Real Talk A Birth Mother Story

Real Talk A Birth Mother Story

We're incredibly fortunate to speak with a birth mother who placed her child for adoption 20 years ago. In this blog, we will look at her story, learn about her journey, and dive deeper into why she picked the hopeful adoptive family that she chose. She will also share with you ways to support your expected family as you walk along this adoption journey with them. Amanda is a birth mama, and she was willing to share a little bit more about her story with us. As we read through her story, we'll also unpack a few specific things that I know you guys are always interested in learning more about. So let's dive right in.

The Beginning of Amanda’s Adoption Journey

I asked Amanda what led to her choosing a hopeful adoptive family and what stood out to her during her experience with choosing a family. Here is what she said.

This is actually the first time I've spoken about this. I've written a blog about it that was read by my close people, my close friends, and family but to be like completely outspoken about it on a public forum is my first time. The birth father and I were high school sweethearts, and

he was a typical he's going to make my parents angry type of boyfriend. So, of course, I was like, let's date. But, of course, being so naive, even being 16 years old, when you start dating someone, you're going to go, nothing's going to happen like, this is just fine. He's just such a cool guy with long hair and was three years older than me. So, at first, my parents didn't know I was dating someone older than me. But eventually, they found out, and of course, they didn't like him because he had dropped out of high school, gotten his GED, was in a rock band, all the things that make parents question what you think you're doing with your life? 

We are dating, and at 17, right before I graduate high school, I found out I'm pregnant. It was the night before. He actually knew before I did. I was like, I'm not pregnant. He said yes, you are, you need to take a test. And I did, of course, and he was right. And that is where our journey started with the whole adoption process.

We actually were planning to get married and have the baby and, and all the things, and then he, throughout our dating relationship, he had told me he didn't want kids and but I thought, of course, if we had our own kid, he would change his mind. That didn't happen. When I was about four or five months, he said, I think we need to talk about putting the baby up for adoption.

And somehow, I knew that's what I was supposed to do. Even before he brought that up, I felt that I just knew he wasn't meant for me. I knew I wasn't going to raise him, and I wasn't going to raise him or be a part of his life forever. I don't know how I knew that. I don't know if it was divine intervention, but just somehow, I knew. So he brought that up. And then I thought, okay, that's going to it's going to be.

Contacting an Adoption Agency

Next, we looked through the Yellow Pages when that still existed. We looked up adoption agencies and called the 1800 number and got a hold of some people. They sent us paperwork to fill out of what we preferred and what we didn't prefer. They then sent us profiles based on that. We would choose one to keep and send the rest back. They then would send us more until we wanted to move forward with someone.

What was it like in those moments of like looking through? Well, first of all, I was thinking of how I needed to decide that this is the right path for me and my baby boy. I knew deep down that we weren't ever going to be married. I just knew it. We had changed the wedding date three times, and we never talked about it. We didn't plan it. Something always came up that and then was like, oh, we'll just change this. So I think we avoided it without talking to each other about it. I knew that, and I didn't want my kid in a broken home. That was one of the probably most deciding factors. Other than that feeling, I just knew we weren't going to last. Plus, being so young, I knew that I couldn't make money or have the resources I needed to care for a child or to raise a child properly in the way that he deserved to be raised. And I knew that once we broke up, he would not be an existent father. It's all of those situations that are rolling around in my head. So once I made the decision, I told my family, my mother or my father and brother and sisters, and they just didn't know what to say, as most people don't have any clue what to say when you tell them something so life-changing.

I always knew I wanted kids since I was little, so not having my baby came with many unexpected emotions even though I knew he was meant to be with the adopted family. I knew that's where his life and his journey were going to take him, but still, I was like, I miss him.

I also was like, How can I miss him? Like, we barely spent any time together? I saved his hat from his hospital stay; I still have it. I mean, it's in you just every year on his birthday, I get it out, and I smell it and put it back. Little things like that, I think birth moms are always under a stigma of not doing it for the right reasons. At least from the time period I did it. That was why I didn't want to talk about it for so long, as there was a lot of kickback from the community for my entire family. For example, my parents had gone to the same gas station for over ten years, and the gas station told them they could no longer do business there because of my decision to place my baby up for adoption. I don't blame other birth moms for sometimes not wanting to talk about it. Because you do get the how dare you give away God's gift? That's not at all what's happening. 

There were not any resources for me when I was dealing when I was going through it.

