A Guide To Supporting Your Birth Parents Through Adoption

Are you struggling with how to support birth families during the adoption journey and really questioning what you are equipped to handle versus what should be turned over to a professional social worker to support? This is something that's critically important that you understand for the overall health of everyone involved in your adoption journey. And today, on Mother's Day, when this is airing, I thought this was an especially important topic for us to talk about as a community. 

So today, on birth mother's day, I thought it was really important that we take a moment as hopeful adoptive families to really think intentionally about how we can support our expectant parents during the adoption journey. So I know this topic can leave us feeling a little overwhelmed, right? One, it's emotional. And because it's messy, too, we may feel like we are not equipped to handle these conversations. And three, you just don't want to screw anything up. I know; I've been there; trust me. 

So I wanted to give you a few tips based upon conversations with expectant families and just my own real-world experience of ways that you can be there that are appropriate from a hopeful adoptive parent's perspective. and a few times where you need to bring in a professional. 

1-Listen actively and empathetically

So the very first way that you can support your child's birth family during the adoption journey is to be an active listener with empathy. So what does this mean? Being an active listener means just that: that you are fully paying attention to what they are sharing and what they are saying. You're not distracted; you're not having conversations while you're driving here or there; you're not having conversations while you’re multitasking and doing other things. Instead, you're actually sitting down and having a conversation, typically not face-to-face to begin with, but maybe via text or over the phone, where you are only paying attention to them. Now, I know that in our very multitask-driven world that we live in today, that may seem really foreign and really strange. But you really want to show respect and demonstrate the empathy that you have for the situation and the difficult decision that they are making. And you do this through active listening. So when you're actively listening, again, the very first step is that you're paying close attention to what they're saying. and not distracted by other things. 

2-Show Empathy

The second is that you're showing empathy; you're not only listening to what they're saying. But you are seeking to understand how they feel. This is really important because, as you must remember, we are typically on the two polar ends of the spectrum. They are finding themselves in a situation where they don't feel equipped to parent. But on the other hand, you actively want to parent and are seeking opportunities to do so. And that chasm or that divide can sometimes create a lack of empathy. So you're going to have to over-rotate,” if you will, to really understand how they're feeling so that you can react to things with that knowledge in mind, and that is going to make a huge difference in those initial stages of forming your relationship with an expectant family.

And you're really going to the third step of active listening when you ask open-ended questions. So you can seek to understand their perspective. You want to get to know them. You want to get to know them and the decisions they're making without passing judgment. And the fourth step of active listening is reflecting on what you've heard. So you're listening to them, you're asking questions, and you're trying to understand their perspective in an empathetic way. And then you're reflecting on what you heard to make sure that you’re not misinterpreting what they're saying. These, of course, are great fundamental resources for forming relationships in general. But especially when you're getting to know someone in such an emotionally charged environment, active listening with empathy will really make a difference. 

3-Respect their decision

The second way that you can support your child's birth family during the adoption process is to respect the decisions that they're making. Now, those decisions are going to be different than what you would want to make right now. We are all different individuals, and the decision could be that they want to parent and disrupt the adoption or disrupt the match. That's a really hard decision to support and respect, but it is important that you do so for your own healing and ultimately for your child's healing. When you respect the decisions, big or small, that your child's birth family is making during the adoption process, you are demonstrating trust. And when you demonstrate trust, that allows someone else to actually demonstrate trust in you. And that becomes a really important building block for your relationship in the future. And respecting their decisions, even if you don't agree with them, ultimately reduces the tension and makes you a safe place for conversation and connection. Now, I'm not saying that you should bottle up your emotions, put things to the side, and just go with the flow on every single thing. Absolutely not. Instead, I'm encouraging you to respect the decisions that they make that are their soulmate and to have open and honest conversations around the implications for the adoption journey or for this child's future based upon those decisions. This is something that you're likely going to need a counselor or social worker that is trained specifically in adoption to help you navigate not only from your perspective, but to help your hopeful adoptive family navigate on their own as well. So what are some ways that you can respect the decisions that they expect their parents to make during the adoption process? The first is that you can give them space. I know we are super excited to talk to them and learn all the things. And we get all of the butterflies and the nervousness and the downright anxiety over whether or not they've responded to our text and how many minutes it's been since they responded. And what did that word mean? And all of the things that show that giving them space to make those decisions is a great way to show that you respect them and respect the decision that they're making

