How To Self Match Your Adoption
Because no one should walk the adoption journey alone, we're going to talk about self matching your adoption. Don't worry if this is not the option that you have chosen for your adoption journey. Stick around. There are some really amazing tips in this blog post that are going to help you no matter which option you've chosen.
We will be discussing:
What is Adoption Through Self Matching?
Benefits of Self Matching your Adoption
Drawbacks of Self-Matching Your Adoption
The Steps of Self Matching Your Adoption
What is Adoption through Self Matching?
Self matching means that you are finding the expectant mother and then finalizing the adoption via an adoption attorney.
A lot of people do tend to confuse this option with adopting with a private attorney. The main difference between these two types of adoption is that you are finding the expectant mother (self-matching) versus the attorney finding the expectant mother (adopting with a private attorney).
Timeline and cost being hugely variable here. Some people adopt as quickly as three months and others have been waiting for years.
From a cost perspective, it does tend to be one of the more affordable options coming in between $1,5000 to $20,000, depending upon who you're talking to, or who you're working with.
The only costs typically in this type of scenario, are those either living expenses paid to the birth mother’s account or those expenses directly with the attorney to finalize the paperwork.
Self-matching is a really affordable option and is an option that gives you a lot more contact directly with the expectant mother since you are finding them. But it is an option that you need to be really careful about as it does have some drawbacks.
Benefits of Self-Matching Your Adoption
Create a deeper relationship with the expectant mother
One of the benefits of self matching is that you do create a much deeper relationship with an expectant mother because you're finding them and they are choosing you specifically out of probably a list of hundreds (especially if you're using Facebook to find her like many of my clients).
There's just a deeper connection that happens with that process.
Close-knit bond with the expectant mother
Another benefit of having this kind of close-knit relationship is that expectant mothers typically are choosing this route because they want to make sure that as much of your available budget from an adoption perspective goes for caring for this child.
They are choosing this option because they don't want to see an agency make the money of the fees that could be used towards a college fund or other miscellaneous expenses of raising the child.
I've found that this type of adoption is really one that is a much more connected and symbiotic relationship between the hopeful adoptive family and the expectant mother.
Don't get me wrong, nothing's perfect. Nothing is just all roses, as it relates to the adoption process in general, and especially when it comes to self matching.
Not everything is a bed of roses when it comes to self matching your adoption.
That's something I'd urge you to put out of your mind is that there's no perfect adoption out there.
Drawbacks of Self-Matching Your Adoption
Next, let’s discuss the drawbacks of self matching your adoption and how we can put together a plan to work around those drawbacks.
Scams
So the first drawback that I would really urge you to guard your heart against is scams. Scams are really something that is prevalent in self matching your adoption.
Unfortunately, they're prevalent in the entire adoption process.
This really means that someone is pretending to be pregnant or pretending to intend to place their child for adoption and you have long-drawn-out conversations. You get your hopes up in some cases and people even spend money supporting these people only to find out that they don't intend to actually place their child for adoption at all.
There are laws against this in some states, and some Attorney Generals in different states will actually prosecute for adoption fraud. I really hope that this is not a situation that you end up in.
Plan to avoid adoption scams:
First (after you build that initial rapport), have a few conversations with an expectant mother. Typically, it comes via social media, maybe even progress into texting or over the phone, then I would ask her for basically proof of pregnancy to be sent to your attorney. I recommend that you ask them to speak with your attorney.
I know this may sound scary, but it is one of the more critical steps because your attorney can get permission from her via a HIPAA waiver form to have a conversation or get medical records from their Obstetrician's office.
That is where you want the proof of pregnancy to come from. If you're getting someone just sending you a picture of a sonogram, especially if the sonogram doesn't show their name, the current date, a current hospital then that is a number one tip that it is not a real opportunity.
In actually having the conversation, I have found it best (through my client’s experience) to say something along the lines of “Hey, I'm so excited for this opportunity, I want to make sure that we both understand the laws that we need to operate within. And so I'd love for you to have a conversation with our adoption attorney so that they can help represent you in this situation.”
