How To Adopt A Baby With A Private Attorney
In this blog post, we are continuing our deep dive into the different types of adoption. We're going to talk about adopting via a private attorney.
This is one of the seven different types of adoption. If you want a copy of the free guide that walks you through this blog post, just click the button below.
Recap of the 7 Different Types of Adoption:
Foster Care Adoption
Adopting from a Relative
Embryo Adoption
Private Matching with an Attorney
Matching Via Consultant
Matching Via an Agency
What does adopting through a private attorney mean?
Let's get started with a quick reminder of what adopting with a private attorney really means. When you adopt with a private attorney, they are guiding you through the entire process from start to finish.
More specifically, they're working on your behalf to find an expectant mother that would be a good match for your family. They typically have a pool of expectant mothers that have come to them through referrals, advertising, or former clients that they are going to use to match with your family.
According to AdoptiveFamilies.com, the average cost for adopting with a private attorney is about $35,000. The timeline is about 60% of families match within one year. There's really no hard and fast rule. It comes down to each individual situation.
This is an area of opportunity for you as an adoptive family to help define what this looks like after finalization.
10 Steps to Adopting a Baby with a Private Attorney:
1. Attorney interview
The first step is the attorney interview. This may sound a little funny that you're going to interview an attorney. But trust me, you want to actually interview several attorneys before you decide which one's the right one for you.
During this step, I would recommend that you have a conference call or a zoom call, (or if it's really rare and non-COVID times I'd recommend that you do an in-person interview). Your objective of this time is really to get a better understanding of the overall process and requirements.
I would highly recommend that you have a list of questions to ask during the interview so that you get a clear understanding of what it's like working with them. Each attorney is going to vary the process just slightly based upon their own experience and preferences.
Questions to ask (in addition to any you want to add):
What’s the average wait time?
What’s the cost?
What’s your specific process?
How will you communicate with me during the process?
How will you communicate with an expectant mother?
Things you want to make sure of before deciding on an attorney:
Your communication style and your expectations are compatible with the attorney
They fit within your budget
You feel like you have the same vibe or are on the same wavelength
It’s very important you’re a good match with the adoption attorney and your personalities and communication styles vibe, otherwise, it wouldn’t be a good match.
So take the time to really find an attorney that is right for you. Don't just get excited because they talk to you about the process and they talk to you about the end goal, because that's their job is to make you excited. You really want to make sure you're a good fit because they're going to be a really important partner with you in your adoption journey.
2. Survive The Mountain of Paperwork
The paperwork phase is when the attorney gives you a mountain of paperwork that you have to fill out.
This will happen right before the home study. This step is also where it tends to get a little petty and a little heart centered, as well.
If an attorney doesn't have this step for you and their process, you need to ask questions as it relates to how are we going to make sure that you clearly understand what type of adopted situation we're looking for, or that we feel equipped to parent.
They are potentially also going to ask you for things that will be useful in the home study as well, like references, previous tax records, etc.
During this step, I would focus on being super clear on what you're looking for in an adoptive situation, what you feel equipped to parent, and how you want to communicate after birth.
Those are the questions that the Adoption Attorney should be asking you throughout this step.
3. Get Your Home Study
Next on the adoption journey is to get your home study.
Your adoption attorney should give you a list of home study providers. I know that the word home study probably made your heart skip a beat, but it's not nearly as confusing or hard as it sounds.
During this step, you're going to be paired with a social worker in your state that will physically come to your home to inspect that it's safe enough for a baby. While it may seem pretty absurd, it has to be done.
It is an important step that you have to go through and you can't pass go without it. You have to deal with it and move on.
Common questions I get about the Home Study:
Do you have to have a nursery set up?
Do you have to have a fully child-proofed house?
This does vary typically by state. Most cases don't require you to have a nursery fully set up rather than just showing them the future baby’s room. They don't typically require you to be fully set up from that perspective.
Another way to think about home studies... would your house be prepared if you have a perfect stranger come over to your house to make sure it’s safe?.
What do you need to do to prepare your house for that?
Complete those tasks and then follow the checklist that the adoption attorney will give you.
4. Build Your Adoption Profile
This step is really critical to your overall adoption success. During this step, you're going to be asked to create a profile of your family that can be shown to potential birth families to help them get to know you better.
This is really critical because it helps the birth families narrow down their options and ultimately choose a family to speak to. You can think of your profile as the initial hello. They don't know you at all and they're choosing whether or not they're going to have a conversation with you.
