Private Adoption In Less Than One Year

Private Adoption In Less Than One Year

In this blog, we're going to have a conversation with one of my clients, Jill and Brady, and learn exactly how we worked together through the adoption profile masterclass, where I taught them how to build their adoption profile themselves. They're going to walk us through their journey of everything from starting with the home study all the way through to matching and expecting the birth of their child next month. 

Jill and Brady’s Adoption Journey Story

Amanda: If you wouldn't mind sharing a little bit of where you are in your journey at the moment.

Jill and Brady: We are matched with an expectant mother, and we have been matched since about the end of May. We have been able to be in contact and prepare for a while I know that everybody's story is different. So, we feel fortunate that we've been able to prepare, and she is due in November.

Amanda: Tell me a little bit more about your path. How did you kind of get started? And ultimately, how did you end up matching your adoption?

Jill and Brady: We started the home study process and had been talking about it for a while in our marriage, but we officially started the process back in August of 2021. We both work in education, so fall is kind of our busy time. Therefore we were a little bit slow on getting all of our documents and stuff in order and finishing some of our classes. We finished up our home study in December of 2021 and got in with a couple of agencies and an advertising agency. In January, we were kind of waiting, and we were shown some families and some situations, and then in May, it was an attorney who actually reached out to us to our advertising agency, and said that the expectant parent had chosen us and wanted to do an interview. And that's how we matched.

Amanda: Wow, first of all, kudos to you for battling through the back-to-school season and getting through all of your home study requirements. As a parent who interacts with the school system, I know what it's like and how hectic it is. But my goodness, I can't imagine going through all of that paperwork at the same time, getting through there, and then really kind of choosing your agency in January, and working on your profile, and then having an opportunity in May. That's an incredibly fast period of time.

Jill and Brady: I would say that's what surprised us the most. By the time we entered the system essentially in January, we were told to expect up to 12 months or two years. Now five months later, here we are preparing.  It was just mind-spinning.

Amanda: That is, I mean, it's just amazing. So I'd love to know, a little bit more about the steps in that process. I know where you live, do they require classes as part of your home study? And so you got your home study approval, talk to me next kind of your decision, if you will, as it relates to the what agency partners you are going to use to help you really kind of spread the word and about your family.

Jill and Brady: The agency partners that we chose to use, were mostly through word-of-mouth referrals. We had some friends and colleagues that had adopted in the past and what agencies and professionals they felt were really helpful, both a lawyer and then an agency, and then this advertising agency, which we thought was kind of something you paid after you matched with this particular agency. And so we were like, Oh, I don't know that much will come out of this, but we'll try it, and that ended up being really helpful for us with finding that match. We definitely expected something to come out of the local recommendations we'd received, so we started off just with those. Then we had a conversation and found this national listing-type agency. We liked that it’s nationwide and that we didn't have to pay anything upfront. So, we decided to take a flyer on it, and put our name out there. We're definitely surprised that that's where the match ended up coming from really, just because it’s something we decided to take a flyer on and it ended up working out.

Amanda: That is awesome. You just never really know, right? That's what I tell clients all the time. You just don't know. 

Jill and Brady: We have family scattered throughout the United States and a few places, so we wanted to look at going nationwide, just because we had a support system in place, to where if we had to travel, there would be opportunities that we would have support, we wouldn't be on our own somewhere. 

Amanda: That is really important, and that's very strategic on your part. Because once you get into a state, you never know how long ICPC is going to take to clear so that you can go back home. And it can be really expensive. I know with our oldest we ended up having to be in the state of Florida for three weeks, which I know you know when you don't live in Florida, it sounds like really fun to go and save. So, you chose your agencies, and I agree with your approach on kind of multiple agencies or multiple kinds of matching opportunities. Yeah, I do think that also has a lot to do with the speed of how a lot of hopeful adoptive families are placed or matching these days because they’re what I call putting yourself in the driver's seat of your adoption. They are having an equal responsibility to share your desire and intent to adopt and to share your profile with more people. So that way, people can actually learn that you're hoping to adopt and potentially consider a match with you. 