So it is important to note that you will need separate adoption attorneys, or at least that's what I believe is ethically appropriate is for you to each have one - an attorney for you and a different one for her.
For that initial conversation, you’ll want your attorney to vet them.
When you have a conversation with an attorney to determine who your right adoption attorney is, then you want to make sure that this is something that they do.
Support or lack of guarantee
When you self match your adoption, another drawback is the lack of support and guarantee that you will have in the overall adoption process.
There are very few guarantees in the adoption process.
This is something you run the risk of with any type of adoption. It is important that you first and foremost, understand the laws in your state, and the laws in the state of the expectant mother so that you know that you are operating within the bounds of the law.
The last thing you want to have happen is that you get all the way to the finalization step and discover that because you pay her rent one month that you are not eligible for adopting that child, that would really just crush your soul, right?
I can't even imagine what that would be like.
So you want to make sure that you understand the law in each state. But what you don't want to have happen is that you spend thousands of dollars supporting this person.
And then at the end, when it becomes finalization time they change their mind.
Now, let me be really clear about something every expectant mother has: the right to make a decision not based upon funding and the fear of not being able to care for this child
That is not at all what I'm talking about here, I'm talking about from the hopeful adoptive parent’s perspective, you likely don't have unlimited funds, right. So, if you are putting together you know, your best foot forward and trying to do all you can to support during the pregnancy phase that is ultimately something that you want to lead into a successful adoption.
If you don't end up in a successful adoption, then that takes away your budget opportunity for your next phase or your next opportunity. I totally get that there will be some out there that will harshly judge hopeful adoptive families because of this, just know this upfront, guard your heart against the judgment of others and try to let it roll off your back as much as you possibly can.
Again, the main drawbacks of finding an expectant mother on your own for self matching really comes down to who you know, time, cost, how hard it is to find an expectant mother, and in finding those expectant mothers.
The Steps of Self Matching Your Adoption
1. Find an Attorney for Self Matching Your Adoption
When it comes to finding an adoption attorney, you're actually going to need two adoption attorneys: one for yourself and one for the expectant mother.
I would focus on finding an adoption attorney in your local area for you first, and then have a conversation with that adoption attorney to get recommendations on how to proceed with the expectant mother’s adoption attorney.
Most adoption attorneys practice in a practice with a couple of attorneys and more than likely they're going to recommend one of their colleagues to be the expectant mother’s attorney. You will come across some attorneys that actually don't believe in having a second attorney for the expectant parent, but that's going to be an individual decision.
I always believe that it's better to have kind of a division of church and state so that she can have an unbiased third party and her attorney that you're paying for will help her understand the law, her options, and her legal rights as it relates to the adoption process.
Again, highly individual choice. So when it comes to finding an adoption attorney, you should treat this as an interview. You are interviewing adoption attorneys to determine if they're the right fit for you.
Now I have a whole list of questions and another resource. And if that's something you need, feel free to jump into the Facebook group or to email me and I'm happy to help you.
Let's talk about some of the basics of how you interview an adoption attorney and how to enter into the conversation with the right mindset.
What do you want to know about this attorney?
What's the process?
What are the fees?
Think about their communication style. This is an individual that is going to help you form your family. So it is really important that you feel comfortable with how they communicate, and that their communication style matches yours.
Do they like to email?
Do they like to talk on the phone?
Do they text?
How are you going to communicate?
Whenever an opportunity does arise you want to know how they communicate and those odd hours of the time of day because adoption doesn't follow a Monday through Friday 9 to 5 type of schedule.
A potential match could come up at midnight on a Tuesday. Right? So how do you communicate with an attorney and those types of situations?
Now, I'm not saying you need 24-hour access to these folks? Absolutely not. But you do need to understand if something is going down quickly or if something is rather odd what the boundaries are there from a communication perspective?
You do need to remember that these folks are likely going to charge you by the hour so it's not a safe space for you to turn to as it relates to getting advice on you know, she didn't text me back or I haven't talked to her in a while. That safe space is our Facebook group. That's the My Adoption Coach Facebook Group. That's what we're here for.
You don't want to pay an adoption attorney an hourly price to do that, trust me. So when it comes to being intentional with the attorney that you're choosing, I would look for ratings & reviews.
