How To Survive Infertility
How to Survive Infertility
Tips from Hundreds of Infertility Survivors
Struggling with infertility can leaving you feeling alone and like no one understands what you are going through. Below are 15 ways to ask for support on your journey that were gathered from hundreds of women who survived primary infertility, secondary infertility, unexplained infertility, miscarriage, infant loss, and adoption disruptions. Please don't struggle with infertility alone, you deserve support.
Infertility is growing increasingly more common these days, in fact 12-13 couples out of every 100 have trouble becoming pregnant in the United States according to the Health and Human Services of the United States. While infertility is defined as “not being able to become pregnant after having regular intercourse (sex) without birth control after one year (or after six months if a woman is 35 years or older). (https://www.hhs.gov/opa/reproductive-health/fact-sheets/female-infertility/index.html) for me it looked a little different. So different in fact that it didn’t even fit one of the pre-defined versions of infertility that all the doctors or experts I saw commonly use:
Primary Infertility
Secondary Infertility
Female Infertility
Male Infertility
Unexplained Infertility
The experts will talk about the different types of infertility as primary infertility, secondary infertility, male infertility, female infertility or whatever the latest clinical term is, for me it was my life for 5 years. And when I say my life, it was everything I thought about from the moment I woke up until the moment I went to bed and it even crept into my dreams most nights as well. When you are a type A overachiever, control freak, Enneagram 3 you plan out everything and have a backup plan for the plan and my fertility journey was no different.
But the one thing you don’t plan for in your infertility journey is how to share your infertility journey with others around you and reacting to their reactions to your news. That is until you share news good or bad and then have to face the untelling of that news. For me it happened by telling my parents, in-laws, friends and co-workers at 6 weeks of pregnancy that I was finally pregnant after three years of infertility. Then one week after I told them I woke up on week 7 to the pain of an ectopic pregnancy. The untelling of my pregnancy nearly broke me as much as the experience of losing the baby itself.
The same lesson played out in our adoption journey time and time again. From deciding that we were going to adopt to failed matches and even ultimately to a disrupted adoption after 7 days of parenting. Each step we grew more careful on who we let into our circle of knowledge but even though the circle grew tighter the untelling was just as painful.
The reactions we received each time we shared the disappointing news was a bit all over the board and while I automatically assumed their intentions were coming from a place of love and support, the words and actions began to feel like they didn't understand what I was going through. And the truth of the matter is that they actually didn’t understand and likely can’t understand even if they have been through something similar. Because I was the one going through this journey and there are no two experiences that are exactly the same.
So where does that leave you? Likely struggling with either the do I tell or not tell dilemma and while I certainly cannot answer that question for you I would like to encourage you to do some soul searching and role playing before you make a decision. Work a simple vision casting exercise before you share anything. Write out how you see the conversations going, in vivid detail, for both when you share good and bad news. Write out questions you think they will ask, comments they will make, look at the positive and negative side of the conversation and prepare for how you will respond and how you will feel. Then make a decision of what you feel is best for your life as it relates to sharing your journey.
I wish I had the courage to ask for support while I had been going through infertility instead of just planning tons of distractions and plans. I think I found the most comfort in the planning back up plans for each step of the way. Everything from planning trips to hide my disappointment from another failed treatment or adoption match to finding new doctors, treatments to try or even adoption routes to consider. You name it and I researched it and put a plan on how to achieve it. All the while what I really should have been doing was talking about it with people who would support me.
Most importantly, think about how you would like to be supported on your infertility journey so that you can ask for that support. Create a list of ideas of things that your support network can do and say to help you feel loved, supported and maybe even distracted from time to time to help you in your infertility journey. Here are a few suggestions from other women who have survived infertility themselves.
15 Ways To Support Me During My Infertility Journey
Listen more than you speak, you don’t have to fix this for me
Ask me how I would like to approach talking about it so that you can best support me through this journey. Check in and see if that changes over time
Give me more hugs
Plan random distractions that do not involve family, motherhood or children
Ask how you can help throughout my journey, this will change over time so keep helping
Don’t invalidate my feelings by saying some women just can’t get pregnant
Support me on the hard holidays and anniversaries
Don’t tell me to relax, lose weight, have more faith, not to worry, or tell me it will happen when the time is right
Only share your story if you think it would be helpful, not just to make conversation because you feel awkward or sad for me
Please don’t ask me if I am pregnant
Don’t tell me about your accidental pregnancy, a teen that you know is pregnant, or any other type of accidental or unplanned pregnancy
Allow me to decide if I want/feel comfortable to attend baby showers for other pregnant friends
Don’t ask me how expensive my fertility treatment or adoption was or tell me I wasted money if it didn’t work out
Check in with me randomly about non fertility related things to keep an open line of communication so I feel comfortable coming to you on the hard days
Most importantly, Help me find other women who are going through the same journey to connect with, without feeling like our relationship is threatened
Let’s not sugar coat this, it isn’t going to be easy no matter what you choose, but with the right support it can be a tiny bit easier. It is important that you know what works best for you in that moment, be willing to communicate it to those around you and find a community where you feel comfortable. And most important, make a plan to find an outlet, a friend, a coach, a facebook group, share this article with them with a simple message of please read this, or just whatever makes you feel comfortable and supported is most important.
If you are interested in adoption or thinking about it I highly recommend doing some research and talking to someone that has been there. Someone that understands how hard it is to make the decision to get off the infertility train and consider another path, even if that path isn’t a guarantee. I offer free consultations if you would like to learn more about adoption options.
Adoption can seem overwhelming because its lack of guarantee and the sheer magnitude of the decision to not have your own biological family. Not to mention all of the options to adopt a child, agencies and steps to take to become a mother. And at the end of the day only you can decide what is best for your family. But I can tell you that at the end of the journey it was all worth it. The first time I held my children was the most joyous experience I have ever had and I pray that day comes for you too friend.
Hang in there friend, you are stronger than you think.
Hi, I Am Amanda
I help women build their families through adoption by giving them the step by step guide to adopt a child and support them on their journey