Jill and Brady: What was kind of eye-opening for me when we were doing all of this is we have a whole list of things to do from the home study agency, and make sure you're doing this class and this form and get this you know, TB test or something done. And so honestly, proof-making a profile was pretty far down on my list, because like, you know, we got to make sure we're enrolled in this class and doing this and all of that. So, it was kind of okay, I'll have a book, it's fine. I collected a few pictures. And the lady doing our home study said something like, Okay, you guys have been working in your book, and I'm a pretty good planner, like a meticulous person. I asked her what are you talking about? And she recommended taking the course with you. She said, You know, people just find was really helpful. And I thought, Okay, well, you know, I'm taking all these other classes. I might as well take this one too. And it was just so eye-opening for me. I guess I kind of felt like maybe they had some things to say but we're, you know, we're kind of boring. What do we do with our free time and all of those, those things that you want to bring out, and I probably would not have known how to do that I probably would have written that very much like a resume. I feel so fortunate, and I know that you said that you felt like casting our net really wide was helpful. But I also think having a good profile was what really helped us match. Absolutely, because, as you said, the things we do, you know, we do things in our free time, and we do certain things, but to us, they become so routine, like going to a concert or whatever we like to do. It's just part of the natural flow of our lives. It's hard to sit down and think about that of like, okay, this is what we do. But how do we talk about it? Because to us, it just happens. And like, what is our story? And how do we share that story? Both Brady and I, actually met in graduate school, in the educational psychology program, and so I think we were really trained in technical writing, very, like scholarly scientific writing. So, narrative writing was pretty different for us, so that was really helpful, too.

Amanda: I'm glad you found that helpful. That's the adoption profile masterclass. My background is in journalism, bachelor's and master's, then I work in marketing as a day job. But as I went through the adoption process, I realized that I needed to narratively write the story about our life, and I needed to share it in a different way. In the problems and the pitfalls that I encountered when I very first wrote my profile I treated it just like a resume, just like you said, everything in there. 

Jill and Brady: Right. Like, and it was just, it was too overwhelming. I think that in most training you've had when you talk about yourself you approach it like here are my degrees, here’s what I do for a job, etc. It was kind of funny when we were putting out we were both writing, like, he'd write and then I'd write, and then we put something together. By the end of it, I said, I don't think I even put what we do for work in here at the end of it. Like we had to go back and like, write just a little bit of that resume stuff because like we were just so much into, like telling the story. And it was, it was really helpful. Yeah, the very beginning process when we were trying to think back, like the brainstorming bubble style worksheets, the only thing that came up as far as the resume type stuff was one of our facets of life was education. That's where we work, but the focus on it wasn't this is what we're getting up and doing every day. Just being able to brainstorm and think critically about the different points of our lives was like, homework, for lack of a better term. Which made us think outside and think more deeply about how we categorize our life. Ultimately, how we want to bring a child into that was right. I think the class definitely helped with getting that narrative out. It also helped us think a little bit differently, like okay, education is really important to us. It's how we met, it's what we both do for work and all of that, but like, what do we want that to look like for our future family and getting that out and thinking through those things? Well, you know, we definitely thought about they're gonna go to this school, because it's right here and, or whatever. But, you know, it helped even put that story into our minds that maybe hadn't solidified all the way.

Amanda: That warms my heart to know that it helped you and that is my goal and the reason why I still have a corporate day job right and do this because it's my passion. I hope it helps you also prepare for your conversations with your expected family. Can you talk to me a little bit more about what that was like when you got that phone call? And you were going to have that very first conversation with them?

Jill and Brady: A lawyer had reached out to us and let us know that they found us through the site and the expectant mother was pretty set on it being us. And so we kind of were like here's about us, and she was like, I know, guys, I've decided on you and her lawyer encouraged her to pick backup families. He told her to pick two or three, and she comes back with us. He's like, okay, who else and she's like, there's nobody else. So, to hear that on that phone call was just completely mind-blowing and exciting. 

So I asked her if she was really committed and let her know that was great and I love it. But like, also what makes you so sure? She's said, just reading that profile, like, I felt like a year, the child was already in your hearts. And it really, the child is already in our hearts. So, you know, we both want to be parents, and we wanted to be parents for so long. So, the child, whoever that is going to be definitely was already in our hearts. We moved into this house probably five or six years ago, and we had a room that we never touched because that was going to be a future child's room. The child was definitely already in our hearts. I'm glad that that was able to be communicated. 