So it is really important that they clearly understand who you are as a family, what's important to you, and really feel compelled to have a conversation with you as a result of reading your profile. They will have a short list of families they’re considering for adoption.
I know this is gonna sound super scary because it is so important. Don't worry, I always, always have your back. I have some step-by-step resources available to help you with this crucial step in your adoption journey.
I have a class where I deep dive into teaching this step to adoptive families. To sign up to receive more information when I open the class again, click the button below. By doing this, you’ll be on the waitlist and be the first to know when the doors open again.
The steps I teach in this class are the exact steps I took to get matched within 3 months with my daughter and within 6 months with my son. This will help you stand out in the sea of families waiting to adopt.
5. Matching with an Expectant Mother
Once your profile is ready to be shared with birth families, you're considered to be a live family, which means that you can take placement of a child at any time.
Typically the attorney will call you and go over each opportunity and you will get to review the medical situation and communication preferences of the birth family as well as the financial requirements that are needed to be met for each opportunity.
Once you agree to these requirements or this opportunity, you'll be put into contact with the birth family. It's important to note that this is going to vary by situation. Some families may want to talk to you live over the phone (or on zoom), some may want to meet in person, and some may only want to communicate through the adoption attorney.
This is why it’s really important that you are clear on what you're comfortable with for communication before birth. I get a lot of questions about matching and whether or not that means that you have to pay all the fees immediately.
This is not typical. Usually, you're going to have to pay the attorney retainer, which you've usually already paid by this point. You may also have to pay a few living expenses, but it wouldn’t be typical for you to pay the entire amount of the adoption requirement at the matching phase.
If that is something that an adoption attorney is asking for, I would ask a lot of questions about what if the adoption does not go forward, then what are your financial risks, etc. Be super clear that you understand that before you agree to the adoption match.
6. Pre-Birth Communication
This step happening is dependent upon the individual timeline that that adoption opportunity is and so sometimes you're going to get matched with a baby that is already born. Obviously, this would not be an applicable step for you if that's the case, or you might be matched with an expectant mother that is due in a couple of months.
I know you'd like to be prepared for any possible situation, so, let's talk through how you would communicate with a birth family if you have to communicate with them for a while before the baby is born.
My biggest piece of advice here is to communicate with love, candor, and understanding. You really don't know how much time you're going to get to communicate with them, right? Just because the baby's born in a couple of months, it's not doesn't mean you're going to talk every day.
It's not uncommon for an expectant mother to kind of ghost you for a little while as she's dealing with the emotions that she's going through. I would really see this time as an opportunity for you to get to know her and potentially expectant father (if he's in the mix) to be able to share details with your child as they grow.
During this time, I would take detailed notes of your conversation, as these details can be little tidbits that you can fill in for the child as they grow up. You don't want to seem like you're interviewing them. But it is important to be able to ask the questions that you would be curious about to be able to share with your child.
I would suggest that you try to paint a picture of what their life is like.
What do they love?
What things do they like to do?
What was it like growing up in their life?
What are some unique things about their personality (maybe even traits that they did)?
You want to be super careful not to dig too much and not to pry. This might be the only communication you have so asking questions that will help you fill in details for the child as they grow up is really important. And it's totally fine to be open and honest with them.
As a matter of fact, I recommend that as the only type of communication, but to be totally open and honest with them as it relates to what you're trying to do. Hey, I'm just trying to get to understand and know you better so that when this child grows up and has questions, I can be better equipped to answer them.
I think that's totally fine. And it shows a level of love and respect and honor that you really want to create in this pre-birth communication phase. It's also important to acknowledge that you are both nervous at this time and emotions are running super high.
Approaching the conversations with grace, love, and without judgment is really going to make that conversation so much easier. It is still a tricky time though because they can still change their mind up to the point of revocation, but it’s critical that you are authentically yourself while guarding your heart.
Maybe the messy backstory that might have led you to the moment that you're standing in. Your job here is not only to get to know them better but to be their advocate and their support system during this difficult adoption journey.
When we talk about the support system, I want to be specific to say that you’re supporting them emotionally and not necessarily financially.
7. Hospital Phase
The seventh step is the hospital phase. Depending upon when you get matched, this may be an opportunity that you have or you don't have. Honestly, depending upon where you are in COVID times, non-COVID times, and the individual hospital, you may get the opportunity to be there for the birth, or you may even get the opportunity to be there in the room (but that is very rare).