4-Provide emotional support

The next way you can support birth families during the adoption journey is to be emotionally supportive. Now, this may seem like a no-brainer, right? This is all you likely want to do—that providing emotional support in the right ways really can make a big difference in the adoption journey. This is going to make them feel more connected. It's going to foster trust and remove the isolation that they're likely feeling from the friends and family that may not be on board with your adoption plan. And ultimately, if possible, promote the healing that is so desperately needed by the expectant families when they're making this decision to place a child for adoption. So what are some ways that you can emotionally support expectant families during the adoption journey? First, by being present and making yourself available when they want to talk, answering the questions that they ask, and always being non-judgmental, again seeking to understand and providing empathy, you can understand their emotional perspective on where they are in the adoption journey without applying any sort of judgment to the decisions that they're making. Being non-judgmental is the best way to create and foster trust in those early relationship-building days. with your child's birth family. This can often show up as providing emotional support, just listening, providing words of encouragement, and encouraging them to see beyond today and dream about the future that will exist after this child's birth. and you want to connect them with support resources. You want to provide them with connections with social workers who are equipped to help them deal with the emotional and grief issues that they are processing as they go through this adoption journey. 

5-Help them navigate the process

The next way you can support birth families during the adoption process is to help them navigate the adoption process. We know from the perspective of hopeful adoptive parents that it is incredibly difficult to navigate the adoption journey. And we don't know exactly what to do or what steps to take when we're just starting out. I cannot imagine the emotional toll that the decision to place a child takes on someone while they are trying to navigate learning what to do and what comes next. So helping them understand the different steps in the adoption process and giving them professionals that are neutral third party resources for them to turn to like social workers and adoption attorneys are a way that you can help reduce stress with them

making the adoption process easier and giving them comfort in the decision that they're making. And when you are providing those resources on their behalf and then allowing them to directly connect with expectant families, that ultimately helps foster relationships and communication with you. You don't want to be in the middle of the conversations between them and their adoption attorney or their social worker because you don't want them to feel forced or coerced in any way into this adoption plan. Instead, you want this to be a way that you're supporting them and giving them the power to make the decision that is right for them. Empowering birth families is really critical in the process, so that they feel comfortable and confident in the adoption plan that they're making.

6-Respect their privacy and confidentiality

The next way that you can support birth families during the adoption journey is to respect their privacy and confidentiality. There are portions of their story, including the intention to make an adoption plan, that they may not be willing to share with others in their life. And that is something that you have got to respect, understand, and honor as you go throughout this adoption journey and potentially your child's life. This is their personal information. This may be information that they don't want to put on social media, anything from the health of the child to the circumstances under which the child has come into this world. And for a whole host of other reasons, they may want to keep this private, and honoring and respecting that is one of the best things that you can do to show support in the adoption journey. It also means that you shouldn't ask prying questions; you can ask questions, but you always want to take the lead from the expectant parent on the information they want to share. Now there are going to be some details that are needed from a legal perspective and from a medical perspective. But those are all things that your adoption attorney, social worker, or adoption agency should really be leading the charge on. You should be asking those questions so that your child's first family doesn't unintentionally feel judged or coerced into sharing information that they didn't want to share with you or that they don't want this child to know. It is a really delicate balance, especially when you're self-matched. So I would highly suggest that you have a trained professional help guide you through this process. That doesn't necessarily mean that you have to default to working with an adoption agency with full service capacity; you can definitely self-match and still get the services that are needed to support your child's first family, especially in this confidential stage so that you can both have a really well-connected relationship founded on trust. 

7-Celebrate Their Role in the Journey

The last way that you can support your child's first family during and after the adoption journey is by celebrating their role in the journey. Without them, this would not be possible. This is where I always get teary-eyed thinking about the amazing opportunity I have to be a mom thanks to the decision that two wonderful women made. Without them, my life would be different. Without your child's birth family, your life would be different. So honor them today on Birth Parents Day and every day by sharing with them the pictures, the letters, the updates, the love, and the gratitude that you have for their decision to place this child in your home. Well, there you have it, my friend, seven ways that you can support your child's birth family during the adoption journey. 

Remember, anything's possible with the right plan and support, and I'm here with you every step of the way. I'll see you soon.