How To Find An Adoption Match
In this blog post, we're going to discuss how to find your ideal expectant mother using some creative and maybe slightly unusual ways, and then what to do once you match. Finding a match is really one of those very last steps of the adoption process.
Finding Your Ideal Expectant Mother Through Sharing Your Story
This content will be tailored to you no matter if you're adopting through an adoption agency, an adoption attorney, an adoption consultant, or self matching your adoption.
First, let's acknowledge upfront that this isn't just about being at the right time or the right place. It's much more about being the right fit together and ensuring that the expectant mother sees the right content from you to get to know you and feel comfortable. The most important part is that the two of you feel really connected and feel like the right fit.
The content that you share is so important because that's what's going to help her begin to want to have a conversation with you. After spending about three seconds with that profile, she's going to have that initial gut feeling of whether or not you're a good fit and if she wants to know more, or if she's just interested in leaning in a little bit more.
She’ll also know if you're really not the right fit. Having the right content is really important to the start of your overall adoption journey. I know that might sound super overwhelming, only having three seconds can put a ton of pressure on the content you share. You also may be thinking what in the world is content, this lady is speaking a foreign language.
You know, I always have your back and I will break it down for you step by step we get to the content creation stage. For now, let's just focus on the basics. Let's simply think about content as the way she's gonna get exposed to your family story.
Ways an expectant mother could get to know you:
A traditional adoption profile book
PDF version of that book that's emailed to her through an adoption website or even social media
A business card
A brochure that introduces her to your family
For now, I'd ask you not to get hung up on what you're sharing. Instead, let's brainstorm some creative ways where you're sharing your story so that you can prepare the right content.
Traditional Ways to Find Your Ideal Expectant Mother
Adoption Agency, Attorney, or Adoption Consultant
When you find a match through an adoption agency, attorney, or consultant, it’s usually a result of them showing your profile book (or PDF) with the expectant mother.
This traditional sharing is typically going to happen once they have identified you as a good potential fit upfront. They're going to do that legwork upfront to see if you’re a great fit because that's the service that you're paying them for.
Then they're going to share your profile PDF or book. Typically they've had a couple of conversations with the expected family about you and they've typically had a couple of conversations with you about the expected family. You guys have also done some sort of initial agreement to the match or agreement to being presented to be considered for the match.
Then they're going to get the profile book which serves as that opening conversation. Of course, there is a lot of pressure on this use of content as there is on all of them. But this book telling the story, because it is a little bit longer form than a social media post.
Think of the social media post like a movie trailer and the book is the actual movie.
A Facebook Business Page
The next traditional way to match with an expectant mother is a Facebook business page. I categorize this as a traditional way because if you've set yourself up as a business page, then you're also setting yourself up for advertising.
Let's be super clear that adoption laws vary by state, some states will not allow for you to advertise. So having a business page could actually infringe upon the law in your particular state. It is super important that you understand the law, read the law, and have an adoption professional in your state or that is familiar and licensed in your state to advise you on this.
Do not take the advice of this blog post as Bible by any means or as the law in your state because I am not an attorney.
Having a Facebook business page is a great way to share information about your family through posts through what I would call snackable & easily digestible content where you can share on a more regular basis.
It sets you up for the opportunity to advertise your family. If you are partnered with an adoption attorney or agency this is likely something that they're not going to want you to do. I would ask them more particularly. You could spend advertising dollars promoting your family to your ideal expectant mother through ads that you list from your Facebook business page or through Instagram.
Not many adoptive families run ads. So if you have questions on how to run ads, if that's something you're really interested in, I'm happy to walk you through the process. I've worked in marketing for over 20 years and run tons and tons of Facebook and Instagram ads, so happy to help you through that.
Facebook Groups
The next traditional way to find your adoptive mother would be through Facebook groups.
Facebook groups are becoming increasingly more popular as a way to match your adoption. This doesn't matter if you're adopting through any of the types right through an agency, a consultant, an attorney, or self matching adoption, Facebook groups have become important in this step if you're allowed to, to do this based upon the adoption law in your state.
Sharing in those groups has historically been just posting that you're looking to adopt responding to opportunities and things of that nature.
Video will really help you stand out in your Facebook Groups. Video is something that is very underutilized in Facebook groups to help you stand out. So just a little secret tip from me to you friend to help you through this process.