I want you to set your expectation clearly upfront that that may not happen, this will be something that you'll get a little bit more insight into as the attorney presents an opportunity to you. It's important to remember that during the hospital time, everyone’s emotions are running very high and the hospital will always kind of err on the side of the birth family.
Because legally that is who is in charge until finalization occurs before you get to the hospital.
It is really important that you work with the adoption attorney to clearly understand what is going to happen at each stage of the hospital time.
So once you've gotten clear on the process with the attorney, the next step is determining which hospital she's going to give birth at. That's obviously something that will be her choice, and you just want to know what it is going to be.
If you've had the opportunity to know that in advance, I would call the hospital social worker. And this is what we did. The hospital social worker needs to know you know that there's a birth plan and that there's an adoption plan in this.
The hospital social worker will notify the nurses about this because it's really important they know what's going on whenever there's an adoption occurring. And the hospital social worker will be a great contact or liaison between you and the billing office as well as the nurses during your preparation for hospital time.
The hospital social worker will also let you know if they can give you a room for you to stay in during the time that the baby's in the hospital and what kind of the rules and regulations are for their individual hospital.
There is no standardized process here.
What I have found in the past is if you just call and tell them that your birth mother is going to be delivering there and then share over all of the legal paperwork with the social worker, then they help make things go a whole lot easier when it comes to actual delivery time.
So the hospital social worker is definitely a good person for you to know. So that when you get to the actual hospital time itself, and you've been notified that she's going into labor (or that she's headed to the hospital to deliver) then this would be the time for you to have already had those conversations with a social worker if at all possible.
It's going to be pretty well known that you're coming, that you're adopting, and that you'll have a plan and either a room you’ll wait in the lobby as well as other things.
When you’re preparing for this phase with the expectant mother, it is really important that you both have a plan as to what you want to have happen. Preparing ahead of time is key because those emotions are running on high closer to the delivery date.
It is really important because you want to make sure that you adhere to any agreements that were in place before this phase so that the placement continues to run really smoothly.
You want to have an open communication with your attorney about what's going on as it relates to what's happening in the hospital especially when you have any questions. It's really important to remember that even though this is a super joyous time for you, it's not necessarily the same feeling for the expected family.
Communicating with honesty, respect, and love is really key, but also just flowing with the situation and not feeling like you have to adhere to the predetermined script of how things are going to go if she needs to change her mind at that moment.
She may need more space or she may need less space. It's really important that you adhere to the plan that you've set forth before the hospital phase but also take cues from the way she wants to handle the different parts of the hospital phase.
8. ICPC
Next is the Interstate Compact of the Placement of Children (ICPC).
If you’re not adopting in a different state from where you live, this does not apply to you.
ICPC means that the state that you are that the child was born in, will communicate back to your home state so that they agree to follow up with the appropriate paperwork, placement visits, things of that nature in order to finalize the adoption.
Each state has a different set of rules to be followed during this time. It is really important that you follow those rules because you cannot leave that state until each state has agreed, otherwise you risk voiding the adoption.
You really want to take this seriously, because your home state has to take responsibility for you for finalizing the adoption before the birth state will give you the approval to go home. Luckily, the attorney should handle all the paperwork of this.
Quite honestly, at this point, you're caring for an infant and you're probably also waiting out the revocation period. So your emotions are even higher than they were in the hospital phase. It's really important that you plan ahead and understand the process of this.
Make sure you're following it to the tee so that you're completely in the clear. To survive the ICPC phase, you need to think about how you're going to be caring for a newborn in a strange environment.
You're not necessarily coming home, so you need to plan ahead and decide if you’re going to a hotel or an Airbnb, etc. You also need to plan ahead and think about what you need to care for an infant so outside of the physical locale.
Do you need a sink to wash bottles in?
How are you going to wash the bottles?
Are you going to pack bottles or are you going to buy everything once you get there?
Where are they going to sleep?
How are you going to change your diapers?
When we showed up for our very first time to wait out the ICPC phase after birth we packed like a first-time parent, which means we took a ton of stuff.
I have a checklist of things that you need in order to make it through ICPC. And if this is something you need right away, just you know, give me a shout just Amanda@MyAdoptionCoach.com and I'll happily share that with you.
I laugh thinking about how much stuff we took with us on that very first trip to meet our daughter. Then we had to wait out that revocation period with her. ICPC is not something that everyone will have to go through, but if it applies to your situation, you definitely want to plan ahead for it, especially if you get a stork drop.
