Adoption In Indiana, Tennessee and Kentucky

Adoption agencies can often come with the perception of a hefty price tag. But that’s not always the case. Some adoption agencies are non-profit adoption agencies to specifically allow you to get the support you need, do pieces and parts of the adoption journey on your own, and then decide what opportunities you’re interested in. I recently came across a unique adoption agency called Adoption Assistance. They are licensed in Kentucky, Indiana, and Tennessee. Their approach is different than any other adoption agencies that I’ve met with. 

If you are not in one of these states, I still want you to pay close attention to the lessons that Julie from Adoption Assistance shares in today’s conversation, because I know it will be invaluable information to help guide you along in the process.

Amanda: Julie, thank you so much for being willing to join us today. We appreciate your time.

Julie: Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here.

Amanda: I would love it if you would start just right off the top here by sharing a little bit more about yourself and kind of your work in the adoption world with our audience so they can get to know you just a little bit better.

Julie: Sure. My journey goes way back. I started Adoption Assistance, which is the name of my agency, 25 years ago. I was working in the education field. I was a guidance counselor and an elementary school principal when we adopted our first child and I had a passion for adoption. I loved kids and loved my work. But at the time, I wanted to be able to spend more time with my children at home. So I resigned from that job and I started my agency Adoption Assistance to help other families adopt. Over the years we've adopted five children. At the time, international adoptions were running so quickly and were pretty dependable. So we went that route. Now, of course, the whole landscape has pretty much changed. But when I started adoptions and we started helping other people adopt it was 90% international. And over the years, 25 years later, here we are. We do probably 90% of domestic adoptions. So my journey is all because of my passion for adoption. And we've learned so much and we love just building families. 

Amanda: That is awesome. I'm super excited to have you on the show today. Amanda on my team found your agency and brought it forward to me because we were looking for nonprofit adoption agencies that have a focus on keeping costs as much as we can and checking in the adoption process. What we felt was unique about your agency was the fact that you work across multiple states. So would you mind sharing a little bit more about your agency and also the states that you all work within?

Julie: Yes. And that has been a huge passion for us is to keep our adoption fees as low as possible. I mean, believe it or not, we have not raised our home study fee in 25 years. Because we're able to do it. We want to keep it as low as we can for families, and so a lot of people will come to us asking why are your fees so much lower than everyone else's. That's just because we are trying to do it as a mission to help families be able to adopt. 

We are licensed in Kentucky, Tennessee, and Indiana, which are all states that are right here next to us. Of course, I started our agency in Kentucky. One of my women who's been with me now for 23 years got transferred to Indiana. I moved to Tennessee probably about 15 years ago. So we work together to get licensed there. Then we opened up in Indiana because we had so many people calling us saying right across the bridge, can’t you help us? And so we have loved being able to work and service all the families kind of in our little region here and successfully helped them navigate the journey and come to us saying we want to adopt and have no idea how to start. So we just really take them through that whole process.

Amanda: I'd love to learn more about the process. Because if there is one kind of question that shows up in my DMs regularly it’s where do I start/what do I do? So I'd love your perspective on how you start to walk your clients through that journey.

Julie: Most people that come to us have been on some type of journey. We have some that just say I've always known in my heart I want to adopt and we're starting right off from square one. But most people say we've been thinking about this a long time and we've been on this infertility route, or we've always wanted to have a child that we adopted and we already have biological children or something like that. So I always say the biggest decision of all is making sure this is the right thing for our family at this time. And sometimes I'll talk to a couple where maybe one person is on board and the other one's not yet and two years later, they'll call me back. We're both ready to go now. So the biggest decision of all is, is this the right thing for us? If it is I say that you have to jump in with a leap of faith. 

When I first started of course there was no internet out there to do all this kind of research. Now there is and it's amazing. But a lot of it is either not updated or not factual. Do the best you can and then go trust somebody that's a professional in the field to kind of give you the current information. So my first thing is to jump in with that leap of faith that, yes, we're going to do it. Then find people to work with you and help you that you trust and that you feel can take you on this journey in a very positive way. 

