How To Support Someone Struggling With Infertility
How to Support Someone Struggling with Infertility
Having a friend, sister, daughter that is struggling with infertility iis growing increasingly more common these days, in fact 12-13 couples out of every 100 have trouble becoming pregnant in the United States according to the Health and Human Services of the United States. While infertility is defined as “not being able to become pregnant after having regular intercourse (sex) without birth control after one year (or after six months if a woman is 35 years or older). (https://www.hhs.gov/opa/reproductive-health/fact-sheets/female-infertility/index.html) for me it looked a little different. So different in fact that it didn’t even fit one of the pre-defined versions of infertility that all the doctors or experts I saw commonly use:
Primary Infertility
Secondary Infertility
Female Infertility
Male Infertility
Unexplained Infertility
The experts will talk about the different types of infertility as primary infertility, secondary infertility, male infertility, female infertility or whatever the latest clinical term is, for me it was my life for 5 years. And when I say my life, it was everything I thought about from the moment I woke up until the moment I went to bed and it even crept into my dreams most nights as well. When you are a type A overachiever, control freak, Enneagram 3 you plan out everything and have a backup plan for the plan and my fertility journey was no different.
But the one thing you don’t plan for in your infertility journey is how to share your infertility journey with others around you and reacting to their reactions to your news. That is until you share news good or bad and then have to face the untelling of that news. For me it happened by telling my parents, in-laws, friends and co-workers at 6 weeks of pregnancy that I was finally pregnant after three years of infertility. Then one week after I told them I woke up on week 7 to the pain of an ectopic pregnancy. The untelling of my pregnancy nearly broke me as much as the experience of losing the baby itself.
The same lesson played out in our adoption journey time and time again. From deciding that we were going to adopt to failed matches and even ultimately to a disrupted adoption after 7 days of parenting. Each step we grew more careful on who we let into our circle of knowledge but even though the circle grew tighter the untelling was just as painful.
As the one receiving the news I would be willing to bet you are struggling with how to respond just as much as they are struggling with telling you. The reactions we received each time we shared the disappointing news was a bit all over the board and while I automatically assumed their intentions were coming from a place of love and support, the words and actions began to feel like they didn't understand what I was going through. And the truth of the matter is that they actually didn’t understand and likely can’t understand even if they have been through something similar. Because I was the one going through this journey and there are no two experiences that are exactly the same.
So where does that leave you? Likely struggling with how to help your friend, sister, daughter, that is struggling with infertility. For the one struggling with infertility I suggest that they go through a vision casting exercise so they can work through the emotions before sharing their latest news. The same thing could be helpful for you so you have a response prepared, as much as you can, that you feel will be true to your feelings on the matter yet not inflict harem on them. Write out how you see the conversations going, in vivid detail, for when they share good and bad news. Write out your responses to the potential news that will be shared look at the positive and negative side of the conversation and prepare for how you will respond and how you will feel and ultimately how you think they will feel when they share the news. This won’t be perfect but could potentially save a lot of heartache for both of you.
I wish I had the courage to ask for support while I had been going through infertility instead of just planning tons of distractions and plans. I think I found the most comfort in the planning back up plans for each step of the way. Everything from planning trips to hide my disappointment from another failed treatment or adoption match to finding new doctors, treatments to try or even adoption routes to consider. You name it and I researched it and put a plan on how to achieve it. All the while what I really should have been doing was talking about it with people who would support me.
Most importantly, think about how you would like to be supported if you were the one struggling with infertility so you can support your friend, sister, daughter that way. Create a list of ideas of things that you and their entire support network can do and say to help them feel loved, supported and maybe even distracted from time to time to help in their infertility journey. Here are a few suggestions from other women who have survived infertility themselves.
15 Ways To Support Someone Through An Infertility Journey
Listen more than you speak, you don’t have to fix this for them
Ask them how they would like to approach talking about it so that you can best support them through this journey. Check in and see if that changes over time
Give them more hugs
Plan random distractions that do not involve family, motherhood or children
Ask how you can help throughout them on this journey, this will change over time so keep asking
Don’t invalidate their feelings by saying some women just can’t get pregnant
Support them on the hard holidays and anniversaries, every year
Don’t tell them to relax, lose weight, have more faith, not to worry, or tell them it will happen when the time is right
Only share your story if you think it would be helpful, not just to make conversation because you feel awkward or sad for them
Please don’t ask them if they are pregnant
Don’t tell them about your accidental pregnancy, a teen that you know is pregnant, or any other type of accidental or unplanned pregnancy
Allow them to decide if they want/feel comfortable to attend baby showers for other pregnant friends
Don’t ask them how expensive their fertility treatment or adoption was or tell them they wasted money if it didn’t work out
Check in with them randomly about non fertility related things to keep an open line of communication so they feel comfortable coming to you on the hard days
Most importantly, Help them find other women who are going through the same journey to connect with, without feeling like our relationship is threatened
Let’s not sugar coat this, it isn’t going to be easy no matter what, but with the right support it can be a tiny bit easier. It is important that you know what works best for you in that moment, be willing to communicate it to those around them and find a community where you feel comfortable. And most important, make a plan to be their outlet or help them find an outlet, a friend, a coach, a facebook group or just whatever makes you both feel comfortable and supported is most important.
As an adoptive mom that has lived this journey I feel it my duty to share that they should bring up the idea of adoption first, that was one of the most hurtful ideas that anyone suggested to me until I was ready for that as an option. If you think they are interested in adoption or thinking about it I highly recommend doing some research and talking to someone that has been there. Someone that understands how hard it is to make the decision to get off the infertility train and consider another path, even if that path isn’t a guarantee. I offer free consultations if you would like to learn more about adoption options to help your friend or if they would like to learn more.
Adoption can seem overwhelming because its lack of guarantee and the sheer magnitude of the decision to not have your own biological family. Not to mention all of the options to adopt a child, agencies and steps to take to become a mother. And at the end of the day only they can decide what is best for their family. But I can tell you that at the end of the journey it was all worth it. The first time I held my children was the most joyous experience I have ever had and I pray that day comes for your friend too.
Hang in there friend, you are stronger than you think and so are they.
Hi, I Am Amanda
I help women build their families through adoption by giving them the step by step guide to adopt a child and support them on their journey