A stork drop means the child is already born and you need to pack up and head out. Honestly, this is another one of those secret hidden tips that helped me in my waiting phase quite a bit was planning for different scenarios.
Planning made me feel more in control. There's so much we can control in this process. So just a little hidden tip from me to you.
9. Finalize Your Adoption
The ninth step is finalizing your adoption. This will happen after you've cleared ICPC and you've gotten to go home, It will be right before the actual court paperwork phase.
Finalization is the phase where there are typically about one to two more visits from your social worker to ensure that everyone's adjusting to their new environment. This is something that would be mandated by the state that you are finalizing in, and each individual situation will be different.
Your adoption attorney can help you by telling you which state is more adoption-friendly birth state or home state and which state you would want to finalize in. The state that you're finalizing in will be the determining factor in what you're required to do, but in most cases require one to two more home study visits.
In those homestay visits, they're going to be conducting interviews of your family wanting to see you interact with the baby and care for the baby, as well as doing more home inspection checks.
Most social workers don't require you to have the nursery fully set up, but what they're going to be looking for is there a safe place for the child to sleep. Most social workers are not advocates of co-sleeping. So if that is something you've chosen to do you don’t want to talk about it.
You want to talk about things like they have their own crib, they have a place to play, etc. At this stage, you know your social worker pretty well, because they've come in and done a couple of other home study visits.
So, you should have a pretty good feel about what they're looking for. If you get nervous about this, jump into the Facebook group, and I will answer questions for you.
It is one of the things where you have moments where you’re thinking, “I'm almost there”, “I'm almost done”, or “I don't want to blow it”.
I totally get the heart skip that happens when you get to this stage. Most of the time they're just looking to see that you have a place for the baby to sleep safely, if you're feeling like you've had any hiccups, right, as it relates to the transition home, and seeing if everybody is doing good.
Once they submit their final reports to the attorney, then the attorney is going to be able to submit the actual legal finalization, which will lead to your final step.
10. Go to Court
Court day is the day that everything becomes legal. Depending upon where you're finalizing, either your home state or the birth state, it'll likely be done over the phone or zoom in COVID times in non-COVID times it would be done, typically in person.
If you are finalizing in the birth state, you can request that it doesn't happen in person if you don't want to travel. Just be aware of that and know your rights. Talk to the adoption attorney. There's no reason why you have to spend extra money to finalize.
With our daughter (whom we picked up in Florida), we finalized from and we just did it over the phone. And so it felt like it was a big, momentous occasion, which it really is.
I will say doing it over the phone wasn't as fun and as momentous. So, I would encourage you to make a fun occasion out of it. You always see photographers and cute signs and dressing your Sunday best or dressed in matching t-shirts, a photo with the judge, etc.
If you're finalizing over the phone, just take a minute to pre-plan some fun activity. This really is the moment you've been dreaming of. This is the moment you've been waiting for. So yes, the hospital is amazing. They hand you the child and you begin parenting. You get the rush of emotions and everything happens so quickly.
But this is the last step and you must celebrate it because it's been hard work for you. And it's so incredibly joyous, right? It's really important that you take a moment to celebrate it.
This is a moment you'll reflect back on quite a lot as your children grow. I know that we, in our family, celebrate two days a year, their birthday and their forever day (I'm not necessarily a fan of the term like gotcha day).
We're still feeling our way through that forever day is what we've really been calling it as of late with our five-year-old. Having that story to share with her and photos and videos of what it was like when she was born and when she came home.
The finalization day is a way that we can, as a family, normalize our story because it is our normal.
It's a way for her to understand adoption from a very early age. Taking that moment to celebrate on the actual court day is something that you'll really appreciate over the course of the years to come.
I know this was a lot of content and could have been pretty overwhelming. I can admit that it was a lot to put together, but I always want to give you the exact step-by-step process that you need to accomplish your adoption journey.
Don't forget I have that amazing free resource for you, a guide to adopting with a private attorney. You can grab your copy by clicking on the button below. It'll give you the 10 steps in detail so that you can follow along as you start your own adoption journey.
I know adoption can be scary and overwhelming but it really doesn't have to be that way. Jump into the My Adoption Coach Facebook Group so that we can support you in your journey and remember, anything is possible with a plan and support. You can do this and I've totally got your back.
Hi, I Am Amanda
I help women build their families through adoption by giving them the step by step guide to adopt a child and support them on their journey