As much as it sounds funny, Google really does help (just like you're buying a product from Amazon), I would ask for recommendations in Facebook groups of “Has anyone worked with this individual?”.
And it doesn't hurt to also ask in local moms groups on Facebook as well, because you just never know who's had experience with them. So again, if you need the exact list of questions that I recommend asking in an Adoption Attorney interview, click on the button below.
2. Get an Approved Home Study
The second step is to get an approved home study. Some people may do these two steps backward but I would highly recommend that you choose an attorney first before going into the home study process. Attorneys going to give you the lay of the land as it relates to the home study and more than likely they're going to have some suppliers or vendors that they recommend you working with to complete your home study. Home study sounds so incredibly scary, right? This is a step you have to do no matter what type of adoption you're moving forward with, but it really isn't scary, I promise.
Basic tenets of a home study
1. Background checks
So let me tell you when I went through the background check, I felt like a total criminal. So if you’re in the process, or when you go through the process, and you feel that way, know that it's completely normal.
They'll make you fill out, you know, child maltreatment, background checks, or they're going to send off to your state agency to check whether or not you've ever abused a child or been accused of it, you're going to have to go get fingerprinted.
When I walked into the jail for the first time to get fingerprinted for my background check and told him I needed to get fingerprinted for an adoption, I felt like I was gonna throw up because I felt like I had tried my entire life to avoid that moment. And here, I was intentionally choosing it.
So just know that it's completely normal if you feel the same way out there. So after you get fingerprinted, and send off all of your background check forms, the waiting process begins.
I kind of think of this as the primer to your adoption journey.
Because the adoption journey can be so filled with waiting from visits from random strangers to social workers that are going to come to check your home for all of the safety requirements.
Again, there's a checklist that you should be provided of what you need to ensure you know, your home meets from a safety perspective.
It's all of the things that you would typically think of like
outlet covers
baby gates across stairs
ensuring that if you have firearms that they're properly secured
you have smoke detectors and fire extinguishers,
your medicine is in a locked cabinet
your cleaning chemicals are all put away in a locked cabinet
Again, they're going to have a specific checklist for you.
If you need it home study checklist, I'm happy to share with you that you're going to walk through the process, they're going to:
interview you
ask you some questions (with your partner and separately)
references that typically will come in the form of letters
some medical information
So what's important to know about the medical information (because this can seem so scary when you're going through the process for the first time) is most home study providers ask for a letter from your doctor saying that basically physically fit enough to care for a child.
Most times I've not found that they asked for any sort of mental health. I do know that that is something that can be asked for from time to time. So if you do see a therapist regularly, or if you have documented diagnosis from a mental health perspective, then they may ask for a letter from your counselor or therapist as well just to again, ensure that you are physically fit mentally, and mentally fit to care for a child.
I know when I went through this particular process with my husband, this annoyed us and we got a little angry because there are tons of children that are born to people that don't have to do this step.
Yep, it stinks.
My advice to you is to suck it up, buttercup. You’ve got to keep moving because this is just one of those little potholes in the adoption road. You've just got to keep moving past to get to your destination.
It's going to feel unfair, it's going to feel foreign, it's going to piss you off and it is just literally a step behind.
It's hard to hear, but again, if you need a safe space to vent those feelings come over to the My adoption coach group. We don't let expectant mothers into our groups specifically. So you have a safe space to ask questions to share your feelings and be raw and honest about the adoption journey because it is a hard one.
3. Decide How to Find an Expectant Mother
Finding an expectant mother is a really tough journey.
Most of the time it's going to happen on social media. I would urge you to think about is the fair opportunities in your daily life and in your local community to also find an expectant mother. So get creative, and brainstorm where you think an expectant mother might be turning to for help.
And then how does your family naturally fit into that situation? And that scenario, and how can you share with those individuals that might be coming across an expectant mother, your story, and that you're hoping to adopt, so get creative here, because it really can, it makes or breaks your journey, I'll do a whole nother episode diving more deeply into finding an expectant mother because it is really tricky and complex to help you. But just so stay tuned and more to come here.
