The Adoption Self-Matching Process Finding Your Match

This blog will focus on phase three of the self-matching adoption journey. Self matching adoption means that you are matching without an adoption agency, and you are doing the legwork of finding expectant families to match without an agency. Self matching is also known as private independent adoption or independent adoption. I like the term self-matching your adoption because it makes it a little more intuitive about what is happening. 

Let's take a closer look at the three particular steps involved in stage three of self-matching adoption. The first step of phase three is to match with an expectant mother. Next, you're going to verify the match opportunity. Finally, the third step is to form a relationship and wait for the birth of the child. I'm going to break each one of these down individually for us to talk about, but I think it's important for you to understand the framework of where we're headed. I have tons of resources for you about matching, but right now, I will focus on these three steps within phase three of self-matching adoptions.

First Step: Matching With an Expectant Mother

Let's talk about the first step within phase three, which has to do with matching with an expectant mother. One of the questions I get all the time in our community over on the Facebook group is how to find expectant mothers to match to. I use the term expectant mother intentionally because they're expecting the child. When you're looking to match with an expectant mother, typically, the places where you're going to find the opportunity to have those conversations when you're self-matching is through social media. Utilizing platforms like Facebook pages, Facebook groups, and Instagram will be important in your journey of finding an expectant mother to match to. Out of all of the social media platforms available, most of my clients have found success with self-matching through Facebook and Facebook groups. 

If you have no idea what to post or share on social media, my advice is to share your life using your adoption profile so that you can try to make a connection. More specifically, you're trying to make a connection through sharing the vision that you have for this child's life. I believe that there is the right match out there for everyone. What makes you the right match is that you share the same vision for this child's life, and you have a deep bond that formed around that. So when you're trying to match with expectant parents, you need to first focus on where you are sharing your profile, how you are creating your profile, and how you are sharing the vision of your life in the life that this child would have inside your family so that you can make that connection. 

Second Step: Verifying The Match

The next step within phase three is verifying the match. Now, this may seem a little strange, and you may be wondering what I mean by verifying the match. This is the process you go through to determine whether or not this is a scam. Scams are the number one reason many hopeful adoptive families choose not to self-match their adoption. Unfortunately, scams are a big part of the self-matching journey, and I hate that it is that way, but there are resources to help you. I have a framework and other videos that teach you how to go through the process of really spotting those red flags. In addition, adopting agencies and consultants will help you ensure that this is a verified match opportunity, which helps remove you from the situation. 

A verified match opportunity means that this person is expecting a child, and the pregnancy has been confirmed through medical records. A verified match opportunity does not guarantee that they will ultimately place this child. That is the inherent risk that hopeful adoptive families assume throughout the adoption process is that until the revocation period, the period in which the expectant family can still change their mind on placement and not place a child until that period is ended. There is no way for you to be sure that expectant families are going to place, and it is still ultimately their right to choose to parent at any point along this journey. So when we talk about a verified match opportunity, we're explicitly talking from a medical perspective and that there is indeed an expectant mother pregnant who is considering adoption. 

When it comes to determining whether or not you feel like this is a verified match, I've got a few tips for you to think about. The first tip is to make sure there is a genuine connection there. That is your goal because, ultimately, you're expanding your family through adoption. Not only are you going to be parenting this child, but this child has biological parents that will be in your life, to some degree, based upon your situation. Without that genuine connection, there can be mistrust, hurt feelings, etc. 

When verifying the match, the second thing you want to look for is that you each share a vision for this child's life. You guys must be congruent on that. Now, are you harmonious with every little detail? No, but at a 50,000-foot or a macro view, you should have the same vision for this child's life. That is ultimately going to help you make sure that you are a good fit for each other. 

Finally, as you verify the match, you need to be verifying that she is pregnant and that there is indeed a child for you to potentially adopt. The best way to verify this is through medical records. During this step, you can consider working with a third party that can help you verify the opportunity. Work with someone like an attorney that can get a copy of the medical records from her doctor's office to confirm the pregnancy. 

Third Step: Form a Relationship and Wait for Birth

The last step of phase three for self-matching adoptions is to form a relationship and wait for the birth. I will say that forming a relationship can be very nerve-racking. A lot of my clients during this stage say that they are incredibly nervous and have nervous excitement about whether or not they will convey the right thing or if she will change her mind. I always coach my clients around being grounded and centered on who you are, the vision you have for this child's life, and creating a genuine connection back with the expectant parent. What's important to keep in mind is that she's just as nervous as you are. I know that may sound a little strange to you, but it's really important to remember this in your interactions with her. 

The next thing that's important to remember is that you are forming a relationship that you intend to keep forever. Therefore, you want to be mindful of the words you're using, the way you're interacting, and the tone/pace that you're setting for the entire relationship. What's important to remember is that you each have your own lives once the baby comes, and you don't want to have a pattern of over-connecting. For example, you wouldn't want to be used to connecting 10-12 times a day, and then when the baby comes in, you are now having to care for the child that you can't connect as frequently. The rule of thumb that I always try to instill in my clients at this moment is to think about the short term and the long term. 

The last piece of advice that I have for this step of forming a relationship is to be mindful of listening and genuinely listening, which can be challenging. It is hard for many people to listen to others without trying to fix a problem or to listen without comparing. Instead, you need to listen with just true intention and nothing more. I know hopeful adoptive families want to make the journey for expectant families so much easier. We seek out resources, counseling, and services to help surround our expectant family and give them the support they deserve on their adoption journey. It's essential when we're engaging that we're listening without trying to fix anything. 

I hope you found this discussion about the third phase of self-matching adoption helpful. Whether you need to keep reading blog posts or are ready to If you're ready to skip to self matching and go all the way forward into your journey, I want to walk you through each individual sub-step and give you all of the pointers that I've had from clients that have self matched as well as my own journey. As always, friend, you are worthy of support in your adoption journey, and I'm here with you every step of the way. 

Hi, I Am Amanda

I am an adoption profile expert on a mission to help you create and share your family's story more affordably!