Surviving Every Day While Waiting To Adopt
Today, we are wrapping up our Getting Started series to focus on what to do whenever you're waiting and that matching period and really how to survive it. This is the second part of a two-part post within the series. So, if you haven't checked out the very first part of this post as it relates to waiting for your adoption match, you can find it here.
I promise, there's a lot of good tips in there that you don't want to miss out on that post. It was inspired by my community that reaches out regularly and just shares how difficult it is to wait to be matched. It doesn't seem to matter if we've only been waiting a few months or if we've been waiting several years. I know that it is hard. So, I wanted to give you some practical tips from my own experience and members in my community on Facebook and my private clients and what has helped us.
I want to talk to you about that before we jump into today's post. Because the private domestic adoption journey is just that, it's a journey. And one of the most challenging elements of that is waiting to be chosen by those expectant parents. And we all know that the average waiting time to adopt a baby is anywhere between one to two years, depending upon what resource you consult or what message you're going through. But what is important to remember is that those are mathematical averages, right of a whole collection of different adoption opportunities out there. What creates an average, just kind of on the mathematical level, is that some folks will adopt a little faster, and some folks will adopt a bit longer. I know that that's not easy to hear.
If you're anything like me, you want to know what you could do to make your waiting less time, you want to be able to beat that average by a complete longshot. And I did everything I could to make my waiting time the shortest that I possibly could, of course keeping true to who I am and you staying very authentic to my story and my family's story. And without saying, I think you all know but me by now, to see that I was 100% ethical and following our moral compass for us as a family.
So in this post, I'm going to give you the best tips of what I would encourage you to think about when you're in that waiting period, whether you've been there for just a couple of months or maybe even a lot longer. You can think through how you can do everything in your power to shorten that waiting time because I know that that's why you are concerned.
In last week’s post, we talked about some of those emotionally filled holidays, right? And how to make it through those, and I gave you some tips to help you process those emotions around those big holidays and turn those big holidays into something that really could help you. But this week, we're going to talk specifically about those adoption-related things to help you practically in the adoption process. Because I always found that as I went through the matching period, it helped to have a sense of momentum of moving my adoption forward. Even though I knew I had really no control over it in the end. But by doing things that contributed to the adoption that wasn’t explicitly related to the adoption, right? It gave me kind of a breathing room. Other days, I wanted something that I knew that if I took this action, it put me one step closer to my goal, right and so let's dig into some activities that will help you pass the time but still be making progress towards your goal of adoption.
10 Things To Help You Pass Time In Your Adoption Journey
Create a maternity leave action plan
Determine your plan for caring for the child after they are home
Research parenting styles
Be in community
Daydream about the future
Get feedback on your adoption profile from a professional
Ensure that your agency is getting consistent, quality traffic
Brainstorm ways to overcome your barriers
Work on your adoption profile
Think about your adoption profile in the right way
Adoption Maternity Leave Action Plan
So the first thing I would suggest is putting together your maternity or paternity leave action plan. And in this specifically, I would research your company policy. I would think it through from a mindset of having some notice to having no warning that an expectant family has picked you. Because you never know if you will be lucky enough to have a stork drop which means the child is already born and you need to go to the hospital immediately. So think through how you would enable your company to continue to move forward without you if you needed to go on maternity or paternity leave rather unexpectedly or if you have shorter than the typical nine months of notice.
Since adoption is not often covered by maternity leave or patently leave policy, it is essential to think through how you plan to be off and plan to protect yourself financially. There's a couple of things that I just really want to share from my personal experience that I would encourage you to be very clear on how much time you want to be off. Know that upfront, this was something that I wish that I had had a bit more conversation about with my employers. Because in most cases, you will find that adoption isn't covered under traditional maternity coverage. Some companies will cover it like paternity leave and claim that you don't need that physical healing time. And therefore, they shouldn't have to give you a long time. I would instead argue that it is maternity leave; it is plain and simple. Because you have an emotional job to do here, you need to bond with the child. And in most cases, you're probably not going to be prepared for a child to arrive in your home when they do because that's just not what we typically do in the adoption process, right? We don't prepare a nursery and those things ahead of time because we don’t want those painful reminders staring us right in the face.
So I encourage you not to be afraid, push for the level you want, and have that conversation with your boss. This is one of those soapbox moments here, you guys because this is something I'm incredibly passionate about. There should be national reform related to adoption leave, and you should have the same equal leave as the company gives. If it's dependent upon gender, or what have you based upon that, so I'll try to refrain from my soapbox, as you guys know, occasionally can come out a bit.
But I would think through what type of adoption leave do you want? How do you set up your family financially for that leave? How do you work with your company to achieve your goals and be a great employee right? Like any other employee going on leave to set out those goals of this is what needs to be accomplished by the team, what you can do to help prepare the team, and what can wait until you get back.
