Parenting A Special Needs Adopted Child

Have you ever wondered what adopting from foster care is like in the state of Texas and whether or not you feel equipped to foster and ultimately adopt? Today we are talking with Laura, a Mom who has biological and adopted children, some of which she adopted through foster care. She will also share what it is like to adopt and parent special needs children through the Mama System which she created to help her household work as a team effectively. 

About Laura

Laura is the CEO and founder of Mama Systems, a coaching business that helps moms create peace in their homes through systems. So many of us are simply reacting to life and surviving motherhood that we are missing out on the people we love and the things we want to be doing. Laura's story of fostering, adopting, and special needs has shaped not only her life but has brought about this amazing company that has coached hundreds of moms to peace in their homes. 

Will you share your background with the readers so that they can get to know you a bit more?

I have 10 kiddos, and kind of through our process of adoption and fostering and all of that it kind of got crazy there for a little bit. Needing to get out of survival mode and knowing that we couldn't remain in chaos forever, I searched everywhere for systems to put in place and nobody really fit our family, we were either too big or we homeschooled when others went to public school or we had too many therapy appointments or whatever our oddness was we didn't fit whatever they had. So, I finally was like, I gotta figure something out for ourselves, so I created a process that I walked myself through of just figuring out what's important to us, and what's not important to us and how to prioritize those things. Now, I get to do that with other moms and help them prioritize the things that matter to them. I run a business called Mama Systems, where we walk them through a process that helps them put systems in their home so they can have more peaceful lives.

Adoption Story & Foster Care Process

Can you tell us a little bit more about your adoption story and the foster care process in the state of TX?

After a third biological child, my husband said you know what, if we're going to adopt, we need to go ahead and pull this trigger, because I don't know if we have another one, if I'm gonna be able to adopt any, which is kind of humorous now that we have 10, he was worried about having four, like a cakewalk at the moment. So, we went to an adoption class at our church and we learned about all the different kinds of adoption and what we wanted to do. I wanted to adopt from Africa, and he wanted to adopt from China. When the foster care panel got up, we both looked at each other and go, this is what we're supposed to do. Not many people want to adopt from the foster care system, you know, how broken your heart is gonna get along the way, so we weren't really that enthusiastic about it. But we knew that's what we're supposed to be doing, so we pursued it. 

We had Andrew in our home a couple of months later, and he is precious, and wonderful, and amazing. He was with us from birth. He came straight from the hospital to our house, and then went back to his mom at eight months. She had done all the things that she was supposed to do, and you know, checked all the boxes. We subsequently had two more kids, and she subsequently had two more kids and we well, we had moved to Seattle, and she moved to Louisiana. So it was like, we're never going to have him in our home again. Right? So even if they're taken away again, he's not coming back to us because we're not both in Texas. 

I don't know if you're a person of faith or not, but the Lord’s work is so crazy because he brought them back to Texas and they were put in a foster home. They were taken away again and put in a foster home here in Texas. We had kept in touch with them a lot and I called the CPS worker to check in a ton and just say, how are they and what's going on? She’s like, I've never had a family call and check on foster kids before, what's your deal? What's wrong with you? And I was like, oh, I love these kids and care about them. She kind of realized that I was a genuine concern citizen, so she started sharing with me more about their struggles at the current moment. They wanted to put them in a group home, and we're like, oh, gosh, we can't do that. You can't have them in a group home we will adopt them, what do we need to do? So, we actually started the whole foster care process up in Seattle, got trained up there, and then we got to the home study part, they were like it's going to be too many young children under one roof, and we don't want to go on that responsibility. So, we decided to do a private adoption up there. We did that whole process, and mom had said she would love for us to take them. So, we did, we just kept trying there. We tried several different ways. We had attorneys and just so many people out there fighting for us, but the ICPC says it's alright if I say yes. And I'm like, it's gonna kill them and say, yes, the ICPC rules of like Interstate Compact of like, transferring children from state to state, they basically just said, you have to get through us, and we're not gonna give you a yes. So, it came down to you either have to move back, or you have to give up on these kids. So, we moved back to Dallas and redid foster training again. It's just like our fifth go-round of foster care training, and they ended up coming in a few months later. They were actually placed with us on Andrew's fourth birthday. They were with us for about a year and then we adopted and they've been a part of our family ever since. 