4. Create Your Adoption Profile
Creating your profile is the most critical step in the adoption process.
After you’ve found your attorney, gone through the home study, and decided where you're going to try to find an expectant mother, you need to have something to create that initial hello.
Your profile is beyond a book or PDF that you emailed to someone. It’s a social media post. It's a website. It's a video that you share on social media.
There are a million different ways to think about your profile these days.
The most important thing that you can do is have an amazing profile, you will be lost in the sea of hopeful adoptive families.
That's just the reality, the waiting list to adopt is really long and it takes time.
So having an amazing profile is critical to your overall journey.
What makes an amazing adoption profile:
be clear about who your family is
concise
compelling enough to grab her attention quickly
Having a great profile will make the expectant mother want to have a conversation with you.
Your adoption profile is a huge body of work and not something that you should rush through. If you have any questions about this, feel free to email me or hop into the Facebook group.
5. Share Your Story
Next, you're going to share your story. Sharing your story is really important because once you've created this profile, you've got to get it in front of the right audience at the right time to have a conversation.
So these two elements really go hand in hand.
Sharing your story again goes back to these questions:
How are you going to try to find an expectant mother?
Are you going to try to match via social media?
Are you going to work your network of local contacts in your local community?
What option (or options) have you chosen?
Have you chosen to move forward as you're sharing your story?
Sharing your profile in a way that is appropriate for those options is really important. So if you're sharing on social media, you're going to need one set of what I'm going to call assets or content to share your profile. Or if you're sharing it physically in person, you're going to need another type of asset or content to share.
So sharing your story is super important that you get it right.
6. Match with an Expectant Mother
The sixth step matching with an expectant mother. This is when you've started having conversations and things have started to get a little more real.
You're going to ask her to have a conversation with your adoption attorney. This is when it's going to become critical that you have her verify her pregnancy with the adoption attorney.
Again, I wouldn't use that language with her. I would just ask her to have a conversation with the attorney so that you can both understand your rights from a legal perspective as you move forward so that you stay you know in the bounds of the law.
Let your attorney have the conversation as it relates to pregnancy verification when you are matching. With an expectant mother, you will get so excited your heart skips a beat, you feel like you are dating all over again.
And don't tell my husband, but I know well, we had conversations like I felt a little bit more important than even when I had my initial first date with him. I know it sounds silly, and probably a bit disrespectful. No disrespect intended.
But what I want to tell you is that you're going to be full of excitement and jitters, and the endorphins are going to be pumping in your body like crazy. What you need to remember is, this is not for sure.
I don't want to be Debbie Downer, but nothing is final until the adoption is final. I'm not saying don't get excited. I'm not saying don't have hope. I'm not saying don't fall in love with the baby with the expectant mother, etc.
But you must stay guarded. Because it hurts and there's a lot of emotion in the situation for everyone. Nothing is final until it's final.
Once you've matched with an expectant mother, and have some initial conversations, build some rapport, and then ask her to talk to the attorney doesn't mean you can't continue to talk to her because you definitely should.
You want to be guarded until you make those critical hurdles of confirming the pregnancy, confirming her intention to place the child, and then ensuring that you both understand what you have to do from a legal perspective to make the adoption final.
7. Baby is Born
The seventh step is the baby is born. I will fully admit that my experience here is in a non-COVID world. So I'm going to share a little bit of that. I'm also going to share a little bit of in a COVID world from what my clients have been sharing with me.
When the baby is going to be born, typically you're going to work out some sort of birth plan with the expectant mother and I use the terms birth plan a little loosely here because obviously, the actual birth plan is the expectant mother's birth plan.
The plan you want to work out with her is the hospital protocol.
Are you going to be present in the room?
Are you going to be present at the hospital?
Is she going to call you when she's in labor?
Is she going to call you afterward?
These are the details that you need to delicately work out between the two of you so that you have a clear understanding of what's going to happen during the hospital time in a non-COVID hospital time.
I would suggest that you would plan to stay at the hospital with the baby until the time of discharge. How you would do that is you would call the hospital that she intends to give birth to and make a plan with the hospital's social worker.