Amanda:  That's amazing. I oftentimes have to kind of fight away the tears at those moments. So, you had the opportunity to have that first conversation. What has it been like since then? You said you were picked kind of at the end of May? It’s October when we're writing this blog. And she's due in November. So, what has the journey been like since then?

Jill and Brady:  So there, there's some distance. We live in the Midwest in Kansas, and we're adopting in Texas. So, there is some distance there. We have been able to travel once and attend a sonogram with her, and we were able to be there to find out that it was a girl. So, you know, we were able to be there for that piece. Jill has done such a wonderful job of creating a relationship with our expectant mother. I give all the credit to her. She's done an amazing job in this and probably talks to her at least once a week. Every time she has a doctor's appointment, and asking how everything went. And not just from a selfish standpoint of how's this baby. But Jill, again, amazing job of creating the relationship and caring for the mother as well, making sure if she needs something from us, or if there is anything we can do to aid her the way she's aided us. Just creating an amazing relationship. So it's been smooth with zero issues, and everything has gone great. I owe it all to my amazing wife. We've been really lucky in having an expectant parent that wants that. This is our first situation, so I understand that in some situations, it's all talked through an adoption agency. And that's, you know, this one since she and the lawyer kind of came to us. You know, I've had more direct contact with her, and we did end up actually just something that I didn't realize that different states have different laws on, you know, how you can help families and things like that. So, we did end up having to go to a different agency that worked in Texas. So, we don’t still have the agency involved, because that was needed for our situation. But having that direct contact with her has been amazing. For example, when she got sick I could ask what do you need? What can we do for you? And I even told her later I'm sorry if I was over-texting, but I wanted you to be okay. She was like, oh no, I love that you cared and all of that. So she's been really amazing too, and I just feel like we've just been so fortunate to find each other. We couldn't be happier with the person that we've matched with.

Amanda:  That is amazing. You're right, every situation is different, and it is perfectly normal to be a worrier, especially through the adoption process. A lot of my clients are like can we talk about things other than a profile? And I'm like, yes, because I've been there and I've lived it all. And I've lived with others. So I often say, I don't know this situation because I don't think there's a right answer, but here's what I've learned. I think the biggest thing that I've learned is to do exactly what you are doing and modeling for others, which is to care about her as a person for her. She's not the vessel for the baby. She is a person that you want to have a whole and complete relationship with, and in the most healthy fashion that you can, and how that happens is by putting her first and creating that relationship with her. I often joke with some of my hopeful adoptive families, I'm like, you know, we really need to go through an emotional intelligence class, as we enter into this, because a lot of that would help us as hopeful adoptive families to put perspective around things of like, think about the situation that they're in before you start to respond. Then think about the baggage that you're carrying into the conversation and try to leave it out as much as possible. And I think you're right, if you focus on them as a person and really respect their personhood from that perspective, no one is an expectant parent or expectant mother or father. I think it is just a really unique and different way to think about that. And it honestly helps calm you as you go through the process as well.

Jill and Brady: Yeah, absolutely. My day job is actually as a school psychologist. So, I asked Brady, if I'm being too psychological sometimes. I think that you're absolutely right, like thinking through all of those different emotions and processing your own emotions. Because there are definitely some times when I have to sit back and be like, okay, Jill, this is your anxiety getting in the way right now, and don't be silly. Don't be jumping to conclusions. I think you have to learn to kind of talk to yourself like that, but also, it's okay to have those emotions. It's okay to acknowledge those and you really do need to give yourself time to think through those things and allow yourself to be who you are as well. Do not put your emotions onto other people, but allow yourself to also get what you're needing. I remember one day over the summer, I was just telling my mom that I was just filled with so much anxiety right now with all of these changes. It's really been stressful for me. Brady was gonna go to some conference or something in DC for two or three days and I was off for the summer. I told my mom, hey, can I just come to spend the week with you? Because I'm going to just be sitting at home alone and just worried, and it's not even like things that necessarily about this process just like, just in general. So, I think I'm doing that for myself and allowing myself to like, give myself that break and just know, okay, you don't need to sit there fighting with your anxiety the whole time, instead go and do something else. I think people often try and hold themselves to really high expectations, and allowing yourself to take those breaks and have those check-ins is important.

