Adoption Story in Indiana

Adoption in Indiana

Working with an adoption agency doesn't have to be as expensive as you might be fearing. I recently came across a new agency, Tapestry Adoptions, in the state of Indiana. They have a unique perspective where they offer their fees based on your income. There's a sliding scale of fees based on your income, so it makes adoption more affordable for those who are looking for the support of an agency.

They are also an amazing resource for doing your home study for less than $2,000. 

Amanda: Please join me in welcoming Vicky to the show to learn more about her amazing agency. Vicki, thank you so much for being willing to join us today.

Vicki: You are very welcome. I'm very pleased to be here. Thank you.

Amanda: Awesome, I am so excited. You are our first adoption professional from the state of Indiana. And you are our first adoption agency to be on the show. So I'm super excited for you to be here today. Before we dive in and learn more about your agency in your state, I'd love to learn a little bit more about you and your adoption journey.

Vicki: My adoption journey began when I was teaching.I have a background in education. And I am single, never married. And so I got to an age that I decided I really would like to have a family. So I began that process, which also began a process in the foster care system and working for them as well. And here we are 17 years later. And I have a 17-year-old and a 12-year-old, who are biological half-siblings. And that sort of was my foundation. Although I went on to teach for several years before we moved back from New York to Indiana. That was the impetus for me walking into this field and saying, Hey, I have a passion for this, I want to do this differently. I know what it's like to look at these numbers and be afraid. And we need to do something about that. 

Amanda: Yeah, that is amazing. And I can't wait to get into how you do it differently. But before we do that, I'd love to know just a little bit about adoption in Indiana in general, we oftentimes have folks in our community that may be considering adoption for the very first time or maybe a little bit further along. So I'd love to give just an overview so we can meet everyone where they are.

Vicki: So the adoption process in Indiana is what we would consider a friendly one. So we like being here. You're going to want to pick your agency. So you're going to want to have those introduction interviews and ask them a series of questions to make sure that it's the right match for you. But then you're going to begin the home study process. And what some people don't realize is that home study is a license that is your ability to adopt. Another thing that we have to clarify a lot of times is that the home study process for foster care adoption is different than the process for domestic adoption. And so that's a question that we get a lot. Those are two different documents. Another thing in Indiana is that it is illegal to post or pursue adoption without that home study in place. So there's that sort of the beginning foundation that we start with everyone. But then after that, we're going to walk into the application process. And that's a series of background checks. You're going to have criminal background checks, local background checks, physicals, your CPS or Child Protective Services checks, and often a financial background check. Then after you've qualified and you're ready to move forward, we walk you through the actual interview process. And that's a lengthy process of interviewing both online and in person about your background, your history, your family norms, and styles, and your goals for adoption. And then we're going to end up with a series of interviews within your home, to make sure that we have a solid background understanding of your family, and what you're looking for. That document ends up usually being between 10 and 13 pages long and pretty thorough. It can feel like someone's really sort of probing into your past. But it's really to make sure that we're representing you appropriately with the right expectant mom.

Amanda: Yeah, that makes total sense. So during that background check process. Are you also working on the adoption profile? Are you waiting until that's completed?

Vicki: So we don't begin anything until the application processes through because we don't want to charge you for those services. If there's anything that gets flagged in the application process, we want to be fair to you in that process. So that usually is only a two to three-week process to get everything cleared and back and then we're ready to jump right in. We do allow you to go ahead and begin the questionnaires and the preparation of the other documents. But we're not sitting down with you at that point. Again, we don't want to charge you for the home study service if we're stopping after the background process to flag something.

Amanda: Yeah, that makes sense. So once you've completed that what happens next?

Vicki: So after you've received your home study, you have the option to self-match or involve a consultant or agency. At that point, we're going to steer you in the direction that we think is best for you, whether that be with Tapestry or a different type of agency. But that's the point where we may be saying we're stopping our services here. And we'll see you maybe post-adoption, for post-adoption services once placement has been made. And we've done that for hundreds of families. But at that point, the home study process is the primary step to the adoption contracting services step. Once you have contracted with us, it has been approved, then we create the profile. And we do that with an outside marketing company. And once that is created, then you go live on our websites, and you are what we would consider an active or live, contracted member.

Amanda: Okay. And so at that point, then you're hoping to match and so once you match, can you give us a little bit of insight into the process, from the matching process to the finalization process?