The next way to find an expectant mother is through Instagram. As it relates to social media, I would say Instagram, Tiktok, & Facebook groups are kind of the three most important social media platforms to leverage.
You could think of your Instagram profile as similar to your Facebook business page where you're sharing updates and making posts about your adoption opportunities.
You can also choose whether or not your Instagram account is a business page or a personal account and if it's linked to your Facebook page.
Sharing through Instagram is a really great way to find a potential expectant mother because it gives you so much more reach and you don't necessarily have to be friends in order to end up in her feed.
That is a great way to potentially find an expectant mother but it does take a lot of strategies and you really need someone that understands Instagram really well to help you through that if you don't understand it really well.
An Adoption Specific Website
Another option that has become more traditional these days is an adoption website. What is really great about a website is that you can really share some long-form content as well as some content that definitely involves multiple scrolls (like blog posts), or even videos.
You can curate the website in a way that really helps tell your family story and allow them to get to know you. It’s a great low-risk way for an expectant mother to get to know you.
When expectant mothers or parents are just getting to know you they don't want to get your hopes or theirs up before they decide if they want to further the relationship. Having a website is a great opportunity for that.
Tic Tok
The last of the traditional ways to find an expectant mother is Tik Tok. Listen, I know that may sound really strange Tik Tok as a traditional way to find an expectant mother, but I'm calling it a traditional way simply because one, it's becoming more mainstream.
You may also want to think about where your ideal expectant mothers are hanging out. And that is what I would classify as a traditional way. So if you think she's hanging out on Tik Tok, that's a great place for you to be present and to tell some really fun stories about your family or really good stories in a fun way about your family.
I'm not saying that you have to go do the crazy challenges or dances, or even create some adoption-related on Tick Tock. What I am saying is that it's a great platform to use to get attention for someone and then to make sure that you have your bio set up in such a way that you redirect them to a way that they can get to know more about you, or where you can create a conversation differently.
Non-traditional Ways to Find Your Ideal Expectant Mother
Let me first acknowledge upfront that some will likely call me unethical for sharing these ways. However, I would say that it is perfectly ethical as long as you're operating with full integrity.
So let's just put all of those negative Nancys aside, and let's focus on finding an opportunity that both that is good for both the adoptive parents, as well as the expectant mothers that also operates above board in full compliance with the law and with making your intentions fully known and clear.
Reaching Out to Local Crisis Centers
One non-traditional way might be reaching out to a local crisis center. Some women might turn to a crisis center to find resources that can help them to decide on how they're going to move forward with their pregnancy or not.
Reaching out to a crisis center saying that you're interested in adopting and you're working with an agency or an attorney or self matching (I would still direct them to your attorney).
Hospitals
Reaching out to local hospitals. This is highly unlikely these days because most hospitals do have social workers that are on staff. So I wouldn't necessarily go to the OB, waiting room, or the emergency room.
Instead, I would call the social worker for that hospital and ask them what their policy is when they have someone come into the hospital without an adoption plan, but that would like to make an adoption plan.
That's typically going to mean a stork drop, which means that a baby is already born or in the process of being born when they're in the moment of deciding to place the child for adoption.
Calling your local area hospitals and asking to speak with the social worker, telling them that you're looking to adopt, and asking if they might be able to help you or not would be beneficial. It just never hurts to make that call and have a conversation.
Doctors offices
Another way to find a match is actually talking to all of your primary care doctors or OBGYN.
We told them we were looking to adopt and they brought us opportunities.
Our OBs office was counseling a young woman who was considering placing a child for adoption. She was interested in learning more about us. Our fertility clinic had embryos that came up for adoption and the list just kind of goes on and on.
You never know who is looking for resources and who might be a potential connection for you or at the very least you can introduce the idea of adoption to these individuals, so that maybe when they're counseling someone next time, then maybe they're going to suggest that they reach out to an adoption agency or an adoption attorney.
High Schools
Next are your local high schools, especially the guidance counselors. It does not hurt to call the local high school and tell them what you're trying to do. I would send them to your adoption attorney because you never know what's going to happen and who's going to end up in their office.
They may not recommend you particularly, but maybe they're going to recommend that a student consider adoption as an option.
Churches
I will say this one is something that can be pretty controversial. But letting your church clergy know you’re wanting to adopt is important. There were a couple of potential matches for us that came through those avenues, like a church member’s child was pregnant they were considering adoption and wanted to learn more about it.