A hospital social worker is going to tell you the protocol as it relates to can they extend a room for you to stay in. You can also have conversations with the hospital social worker about making sure your room is far away from the expectant mother if you think that that's the right approach (or you can be next door to the expectant mother).
You just need to have a really clear understanding from the hospital as it relates to their protocol. You also want to have a clear understanding from your attorney on the necessary paperwork to give you medical authority at the different stages of the hospital time.
In some states, you're allowed to assume guardianship at birth and make all medical decisions for the child moving forward. If so, then that's a conversation you would want to have with the expectant mother to ensure that she's aligned with that approach.
In other states, they're going to require that you not make those decisions until you have temporary custody, which will happen after some sort of waiting period. So again, there are two parts to understanding the logistics you will have at the birth.
First is the paperwork. This helps the social worker know what the legal system allows you to do.
Then, you need to have an open and honest conversation with the expectant mother on what she's comfortable with. Make sure you stay within the bounds of that during hospital time, since it will be full of emotion. As with many of the steps in adoption, you want to make sure that you're constantly being attuned to the situation and know what she wants to do without inflicting additional emotional harm.
In my particular situation, one of our adoptions our daughter was already born, but with our son, for instance, our expectant mother wanted us in the hospital and to begin caring for him as soon as he was born.
So I called ahead and worked out with the hospital that they would have a room for us that we could stay in during labor and delivery that was separate from the expectant mom.
Our expectant mother wanted us to keep our distance. That was another request that we made to the hospital social worker, then we had the paperwork that we had all pre-signed before birth, which gave us the authority to make medical decisions for the child as soon as he was born.
Then when became time for her to deliver, we just reported to the hospital. We stayed in our room as hard as it was to wait during labor as much as I wanted to hug her and encourage her and all of those things, but I needed to respect her privacy.
I needed to respect her wishes of making it through labor with her support system. Then after birth, they brought him to us and we began caring for our son.
Again, each individual situation is going to be different and you want to make sure you understand what the expectant mother wants and that you can adhere to that.
8. Finalize the Adoption
The last step is to finalize the adoption. This is going to vary based upon what state you're finalizing in and the laws within that state. Some states will allow you to finalize in the state that the child has been born, some states will require you to be finalized in your home state.
This is something that you need to get super clear on with your adoption attorney for each individual situation. I would highly recommend that you choose the finalized state based upon what is more friendly to adoption.
Some states allow a 72 hour revocation period.
A revocation period means the amount of time that the expectant family has to change their mind.
There are other states or other situations that are 30 days or even longer. Again, this is something that you really need to make sure that you have a clear understanding of when you start that initial conversation with an expectant mother.
You need to get an initial feeling for what the state laws are in your state, as well as the expectant mother’s state so that you can have a game plan with your attorney on where you would finalize.
When you are adopting out of state, it is also important that you plan for what's called the ICPC (Interstate Child Protection Compact). This basically means that the state that the child is born in has to communicate with your home state that they agree to finalize the adoption, then follow up on any additional requirements, like additional home study visits, and things of that nature before you're allowed to go home.
If your child is born in Florida, and you live in Arkansas, then there is a period of time that you will have to wait for the state of Florida to talk to the state of Arkansas to confirm that they'll take responsibility for you and finalizing the adoption before you're allowed to leave the state lines of Florida.
If you leave the state lines of Florida, you can violate the adoption agreement in so much the child would then be taken from you and either given to another family or put into the foster care system. So this is not an option or a step that you want to mess around with at all. You want to be super clear on what the rules are and follow them to the tee because you don't want to get to the finish line and then lose the opportunity to adopt. That would just be heartbreaking.
We have just reviewed what self matching your adoption is, the benefits and drawbacks of this type of adoption, as well as the general steps you need to take to adopt through self matching.
I really want to help everyone I possibly can through the adoption process. If you have any questions be sure to join us over in the free Facebook group. I'm there daily answering questions and would love to help you move forward with your adoption journey because we all know that adoption is hard, but anything is possible with the right plan and support. You can do this and I've got your back.
Hi, I Am Amanda
I help women build their families through adoption by giving them the step by step guide to adopt a child and support them on their journey