Vicki: Absolutely. For matching to finalization, we typically don't match until the second trimester. We try to aim for the mid to second trimester. Once that is begun, we encourage active involvement with that expectant mom. That may include going to doctor's appointments, meeting with her, or meeting with her with a counselor, that sort of thing. The matching process can be a few months or even just a few weeks or a few days, depending on when you match. And so at that point, we're going to start creating the birth plan. Then post placement, we will walk you through that. If a successful placement is made, then we have usually 30 to 60 days for finalization in Indiana. 

Amanda: Okay, that is a great overview. Thank you. So in the state of Indiana, you could self-manage, if that's something you felt called to do. That would mean that you would go out and try to share or you would share your hope to adopt and try to match with an expectant family. Or you can work with an agency to do that. And an agency is going to go out and do that on your behalf. And they're going to have existing relationships with you know, other entities that might be an opportunity for you to adopt from and know that there are different types of agencies, can you talk us through what they are and what type of agency your agency is?

Vicki: We are a small agency by choice. We are also faith-based by choice, which is a great option for some families and not for others. We’re very open about that. Other agencies within Indiana are much more focused on social work. They come from that background, or they're set up with birth-parent experience. We're all all adoptive parents for the most part. And that's sort of a goal we take. So we work a lot with the crisis pregnancy centers within the state. We do a lot of adoption, education, and webinars through that thing. I also am an author in the realm of trauma, so we have a lot of connections with the different area agencies that are working with women who are coming out of domestic abuse, or even trafficking situations. So we have a little bit of a different avenue than some of the larger agencies in our state.

Amanda: That makes sense. And I think that gives you a unique perspective. And I find that in some of those larger agencies, it's easier for you as an adoptive family to become kind of a number. In smaller agencies, you have the opportunity to create a deeper relationship with your social worker throughout the entire process. I find that that serves my clients better than working with them. I have clients that work with agencies that are smaller on the scale of nonprofits, and then some agencies that are a bit larger. I find that they get more communication with those smaller agencies. I find that those clients also feel a little bit more settled in their adoption process. It's a unique perspective on the outside seeing several different families go in different directions.

And I would say that everyone's different, and understanding your personality type and the services that you need. Our policy is that we don't work with more than 25 families at a time. Because we feel like that's the number of families we can work within a one or two year period. We want to be cycling families in and out of that process. We don't want people sitting in line for years in a filing system. I'm the primary contact for a lot of our birth moms in that first step before she moves with our LCSW. And I want to say that I’ve sat at this family’s table. I know their children. I know what their dog’s name is. It’s a very different perspective because adoption at its core is a lot of marketing. When I know a family, I'm much more able to give a mom input and advice on what she's looking for.

Amanda: Yeah, yeah, that's a great explanation. 

Vicki: It is marketing. But there still is that one-to-one human connection. And if you can't correctly articulate who these people are, it's hard for you to represent them. Then to understand who these birth families are and what they're looking for, it makes it hard to connect these people with them. It's a very personal journey. Adoption is so relational and should be relational. There are risks in the process of developing those relationships and being candid and open.

Amanda: Yeah, yeah, it is hard emotionally. People oftentimes ask me, they were why don't start your agency, and I'm like, I just don't know that I have the emotional armor that I would need to, to walk through that journey. So I commend you for doing that.

Vicki: Thank you. Well, I work in trauma work all the time. So I get a double whammy. But you know, I think what happens is that the hard days are really hard. On those days, when a family's leaving the hospital without a baby, that's heart-wrenching. But on those days where you're visiting during post-placement, and that child is there, and you have a birth mom who's walked out of addiction, and you've been able to set them up in a positive housing situation, and she's parenting her other children now. Those rewards are beautiful. But then the lows are hard, too. 

Amanda: Yeah, for sure, for sure. So talk to us a little bit more about your agency, and really what makes you different than some of those other agencies out there. 

Vicki: Sure. Tapestry was started because as a single teacher, I did not have thousands of dollars that I was able to invest in adoption. It just was not possible. And so there was an amount of sticker shock for me. And so when we started Tapestry we sat down with a board and our real goal was that we want to stay true to our faith base and what we believe. We also want to make adoption affordable for families, our rates are income-based. Which is just not done. So we know that people are coming at this with different resources. And so our agency fee is on a sliding scale based on gross income. Well, we're not able to change the prices of you know, expectant mother fees or attorney fees that's outside our scope. But we are a sliding scale fee for the families that contract with us.

Amanda: That is a unique perspective. Thank you for doing that. That's good to know. I oftentimes get questions around, where can I go, you know, and honestly, it creates a situation where a lot of people will default to this idea of well, I have to self-match because I don't have the funds to do this. And, and that's not always a good fit. I caution people all the time. I'm like, don't make a decision solely based on budget. If budget is the perimeter then let's get creative. Are there grants? Are there loans? Are there fundraisers? Are there other ways to meet that need? Because it does take a special and unique type of skill set and emotional armor to work without an agency. Quite frankly, it scares me a lot of times for folks. I'm like, I just don't think that this is a good fit for you. I think we need to be more creative and find you the right partner.