So I always say the very first thing is to decide you want to do it. Then find a licensed agency in your state. The law is that everybody who adopts has to work with a licensed agency in their state to do their home study and help them with that process. So most people that come to us have to reside in our three states. But then we take them and we give them the basic information about adoption. We see what they’re looking for and get to know them, then can lead them down that next path.

Amanda: That's super great information. I agree. I tell people all the time because they'll show up and they'll say, I've Googled this, and I found like seven different results. And I'm like, yeah, that it's unfortunate because there is different language and different perspectives out there on everything. 

And to your point, every state is different. Some states require you to use an agency. Some states don't require you to use an agency. Or they require you to use them for a home study and finalization. Every state is so unique. That is what makes the adoption process so difficult and just so confusing. Because every state is so nuanced. So I'd love if you would share just a little bit about how your process works overall. After someone comes and says, “Okay, we're ready to adopt. We know we want to go the agency route and we think that you guys are great partners for us, because you've spent the time interviewing each other and really making sure that you're the right fit. What happens from there? Is it different based on what state they reside in, within the three states that you work in?

Julie: Within our three states, every single person that adopts even if you're doing an independent adoption, not even technically through an agency, you still have to have that home study done. So what we do is tell families, if you want to adopt then we can help you with whichever path you choose. Because a lot of our families do adopt out of state, that means we'll do their home study. They may adopt from Florida, California, Ohio, or some different state, but we are still kind of their leading tool here to do their home study and kind of help them with those next steps. 

So the first thing families always do when they say they want to move forward is start that home study. The home study is a gate to bring a child into their home. We always tell families that home stages are two parts It's not only getting information from them, but it’s providing a lot of basic training about attachment and grief bonding. It’s so important that families are well prepared. I would say you can never have too many tools in your toolbox. No matter if it's a newborn, a five-year-old, or a 15-year-old, you need to be prepared for that child. And so in our home study process, we’re gathering basic information, birth certificates, taxes, references, medical forms, background checks, and all of those documents that help support your actual report. The actual home study report is your gate. At the end of all home studies, it will be recommended that you bring a child in your home of a certain gender, age, sex, and race. So home study is the initial part to get the whole process started. 

Once you have a home study and you're approved, you're good to go. We always say you're active at that point, you're good to go. And that way you can then adopt a child, whether it be in one of your home states or whether it is anywhere in the United States. Of course, international home studies are written specifically for an international country. So a home study for China is going to look very different than a home study for Bulgaria. However, a home study process is going to be very, very similar, no matter how you do it, even if you're adopting a friend of a friend's child, which we consider here an independent adoption. Because those can be beneficial and a great way to adopt. But you still have to have that home study to make sure that that child's coming into a safe environment. So the very first part of that is the home study process. 

And then once you have that home study done, we have families put together their profile books. A lot of times we will have family start working on that profile book during the home study process because there is an amount of time to gather your pictures and everything that you want to put into your profile to market yourself. I don't know if you want me to get into profile books, but, you know, a profile book is a book that the birth mother’s expectant parents look at to choose a family. I would say in our case, probably about 95% of our expectant parents are choosing that family and using that profile book. They never read the home study that has confidential information, the profile book shows who you are. And it's really important when you're putting this together, that it accurately reflects your family. 

Amanda: Yeah. So you said 95% of your expectant parents are looking at the profile books, and picking someone from those profile books. Are the other 5% leaving it up to your agency to pick?

Julie: A lot of them will have a little bit of criteria. Maybe they want a family with children in the home, or no children, or a pet. I  always tell families that there is never a right or wrong way to make a profile book in the sense of what's going to make that family pick you. Because sometimes we will have had one you know where they put a Halloween picture in there. And they were like, oh, we love Halloween. I love Halloween. I love it when people dress up. And this family did that. So I'm going to pick them. And we've had other ones, I've always wanted a dog that looks just like this, and they have that kind of dog. So you never know what's going to touch that birth parent’s heart. It could be so minor that you don't even think about it. 