Mom’s Groups on Facebook
Another non-traditional way to find an expectant mother is a moms group on Facebook. You would just be shocked and amazed at how many women will just share through their network that you're looking to adopt so I would not be shy from sharing in those groups because you never know what connection is going to ensure to spark something for someone else that's potentially going to lead to an opportunity.
Running Ads to your Website or Social Media Profile
I talked a little bit about this above, but running ads to your website, or to your social media is a great way to find an expectant mother. This is pretty untraditional and most adoptive families don't do this because of a fear of not knowing how to do it.
If it's something that's really on your heart and your mind, first make sure that it is legal in your state, then I'm happy to teach you how to do it. It's super simple. Takes a little bit of strategy, a little bit of time, a little bit of patience, which can be hard, but I'm happy to help you. If you need any help in that area. Just send me an email or drop me a note in the Facebook group.
What Happens When You Find a Match with an Expectant Mother
When You Match Through An Adoption Agency, Adoption Attorney, or Adoption Consultant
If you're adopting a baby through an adoption agency, adoption consultant, or an adoption attorney, they will present you with potential matches because is their job to bring you expectant parents that match the criteria that you're looking for.
General Steps After You Find a Match WIth an Expectant Mother
They present you the match
So when you signed up with your agency, consultant, attorney, etc, they will have had you complete an adoption or adoptive parent questionnaire. Within that questionnaire, you're going to have given them specific preferences for the adoption process, like communication after birth, drug exposures, location of where the baby's born, contact preferences, and all kinds of different things.
They each will have their own specific questionnaire. They will also have the expectant family complete the same form, as well as do other things like provide proof of pregnancy and stuff like that.
They're going to have done some initial legwork of comparing your responses and their responses before they present a match to you.
They're likely going to bring you a match, that doesn't fit your criteria perfectly, because that just doesn't happen all that often. They might be your match that is slightly over budget, that has a difference as it relates to communication preferences, or in their medical history or something along those lines.
You agree to the match
And then you're going to have to agree or not agree, which is the next step in this process to that match. My advice to you, in making that decision is to do your research, don't just jump right into the opportunity because you're so excited that there's the potential of a child.
If you say yes make sure that you feel equipped to parent this child that you are the right fit for this situation because that's what matters at the end of the day more than anything else.
You want to make sure that this baby is cared for and loved, and really gets everything it needs in life. And so and that's really what the expectant parents are looking for as well. So before you agree to the match, I would highly suggest that you do research and don't just jump straight in.
You sign the paperwork
Next, you're going to sign the paperwork. You'll be really shocked that the paperwork won't be quite the mountain you climbed at the home study phase.
The paperwork is going to be full of agreeing to the social medical history, the financial aspects of it to the contact after birth.
There are going to be specific checkpoints that you have to agree to in addition all of the home study requirements that will happen after the finalization stage, but they'll ask you to agree to all of that upfront, and sign the paperwork.
You provide proof of funds or the actual funds
The next for me was the ickiest phase of it all, where you actually have to either provide the funds themselves or proof that you have access to the actual money to complete the adoption.
In our case, our agency wouldn't tell us what city where our child was. They just told us the state. They wouldn't actually tell us what city or what hospital until we wired the money for the adoption.
Each agency or consultant or attorney is going to do this differently. This was the step where it really became apparent to me that this was a business and for better or worse and was part of the process. I know that these professionals have to be paid for their time, but boy did it feels super icky to me. Okay, putting the soapbox away.
Communication will begin
So the next step the communication phase. This will be highly dependent upon where in the process you match. This could be something from communicating for a couple of months before delivery to no communication, to knowing each other for a day or less than if it's a stork drop. This is the part where you would actually begin communicating with the expected family.
Hospital Time
During the hospital time, you’re going to show up to the hospital and execute the agreed-upon birth plan, but be highly flexible. Just because someone wrote out a plan when they were eight months pregnant, (or even seven months pregnant) doesn't mean that that's how they're going to feel when they get into the actual moment of delivery.
Being highly flexible and respectful while you're in this time is going to be really important.
Finalize the adoption
Finalization is going to look slightly different for every person. Within the finalization step, you're going to have a revocation period.