Amanda:  Yeah, that's really great advice. I know when we were in the waiting period I must have cleaned our house 5000 times and just purged and purged. I remember going through that portion of like the waiting period, and it was just what can I do right now to calm myself down, was really helpful. So, now you're in kind of the last couple of months or the last few weeks. So talk to me about a hospital plan and where you are at in the moment, and what you're planning and looking forward to as this journey progresses.

Jill and Brady:  We just got the hospital plan two or three weeks ago, so we're just preparing for that. Preparing for traveling from Kansas to Texas. Even before we got the hospital plan, we're in the nursery, going through everything that is stacked up in there be like, okay, this goes to Texas, this stays here, this goes to Texas, and just, you know, even two weekends ago, we're practicing packing the car, so we make sure we take everything and it'll fit in the cars. We have three dogs, so we have to have a plan in place for them. We're being told that there will be a planned date for a C-section. So that's helping us plan and nail down our dates to hopefully avoid that 3 am phone call, that's like, hey, head to Texas, and then it could happen to make a phone call to my brother, where I'm like, Hey, come pick up my dogs, take them to our parent’s house because my parents are gonna stay back and watch the dogs. I'm very schedule oriented, so making the hospital plan we also know that that can all be thrown out of the way. We just keep telling ourselves if it's all thrown out the window, we're going to be ecstatic with whatever life brings us and the next two months. Because we know that the expectant mom makes a different decision. And that’s something that we would support her in that too, because of course, that's her right. That's not something that we can control. But we'll be ready for it and we're looking forward to what life brings.

Amanda: That is amazing. Well, I thank you for sharing your story. I'd love just to give you the opportunity if you could say one thing to other hopeful adoptive families that are out there just waiting in their process to match any words of advice or encouragement that you would give to them.

Jill and Brady: As I said, I try so hard to be a positive person, and I would tell anyone who's waiting, it's coming. It is. No matter how much you feel in this moment like it's not, it is. And that's what you keep your heart turned to, because it will, and it might happen at the time you least expect it, but it will happen. When it does, it will be the greatest thing. That's sort of you know, another kind of echoing off of that is keeping your heart open to all the people that you get to cross paths with in this journey, you know, you definitely get to meet some great families out there. But you also get to meet great families that have an adoption story to tell as well. You know, there are so many people at work who, like, I didn't realize that they built their family through adoption that kind of came out that way and getting to meet different professionals. And I feel like having your heart and your circle, grow and getting to grow that along the journey. Just enjoy that as well.

Amanda: That is awesome. Well, thank you both so much for being willing to share with our audience, and we'll definitely want to do an update once the baby is home.

I hope you found a lot of value in the conversation with Jill and Brady today, there were a few important lessons that we touched on throughout our conversation. The very first thing is they really took charge of their adoption and made sure that they had a really high-quality adoption profile. They knew that they didn't feel quite confident, and telling the story and knowing really what to say about their family, and they needed a little bit of help and guidance along the way to do that. So, they worked together with me through the adoption profile masterclass to create their adoption profile that they felt really comfortable with and that they knew was really going to help them match their adoption. The second big lesson that they taught us today is that they shared their profile through multiple methods of matching, they were sharing it in real life with friends and family. And they were also working with multiple agencies, they did their homework, and they found agencies that wouldn't require them to pay anything until they matched, or that would give them a small opportunity to share with an advertising fee attached to it. And they would also share it on their behalf with other people. And lo and behold, that's actually what helped them match. They were sharing their profile in multiple different ways. So, that more people could see their profile and have the opportunity to consider them as the right hopeful adoptive family. And really, that is the secret to why they matched in less than a year. So again, they went live in January, and they matched at the end of May. They'll bring home their child in November. So, matching in that short period of time because they were doing their homework and creating a great profile and then sharing that profile with expectant families. And then having the right conversations and the right mindset. Once they had that opportunity to connect with an expectant family, treating the expectant, fair parents and mother as whole people and not just as an opportunity to adopt a child. I know I helped them form the right relationship, which has helped them have a really great foundation for the rest of their lives as an extended part of their family. So again, I hope that you found a lot of value in the conversation today, and if you have any questions, feel free to drop them below or jump on over to my adoption coach Facebook group and ask there. Remember, anything's possible with the right plan and support and I'm always just a message away.

Hi, I Am Amanda

I am an adoption profile expert on a mission to teach you how to adopt and help you create and share your family's story more affordably!