Determine your plan for caring for your adopted child
Step number two is to be very crystal clear about how I'm going to care for these children or children after the adoption is finalized. So do you plan to continue to work? Do you want to have a nanny? Do you want to put them in and childcare during the day? And if so, have you picked out some places that you're on the waiting list?
On the subject of child care centers, it can be a funny feeling to show up and interview a place when you are just starting, but it is important. You never know when you will get an adoption opportunity, so you want to be prepared. I found most of them will work with you to have a spot for the child, especially if you've been on the list for a while. So I know it may feel a little strange to show up and be like, Hello, I have no idea when I'm going to become a parent, and I need to put my child on the waiting list. But just be open and honest with them.
I have found a school that has been incredibly supportive of our adoption journey from the very beginning. They know how we want to talk about adoption with our children and reinforce that with them as well. So be open and honest with them. And you'd be shocked about the generosity of others.
Research parenting styles
The next thing that I would do is I would start researching parenting styles. When you are transitioning out of the adoption, the waiting period into parenthood can happen quickly since you don’t have the nine months of notice. I know this may seem a bit crazy because newborns will not need discipline, etc., so why focus on this so early? You are parenting even before they are home and until well after they move out of the house. I suggest doing all the research you can the entire time you are learning to parent. After all, you have likely never been a parent before, or you have never been a parent of two kids or three kids at these ages, so research is your best friend in that part of the journey.
I leverage the teachings of Janet Landsbury https://www.janetlansbury.com/ from a Respectful Parenting perspective and weave these philosophies into even how I share about adoption with my children. As you are developing your style of parenting your adopted children, I would highly recommend you determine how you will share that they are adopted with them throughout their lives. This is highly individualized, but you must have a perspective and get your caregiving circle on board.
I cannot tell you how many conversations we've had with our circle about this is the way we're going to raise our children. This is the type of language we're going to use around adoption or just the type of language we're going to use to reinforce positive behaviors and redirect negative behaviors. So I suggest doing your research ahead of time because it makes you feel like you're making progress, and you start to define who you are. Researching ahead of time makes it a little less stressful versus trying to determine it at the moment. Don’t get me wrong; you’ll get plenty of those opportunities as a parent, so reaching parenting styles before you adopt a great way to be as prepared as possible.
Be in community
The next, and I'm sure you guys will be shocked to hear me say this but get in community with others walking the same walk. There is nothing like being able to have a conversation in a safe space with others on the same journey as you. I am intentional with the Facebook group, My Adoption Coach, to create a safe space for you. So I don't allow expectant parents in there so you can ask all the questions, you can share all the frustrations and heartbreak without any judgment, worry of what somebody will think of us because that is simply not allowed.
Daydream about the future
The next thing that I would do is daydream about the future, and I know this may sound a little like woo-woo, but I believe in the power of manifestation. I do think that if you speak it into the universe and consciously work on it, those good things will come your way. Call it divine intervention; call it good karma, whatever you call it yourself. But for me, daydreaming and visualizing what our future would be like really helped me feel like I was making progress.
And I did silly little things like having secret Pinterest boards that gave me an outlet to plan a nursery if it was going to be a boy or a girl. I had my first birthdays planned. If it was a boy or a girl, that just really gave me an outlet to feel like I was doing something I don't know, productive or normal, even though the adoption process can be a little atypical versus a traditional pregnancy.
Okay, so before we shift to talking about some like actual real practical steps, you can take this minute to push forward in your adoption. I just really wanted to take a moment to tell you. I know that the waiting time can be super hard, and I know you want to take action super fast. So if you are interested in taking action and moving forward with your profile, I would highly encourage that you jump on over on the waitlist for the next time I open the doors for the adoption profile masterclass. So that way, you are notified as soon as the doors open again.
Ways to Make Your Adoption Move Faster
Get Feedback on Your Adoption Profile From a Professional
Okay, so now we will shift into some practical action steps that you can take right now today to help shorten your waiting time. First of all, I would do a little investigation to see if you can get an idea of what could be going on. I would do this first of all by checking in with your agency or your consultant to get any feedback that they might be getting on your profile. Your profile is the most critical step in that initial Hello because that is what's going to be the reason why an expectant parent chooses to have a conversation with you or not. Either they're going to get a clear picture of who you are, and really vibe with you from that, and just feel comfortable in talking with you, or they're not.
I would have a conversation with your agency or consultant, and I would ask them for the feedback they're getting on your profile. Most agencies will just take whatever content you provide and put it into the profile. They don’t have expertise in marketing families because their training is in social work. Social work and marketing are two different things, don’t get me wrong, you need their social work background, but you also need someone that understands how marketing your family works. So I would highly recommend that you take a deep dive into your profile. If you have been waiting a while and if you want to seek professional help, then do it. There are an art and a science to marketing your family for adoption, so it is important to get the right tools and resources to help you. If you want to learn about the review services that I offer, reach out to me, and discuss what is best for your family.