About Laura’s Family

A little bit more about our three, they all have fetal alcohol spectrum disorder, and that kind of has a whole host of comorbidities with it. So, mental issues, emotional issues, physical issues, and intellectual issues. Their very high needs are kind of the bottom line here. So, they're just really hard. And I don't know how much of my experience with having adopted kiddos and bio kiddos, how much of that is. I don't want to say tainted, but it's different because of that experience. I'm not sure I can't really decipher between the two, right in that way, but I do know that I could have the very same experience with one of my biological children and one with my adopted kiddos, and not necessarily like what comes out of my mouth or how I physically respond, but just like my thoughts and my like frustration level and everything is so different. Just that attachment piece of them being my child, like having come out of my body is really big. That's kind of a scary thing to say. After all, I don't think anybody wants to say it, because nobody's ever said that to me. Like nobody told us that on our journey. I want to be honest with people about it and I would not change a thing about it. But I wish somebody would have been like, oh, it's gonna be different. Like, there are different feelings. And there are different thoughts behind everything. So, I wish somebody was honest with me. At the same time, I don't feel like that should deter anybody. It's okay that you don't feel the same way. It's okay that you don't like that you respond a little differently and that has been quite a journey for me.

Did you know about these diagnoses before these children came into your home?

Not at all. We knew that both parents had lower IQs. But then, with all the stuff with him, I was like, oh, it's all trauma. Like we've learned so much about trauma and so much about attachment that it was kind of what was given to us on a platter was there acting this way because of trauma. We cannot fix that, but once we kind of heal that by making them feel safe, then everything's going to be great. And you're going to have this attachment, and they're going to catch up developmentally. And, you know, so you'll be in therapies for the first couple of years. But after that, everything's going to be fine. 

We kept waiting for that magical time, and it felt like just over and over again, we heard like, after about two years, stay consistent, you do this, and this will happen, and that never happened. We kept waiting and waiting. We finally did evaluations and Matthew had had a seizure and the neurologists said that his processing speed is really low. I was like, what is happening? I just had no concept of any special needs at all. So, he was explaining to me what IDD was, which is an Intellectual and Developmental Delay. For those who don't know, it is the new PC term for mental retardation. So, when I looked that up, I was like, oh, okay, now I kind of have a category to put this whole thing and I didn't, I just didn't know. It wasn't until one of our occupational therapists mentioned something about FASD that I was like that's a possibility. In training, they didn't tell us much about it and maybe spent a 30-minute session on it. They did not tell us, however, that it could get worse over the years that things could really escalate, and that this could be a lifelong thing. It's legit brain damage. It's not like something that they heal from after two years. It's something that stays with them forever. It's just been quite the journey, it's been tricky to get a diagnosis, because there are not that many clinics, and there are not that many doctors who are willing to diagnose it. And what I've found is, once I've gotten that diagnosis, it's given me so much more grace for them, and just being able to understand what's going on with their brains, with their actions, they don't understand consequences. Like if this, then this is so far beyond them. It's allowed me to be a better mom, because of the diagnosis. We've also been able to receive help and get the right kind of therapies. It's been quite the journey.

3 Tips For Parenting A Special Needs Adopted Child

1. It is important that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that adopting anyone, especially a little one with special needs, is exactly what you are to be doing. Adoption is hard, and parenting kiddos with special needs can feel impossible some days, but if you know you were called to do this work, it will bring peace amid chaos. 

2. You and your relationship with your spouse need to remain the most important thing. Having special needs kiddos is a marathon, and so it is vital that you remain sane and that your relationship with your teammate does not suffer. Make sure those habits are built in now, so it is easier to continue moving forward. 

3. There is more than an attachment. You can do all the things that all the books say, and your children can still have behaviors that seem off or delayed. You are doing nothing wrong. In utero, stress and exposures can greatly affect a child long term even if you were to give them the best possible life. 

Learn more about Laura

Mamasystems.net is Laura’s website and you can find some great tools there. Check out her free self-care guide that helps make sure that mamas are taking care of themselves and really have that peace planned out and really have that part implemented. 

I trust that you found a lot of value in our conversation with Laura today. She touched on quite a few topics that I think were incredibly helpful. One, just understanding the challenges that can come in the unknowns that happened in the adoption process. The second, learning a little bit more about the foster care adoption process in the state of Texas. Then she gave us three tips or parody that special needs children have when adopted. And finally, a reminder of the importance of self-care and how when you take care of yourself, you can show up to take care of others better. Remember anything's possible with the right plan and support and I'm just an email or Facebook message away. I'll see you soon friend. 

Hi, I Am Amanda

I am an adoption profile expert on a mission to teach you how to adopt and help you create and share your family's story more affordably!