So you must share who you are as people and know that that right child and that right expectant parent is going to select you to be the parent of their child. 

Amanda: Yeah. My audience oftentimes tells me that they get so panicked at the time of creating the profile book, because they're like, “What if if there's one thing about me that I didn't say that would have made them pick me.” And what I try to help them get to the heart of is who are you as a family? What is the essence of your story? Then we've got to tell that in a clear way that makes an emotional connection and impression on them for you to stand out from the others in the stack that are kind of pushed across the table at them. 

Julie: That's exactly right. And that's what we tell families too. You must spend time working on this profile book. Because that cover picture, a lot of times it's going to determine whether they're going to open the book and read through it or not. So you want to do everything you can to connect emotionally with that birth parent.

Amanda: So once someone has worked on their profile book, and they've turned it over to you all, you share the profiles with expectant parents. What happens at the point where they're picking a parent from there forward in your process? 

Julie: Yeah, so our agency is a little bit different than other ones that I have seen out there. And it's only because like I said, we've been doing this for 25 years now, which is quite a long time. And so what we tend to do with our agency is that we are networked in and we’ve worked with a lot of expectant parents in our states. We’ve also networked with agencies and attorneys across the United States. We have a private listserv group, where we post all available situations for our families. Our families can look at all the situations and decide whether they meet the criteria and want to be considered. Our families have liked that instead of just doing their home study and waiting to say, “Am I going to be selected?”, they can have some input. “Oh, this one looks like a great one for us, we want to be considered.” Or “No, that doesn't look like what we're looking for.” Our families then get to decide when they want to have their profile shown. They just have to keep showing it until they get there. Until they get selected.  

Sometimes you get lucky and the second time you've shown, you’re selected. But sometimes you may have to show your profile 4,050 times before you get selected. But in 25 years we’ve never had anyone start that didn't get selected along the way. Now certainly there are going to be instances where there are failed adoptions and just some heartbreaking things that happen along the way. But you take time and you grieve, and you say, “Okay, I'm going to reboot and try this again”. Our families who have stuck with it have all been able to get matched eventually. And then it all makes sense.

Amanda: Yeah, that's great. And I didn't know the listserv aspect of your agency. I'd love to ask a few questions about that. So from a listener's perspective, what type of information are they learning about the opportunity? And then on the flip side, how are they then sharing back their profile? Are they saying please send my profile book to this person? So if you could walk us a little bit more through that, I think that's a unique approach.

Julie: We always list everything we know about the situation and we tend to work with a lot of birth parents ourselves. We’ll gather from expectant parents everything we know about this situation. Why are they placing? What kind of criteria do they want? What fees are involved? And we tell everything we know. Sometimes we know quite a bit. Sometimes we just know a little bit depending on the situation. Especially sometimes attorneys don't have as much of the heartfelt detail that we like. They have the facts about the case. Which is fine, too. So in some cases, our prospective adoptive parents can jump in not knowing much. And other ones want to know lots of details before they feel comfortable. Again, there's no right or wrong. You have to go with your comfort level. But what we do is we put out there everything we know. Then our families can tell us whether they want to be considered. If they do, we will pull their profile books, and we will meet with the birth mother and say, here are the families that are interested in your situation. Sometimes we will also send PDF versions of profile books, depending on where they are. So we have all of our families give us two to three actual books, and then we'll take a PDF version. So we're constantly using both of them just depending on the situation that's out there.

Amanda: That makes sense. I think it’s unique that you all have some birth parents that you're working with directly, and then you also kind of have this extended network. When you talked about the extended network, it did raise a question for me since you are licensed in the three states of Tennessee, Kentucky, and Indiana.Are you able to also accept families outside of that zone as well, if they have a home study from someone who's licensed in that state to provide that home study?