My father encouraged me to get counseling, and I did for only two sessions because there were no counselors around here that specialized or had experience with adoption. I tell people all the time in support groups and stuff like you guys don't understand how lucky you are to have these groups. They weren't around whenever I was going through this and had I been able to talk to somebody that had been through this, it would have been a

different experience.

What was it like looking at adoption profiles? 

When we filled out the paperwork for the type of family or type of couple we wanted to adopt our baby, I had put on there that I didn't care what type of religion they were, as long as they weren't some crazy, like, weird stuff. I didn't care if they were Baptist, Catholic, or anything like that. So that was not a deciding factor for me. But I did want them not to be able to have kids of their own. Just because I wanted to know that they had the resources to take care of my child and give him the life that I was not able to provide him with. I also didn't want him to go into this giant family and just get lost in the shuffle. You always hear those stories of biological kids being treated differently than adopted kids. So that was a fear of mine. I also wanted a couple or a family that was very open about him being adopted. I didn't want that hidden from him, even though it might hurt him at some point. 

Whenever we got pictures, I was looking to see if they were happy and smiling. There would be a notebook of pictures of their family and their story of how long they've been trying for a baby or if they had adopted other kids. They were telling me about their other kids and

things of that nature. They also said what they did for a living, where they lived, what they did for fun things of that nature. There are some that you look at, and it’s an automatic no.

There's nothing there that connects us. Then there were a few that stood out, and we ended up talking on the phone with some of them. There was one time when we spoke to a hopeful family, and I just didn't feel the chemistry there when we spoke. 

Another couple had been trying to have kids for like seven or eight years. They hadn't been successful, and they lived in Florida at the time. I think they just made sense to me. I chose them because they were very similar to me. They like to be outdoors, and I loved hiking, softball, and being outside. And that's what I love to do. He had an occupation that allowed them to have a little bit of financial freedom. She was going to stay home with him for a little while, and there was chemistry when we talked; it was just natural. It was like, okay, these are the people that we're supposed to partner with raising the baby. So that is how we chose them. I actually got to make the phone call to tell them that we chose them and they cried, and they were so thankful. 

What drew you to them outside of meeting your criteria?

They were very down-to-earth and very sweet people. They cared about me and my feelings and what I was going through at the time. I felt like when we talked, they really cared about me going through the process, along with also caring about if the baby's healthy and all of the things that go along with that as well. And it was kind of a short process because we didn't choose them until I was like seven months. It was just so natural, and they were just so loving and kind. There was just an energy there that I can't explain.

What advice would you give to hopeful adoptive families just to support their birth families through this process?

Offer them support. I'm not talking like financially. I'm talking about emotional support, like answering their questions honestly. I say honestly because they're giving you their baby. I mean, that's not something that anybody takes lightly. If you know you need to be 100% honest about whatever question it is they have, no matter how difficult that question might be. Just support them that way, and they will probably appreciate honesty more than anything. Also, just support them emotionally by answering the phone when they need you, when they're pregnant, or if they have a scare and have to go to the hospital, or just being there being kind and supportive and understanding and things of that nature. I don't know anything else specifically that you could say or do to make them feel better. Just listen.

You’re Not Alone In This Journey

If you are a birth mom, and you're reading this, number one, I want you to know that you're never alone. There are people that have gone through this. There are other women that have been where you are, and felt the shame that you feel and felt the disappointment and the heartbreak, and know what it's like to come home from that hospital without your baby. We know what it's like to go around to that first birthday, the second birthday, the third birthday and not have that child with you. We know what it's like to write a letter that will never get read. If you choose to close adoption, there are so many ways of healing modalities that are available to you now that were not available to me, and I encourage you when you're in an excellent spot to choose one of those to get your healing because what you're doing is amazing and what you're doing to help someone else's dreams come true. 

I encourage that if you're a birth mama listening out there, or if you're an adoptive mama listening, share it with your extended network to give another perspective on how you can support each of you in this journey because you are worthy of support you are worthy of love. I hope you take this call to action to support and love yourself. Thank you so much, Amanda, for sharing your story, and thank you so much for just having the courage to love on us. We are incredibly fortunate to have Amanda share her story with us. As she said, it's been over 20 years since she placed her child, and she's just now to the point where she wants to talk about it publicly. I hope that you take a moment to reflect on the lessons she shared with us and understand what the expectant family is going through when they are deciding to place their child for adoption. 

If you found value in today's episode that you would share it with somebody else that's currently walking in the adoption journey that you think would find value with this as well. Remember, anything's possible with the right plan and support, and I've got your back every step of the way.

Hi, I Am Amanda

I am an adoption profile expert on a mission to help you create and share your family's story more affordably!