The revocation period is the amount of time the expectant family has to change their mind and decide to parent over placing the child up for adoption.
Then you're going to have the period of time that you have to meet certain home study requirements in order to actually finalize the adoption, change the birth certificate and do all of those things that you might choose to do.
If You Find a Match Through Self Matching
The Steps You Take after Finding a Match Through Self Matching:
You Find A Match
Finding a match means you have taken the time to share your story on social media, websites, or in person. You may have also used some of those traditional and untraditional ways to find an adoption match we've talked about earlier in this blog post, but you find a match. And you're not going to go directly from finding a match.
Build Rapport and a Relationship
You want to build a relationship and build rapport to make sure that you're a good fit for each other. There is no prescribed way or time to do this. This is something that you're going to have to fill through as you go. If you get stuck in this or need some advice on this, come jump into the Facebook group or email me if you don't want to share it publicly.
It is really important that you take this step by step and you don't just jump straight ahead because that can seem disrespectful and pushy. You want to operate with the highest level of integrity.
Ensure You Are a Right Fit for Each Other
After building a relationship and building rapport, you both decide if you’re a good fit for each other.
Introduction of Expectant Mother to Adoption Attorney
If you both determine you’re a good fit, you introduce the expectant mother to your adoption attorney or social worker. This is going to be dependent upon the way you want to pursue your adoption and the state law where you live.
The law will prescribe for you what you need to do and you can talk to your attorney about their experience and the way they suggest to make that introduction.
Approval of Adoption Attorney
She's going to approve the social worker or attorney (or both). You want to make sure she feels comfortable with that adoption attorney (you can use the same attorney) if that's what you choose to do. I will warn you that some people find that highly unethical, that the same attorney can't possibly represent the best interest of both parties. But you can have a separate adoption attorney for you and then an adoption attorney for the expectant parents,
Most of my clients find that their expected parents tell them that they don't want to have a separate attorney because they don't want the increased expense. This is a highly individual choice, you have to choose what's right for your family.
Pregnancy Verification
Next, the attorney or social worker is going to do the pregnancy verification. They’re basically going to ask her to complete some forms to release medical records to them from the doctor's office. The doctor's office is going to include medical records that show that she's pregnant or not.
Expectant Mother Signing the Paperwork
After the pregnancy has been verified, she's going to sign paperwork for the attorney for the actual adoption itself. This is going to be highly dependent upon the state that you live in.
Some states actually have her sign the paperwork before delivery and some states also require her to go to court before delivery.
This is something that your adoption attorney can walk you through.
You Sign Paperwork
You sign your side of the required paperwork. The paperwork steps happen pretty close together to each other because you don't want there to be any limbo factor of who is going to take responsibility for this child.
Pay Attorney and Adoption Opportunity Fees/Expenses
Next, the attorneys typically ask you to settle upon any adoption opportunity fees. They shouldn't ask you to pay all the fees all at once, but they should ask you to pay them as they come due or in advance of the due date.
It's going to be highly dependent upon the state law where you live. Some adoption attorneys will require you to pay a retainer in advance for the medical or for their fees or things of that nature.
Hospital Time
Next, it's going to be all about the hospital time. The hospital revocation and finalization are all pretty similar if you were adopting with an agency or consultant. The one difference is you're going to be the one having the direct conversations with the expected family on how they want to handle hospital time.
You’ll figure out things like...
Do they want to be alone?
Do they want you to present?
Do they want you present in the room down the hall?
You need to have a general game plan of how you can respect her privacy and respect their wishes during this time, but still be there and involved so that they don't feel like you're not interested in the adoption anymore.
This is a really tricky conversation to have, but having it is vital for the success of you're adoption, because you want to make sure all the way throughout the process that you understand and respect her wishes or their wishes.
Finalization
After the baby is born, the revocation period and finalization again. This will be dependent upon your individual state but your Adoption Attorney can walk you through it.
I know the adoption process can seem overwhelming and scary, but it really doesn't have to be that way. That is the entire reason why I started the blog, the free Facebook group, and the podcast.
If you need some more support, please come join the free Facebook group. Listen, I know adoption is hard, but it doesn't have to be that way. When you have step-by-step support and guidance, you can do anything. You can totally do this and I've got your back.
Hi, I Am Amanda
I help women build their families through adoption by giving them the step by step guide to adopt a child and support them on their journey