Julie: That's a great question. And no, we do not. We only accept home studies and work with families in the states where we're licensed. And that's important because we want to be able to be there and give the best support to our families. It’s very important too because when we go to visit a family's home and do the home study ourselves, we advocate for our families when we're talking with expectant parents. We don't feel like taking someone else's home study we can know that family as well as we do when we've done the study. We feel like we have a strong connection, which gives that birth parent trust in us. So that's important to us to be able to work with our own families. 

Amanda: Yeah, that's a great clarification. That trust, honestly, is what makes a really big difference in the overall process. I tell people all the time, that they are making the biggest life-changing decision for them and their child. This will impact the trajectory of their entire life. Do everything you can to be honest and to build trust. And even if it's difficult to communicate the difficult things early on, I know you want to have this level of communication. But I'm not comfortable with that. Those things are what we owe our birth parents, as we go through the process. Because this is one of those moments in which trust is paramount.

Julie: Exactly. It's so important in building that with that expectant parent. Because we always tell our adoptive families that when they are giving you their child, there's nothing else anyone can ever give anyone as valuable as their child. So it is very important that they feel like they can trust the family that they're selecting and the people working with them. Our birth mother counselors are so important because they're building that relationship and a lot of times changing these women's and men's lives. Not just by placing the child, but by having someone believe in them, help them, and advocate.

Amanda: Exactly, having someone in their corner for forever is really important. Because that lack of a support system sometimes is what has brought them to this moment in their life.

Okay, so someone submitted their profile to you. You have opportunities that are available for families to submit. Once a family has submitted to it and says they've been picked what happens next in the process?

Julie: That's the exciting thing. So once they've been matched there is always a match call or meeting. We try to meet in person. Or we do a video call. It's two sides. And both sides feel good in their heart that we're ready to move forward. Because it's important for that expectant parent. Now, of course, some expectant parents don't want to meet and that's okay. We always honor that. But most of them do, especially now where it's evolved so much. And people understand open adoption much more than they used to. It's really good for both sides to connect. 

After that, it's all about building that relationship, especially if it's going to be more of an open or semi-open adoption. A lot of times they want to build that relationship during pregnancy. Sometimes our expectant parents and birth parents talk and text back and forth every day. Sometimes it's four times during the pregnancy. Each case is different. But it's building that relationship during the waiting time. Once the time has come if it's a situation where they're pregnant and going to deliver the child of course families will typically always go to the hospital and then take that child home. If you're adopting out of state all cases go through what's called the interstate compact for the placement of children. But the laws of both states need to be met. If one of our families is adopting from Florida, they will go to Florida when the child is born. They will stay there for a few days until it's cleared. Then they can come back home to Kentucky, or Tennessee, or Indiana. It used to be we mailed FedEx the package, and they'd get it and go to the next step. It took a while. Now everything is electronic. Most of our families are home in three or four days. It's pretty fast now.

Amanda: Yeah, much better than it used to be. It’s much better than it was eight years ago. We were in Florida for a little over three weeks waiting to clear ICPC to come home because we just had like the horrible misfortune of the single person in the state of Florida who was responsible for ICPC documentation being on vacation the first week. Then they came back and the person in Arkansas was on vacation the next week. It was early September and everybody was just out finishing up their vacations. So we were there for a while. But since COVID, you're right, everything has gone electronic. It makes it much, much simpler. Honestly, it helps you save a lot of money. 

So we’ve talked a lot about the birth mom or the expectant parents picking. Can you talk a little bit about what you have seen from your experience of birth fathers being involved? I get a lot of questions around the legal side of things, which we won't necessarily dive into, because I recognize you're not an adoption attorney. But from your perspective and working in an agency, how do you typically see birth fathers involved in the process?