Ensure that your agency is getting consistent, quality traffic.
Check-in with your agency or consultant to see how much exposure you are getting is important because without people seeing your profile, you can’t be chosen to parent this child. While you're talking to them, I would also ask them about their company’s exposure levels overall. Exposure levels can be a bit of a double-edged sword, because two factors drive exposure. How much traffic or how many families do they have that they are showing your profile? And then secondarily, how many families within that? Are you a good match?
Let me be very clear, though, and not everyone is a good match for you. That honestly is the reason why adoptions disrupt because either party wasn't the right match for each other, or maybe one party was not entirely like wholeheartedly into the idea of adoption. When it came to the moment for the final decision, it just really wasn't the right fit meaning adoption in general, not just the family. Again, zero judgment here because every expectant mother has the right to choose a parent or place for adoption.
Here is an example of how a conversation could go with your adoption agency/consultant. Okay, we had ten families come in this month that was considering adoption, and your profile was shown to one, and then you get super discouraged. My next question super quickly after that would be how many were we a good fit for? And of those that we were not a good fit for? Why weren't we a good fit? Was it that our criteria didn't fit with them, what they were looking for? Was it that we just fundamentally want different things? And if so, say your peace with that, and know that that is okay. If it is, your profile was shown, and you weren't chosen? That's where you need to dig in. That's where you need to get super clear on why it was that? Basically, at this stage, I would ask a ton of questions to the agency and then move to the next step of making a list.
Brainstorm ways to overcome your barriers
I would make a list of all of those possible barriers. What could be holding you back? Get the feedback from the agency or the consultant, or the attorney? And then make a list of really, what are those tactical things?
Making it up for the sake of an example here...Maybe it was budget, and perhaps you're like, what, we can increase our budget? Or maybe it was budget, and you're like, nope, we are tapped out, that is it. Anything beyond that's irresponsible. Or maybe you just wanted different types of communication on the back end right after the adoption is finalized. That is where you have to authentically search within yourself and ask what do I feel equipped to commit to that and say your peace if it wasn’t the right fit. Another possible reason could be the traffic they're getting and what type of exposure you're getting within that traffic.
So I would take all of the feedback you got from your discussion with your agency or consultant, and I make a list of all of those barriers. The next step here is to put together an action plan for those barriers. What are you to take that list of barriers and come up with a couple of different ways to overcome those barriers. And let's pause for just a second to talk about; let’s also be super careful here, not to get in the doom and gloom spiral, right? This can happen to us; we all know it; we’re walking on a tough journey, we have those days that are harder, that are more emotional, and we feel like it's never going to happen. Don't do that. Take a minute, walk away from the list. And come back the next day, the next minute, actually go for a run or a dance party in your car, if you remember the last episode, and just refocus and say, okay, anything is possible, but the right plan, and the proper support. And I know that I can jump into the Facebook group. And I can ask questions, and I can get private coaching with Amanda if I need it. And I can work through this actual plan because anything's possible. So take a list of your barriers and break it down.
Work on your adoption profile
The most practical advice that I can give you here is to focus on your profile. Again, your profile is that Hello. And without a clear and compelling hello, then, then you're just not going to get out of the starting block. If you're worried about your profile, you can sign up for that free training I've got coming up in a couple of weeks.
Think about your adoption profile in the right way
I would encourage you to think about your profile, beyond just a book or a PDF, your profile is every single thing you put out there, a website, a video, social media, a post on your social media accounts, a post in a Facebook group, all of those things are your profile. You need to have content that is fit to the purpose for it. The very most practical tip here that I can give you is to focus on your profile to make sure it's clear and compelling. To think about your profile, well beyond that, that silly book that we've all done for years and years and years. In this day of social media, your profile is well beyond an adoption profile book or a PDF that you email to someone.
I don't say focus on your profile lightly or make you panic. I always have your back with a step-by-step process to walk you through everything. And the series that we start next week is focused 100% on your profile. We’re going to talk about what makes a good profile, how to make a profile from good to great. And then I'm going to give you again some extra special training that is totally for free. That is only for my community that shows up in the Facebook group. That is really what I want to do and help you. I want to walk you through it step-by-step to make your adoption easier, faster, and more affordable. And affordably focusing on your profile to help communicate who you are, is what will enable that easier and faster part of how I want to help you.
So I hope that you've found a lot of value in today's post and that you're walking away feeling super energized to make a list of areas that you can focus on to help you match faster. Because telling your straightforward, authentic story about who you are is what's going to help you adopt a baby faster. I have a lot of heart to help you with that. And so I want to make sure that you don't miss a single post of the series that we're kicking off next week. I know this journey is so hard, but I want you to hear me say take comfort in this. You can do hard things. You are capable, you are tough, you are strong. And I'm always here to have your back, friend. I'll talk to you next week.
Hi, I Am Amanda
I help women build their families through adoption by giving them the step by step guide to adopt a child and support them on their journey