Julie: The laws surrounding birth fathers vary. Timeframes for expectant parents and everyone else vary from state to state to state. But when a birth father is involved in the process we love that because they can support each other in this. And also if they're making that plan together we always know that's the healthiest for us for a very smooth adoption plan. We have had several married couples over the years make an adoption plan for their child. I mean, there's been several times when they may have three or four children and say “We are pregnant again. But we're not in a position to parent another child.” In those cases a lot of times the husbands are also involved during that process of actually picking a family and signing the documents and all of that. Now, there are going to be some situations where a birth father is not known. In Kentucky, it's legal to have an unnamed birth father, and so they have a right not to name the birth father. But again, that varies from state to state about how that's handled. But we do always like it when a birth father can be involved. 

I was talking to a man the other day, and he was considering that he was the father of the child and was looking into the adoption option. A lot of times we don't have the option to talk to the men as much about the adoption overall. And he was like, “Well, I want to be a good father. This is what a good father does. You love your child and you want to give them the best you can.” We went into it not knowing what his thoughts were going to be but to hear him say, that's what a good father does, really shows that they, just like the mother, want to make the best choice for the child. Many of the dads do, too. But sometimes they feel left out or feel like they're not as serious as the mother and they certainly could be. 

Amanda: Yeah, you hit on something that I'll try not to pull my soapbox out on. But being an adoptive mom, I will hear this from time to time. “Oh, the poor baby. They were given up.” That language just goes all over me. I'm like, “No, actually, this means that their first parents love them so much that they recognize that they couldn't give them what they wanted to give them in life from opportunities, perspective, or support or time or whatever was a factor for them.” 

So I love that example from that birth father. That's what a good father does. Because I 100% agree. To me, it’s not a woe is my situation. Is there trauma that surrounds the entire adoption process? Absolutely. But we can choose to see it such that it is a blessing from an adoptive parent's perspective and something that was an intentional decision on the first parent's decision.

Julie: Exactly. We're constantly educating about how private adoption is different than foster care. Because there are situations in foster care where they're involuntarily being removed. But in all of our cases, we've never worked with a woman who didn't love that child. And that's why she was making an adoption plan. Because they're intentionally going through all of this. It is much harder than some other options to intentionally find the best family they can for their child and go through the process of meeting them and through birth and having the adoptive parents there and all of that. It is very hard emotionally. Even though you know it’s the right thing to do and in your head, sometimes in your heart, it feels like it's not finding that balance.

Amanda: Yeah. I had a birth parent who once told me that she knew it was the right decision. But that didn't mean that her heart wasn't going through a meat grinder. What a description to let you know the depths of the pain and the trauma that she's also experiencing in that moment. I think it's important for the audience to hear the real parts of the adoption journey. Because adoption is not always roses and sunshine. We've got to be willing to have those difficult conversations. 

Okay, say that we've been picked. We've gone through the process. We've matched. Baby has now come home. What does the post-placement period look like before finalization? 

Julie: Sure. So as far as just the post-placement report for the adoptive family, we always go back into the home and just touch base with the family. How's the child eating? Sleeping? How are you bonding? Do you feel like you're babysitting? Or is this your child now? Because all of that is important. It’s a process. We just kind of document and want to make sure and are there to provide support and resources to make sure that this placement is healthy, and that it's moving forward in the right way. At the end of the post-placement periods, which can vary from anywhere from a month to six months or longer sometimes, we write a court report for the judge so that they can finalize that adoption. There are some exceptions. But most in states, you do the post-placement and then you finalize a couple of months later. So that is the formal post-adoption part. 

But there's also like you said, the post-adoption part with that expectant parent, which is now the birth parent. That birth parent, we always tell families never to promise anything they cannot keep. So there are going to be times when you've promised that birth mother, I'm going to send pictures every month for the first year. Or, we're going to talk five times over FaceTime. It’s so important that you honor that. Of course, some states have legally binding open adoption contracts. Tennessee is one. In Kentucky and Indiana, it's just an ethical agreement between the two parties. And we do write them up a lot. But again, it's an ethical agreement. It’s really important. It's one thing if the expectant birth parent moves and doesn't take the pictures, and we're getting them returned to put them in their file. But it's a different thing that the adoptive parents say we're not doing that anymore. That is very upsetting to us as adoption professionals. Because one, we've promised these birth parents that this is what's going to happen and they trusted us. But also just for your child, it's going to be important. The world is so small. Someday they may reconnect. You never want your child or the birth mother saying I tried and your parents didn't do what they told me they were going to do. Because those parents must be held accountable and do it for their children. 

Amanda: I completely agree. In our situation, we have one birth mother who wants contact and one birth mother who doesn't. But for me, I send in the same information each time for both kids and their corresponding schedules. Then we have contact with one birth mother and we don't with the other. But for me, I hope one day that that changes. I hope that they do have the opportunity to meet and I hope that that birth mother does pick up however many years worth of pictures and letters from me talking about how that child has grown. Because I do think that that's a really important opportunity for them to stay connected or to heal differently.

Julie: And it is interesting. I've got five children now that we adopted. The oldest is 27 and the youngest is 20. So there's a range there. But they have different approaches to their birth parents. Some are very interested. Some are happy with the way things are. Again, there is no right or wrong. And it will probably change throughout their life. But everybody has an individual path. It’s hard to predict what kind of contact they want or don't want.

Amanda: Yeah, I think that is so interesting. My two children have very different perspectives on that as well. But you know, they've got a lot of time to grow there. They're only eight and five. So we'll see. We'll see where life takes us. I'm very curious about what the future holds there. But we'll take it one day at a time and see how things evolve. But beyond that, I am so excited. This has been a great conversation. You've walked us through the entire process. You've talked to us about how the different states really kind of differ from a process perspective, which is interesting to know. And I also think you've shared some key lessons that even if people are outside of your state, they can apply in the adoption process and be informed along the way. Finding the right professional to have those conversations with and that you feel comfortable having these conversations with is really important. 

So before we go, I'd love to give you the opportunity for any words of wisdom or any other things about the process, if you'd like to share with the audience.

Julie: What I always tell families if I'm doing an informational session or something at the very end, is that we have never had anyone that adopted that didn't think that it was the best thing that they did. Now, of course, there are going to be ups and downs. There's heartache along the journey. It's not just a smooth path of roses. But that's all part of that journey and story. 

But once you have that child in your family, things tend to make sense. I don't know why. But when you do whatever you can to help that child where they are at that time, it's going to work out. Anybody who opens their heart to adoption shows what a brave loving person they are. So adoption can be a beautiful thing. It doesn't mean it's always perfect. There are going to be hard parts about it. But it can be such a positive.

Amanda: That is phenomenal. Well, thank you, Julie, for your time. And I'd love for you to tell the audience how to get in touch with you.

Julie: Sure. Our website is adoptionassistance.com. You can always call us as well. We would love to talk to you, even if you live in another state and have questions. Like I said, we've been doing this for a long time. I’d be happy to answer anything. Because our goal is just to help families navigate that process. 

Amanda: That's awesome. We appreciate you coming on and we appreciate everything you do for our adoption community. I’m blown away by just how open you are to doing everything you can to make adoption approachable and affordable. And that is our mission here from a My Adoption Coach perspective. So I'm super thankful for you and all your work for our community.

Julie: Thank you. Thanks for having me.

Amanda: Wasn’t that conversation with Julie just amazing? I am so thankful for her time today. But I want to leave you with one really big parting tip. When you're working with an agency like Julie's, I highly recommend that you create your profile book with a QR code on the inside that links out for someone to watch a video that allows you to be more memorable. I can tell you that when my clients use a video in their profile book when they're working with an agency like Julie's they match much faster than my clients who don't use a video. If you want to learn how to create the video to use in your profile book or how to create your profile book in general, head on over to myadoptioncoach.com/profile.