Vicki: I refer to the internet adoption world right now as kind of like the Wild West. It's scary. And it is no longer just women sitting in their household, scamming one family. We have adoption ring scammers that are doing it as an income. And people need to realize that it's not only emotional scamming, it’s financial scamming. And it's just horrible. I don't encourage anyone to do it unless you are very savvy and have thick armor. Because for every real mom that you talk to, you're probably going to talk to nine scammers and that's just heartbreaking. 

Amanda: It is. And people often ask me, will you do this on my behalf? Will you go out and post in these groups or talk with these people? And I'm like, well, first of all, there's a really fine line there of becoming a facilitator. I will help you with your profile. I will teach you you know how to represent yourself to discover the story of your family and tell that through your profile. But I am not going to go out and be the person to post on your behalf or help you sort through whether or not these are actual opportunities. That's the reason why you want to work with an agency because that's their area of expertise. 

Vicki: Absolutely. On the other side of that coin on the internet, we often find that our moms are not taken well care of. And it's not always purposeful. However, there is a need for counseling and a realm of social work skills that need to be provided for these women. That's why they're often in this situation. And when there's a self-match in place and only an attorney comes through, both parties often fall through the gaps on what is needed to create a successful match and process.

Amanda: Yeah. And it can impact your relationship for years to come. Because if you don't process those emotions on both sides of the table, so to speak, as you go through this process, then those are emotions that can serve you for years and years down the road. I had someone recently who came to me who had self-matched their first adoption. They were struggling, and they were looking for resources to create a deeper relationship. And when I started asking questions about what type of counseling services did they have access to, the answer was zero. I think that's a key indicator of symptoms that you're experiencing now in your relationship.

Vicki: Right. And I think another factor that happens is that people will say, Do you ever tell people no on the home study process? I would say that's only happened once or twice. And that's usually because of a criminal flagging. Our goal is to come alongside you and walk with you to partner with you. But we have had several situations where we've said, we'd love to walk with you, but you have not processed your infertility, you have not processed your IVF, you've not processed loss, and you're not going to do well in this process emotionally. Can we stop and work with you here or refer you? Because we don't want them taking those emotions into a relationship with a mom.

Amanda: Yeah, that was something that honestly I wished my social worker in our first adoption had told me. We had gone straight from infertility loss into adoption. Even when our daughter was born we were pursuing an egg donation. And so we were kind of working both paths. I wish that someone in my process had said, wait, you need to stop and pause and process this. Because it was something that uncovering that trauma took a long time. And it wasn't until my daughter was home that I started realizing, Oh, my goodness, like, what have we been through the last seven years? And how all those emotions are in our bodies? And now how am I transferring that energy to her? 

Vicki: Absolutely. There is an aspect of post-IVF for post-adoption trauma as well. And I think some people sometimes think if I'm coming to the adoption table with an agency, that I need to be all rainbows and unicorns. I've always wanted to do this. And I'm so excited. And I always stop that narrative right there and say, I'm glad you're excited. But let's talk about what got you here. Because it generally isn't, this is my first choice. We need to be real and open about those emotions. 

Amanda: Yeah, you're exactly right. You don't need to go into marketing mode, right? You don't need to market yourself to your agency. Your agency needs to be your partner in really helping you process what's coming about and what's coming ahead. Chances are, you haven't done this before. But they have. We need to lean into that expertise, to make sure you're ready for the journey ahead. Because it is a journey, and it doesn't stop. So it's a journey at eight and five. I'm still learning new things every day. So that's wonderful. I'm so excited to learn more about your agency and your process. I think that that is a unique opportunity in the adoption industry to have this sliding scale approach so that you can provide the resources that are needed. So when does it feel like they have to default based on funding only? Can you talk to us a little bit more about the educational resources that you provide to families as they walk through the counseling services and things of that nature? That does I think, make you unique. 

Vicki: Sure. So we have two aspects of adoption education that we do. We like to make it very self-motivated, in that we separate things into categories. So we want you to have adoption training in the realm of adoption trauma, understanding not only your trauma, but that trauma of separation for that infant, or that child if it would be an older child adoption, so that your understanding that simply loving a child is not always enough. So that's our core one. And then core two, we want to talk to you about navigating the process and navigating the journey of adoption. What is it like to speak with an expectant mother, understanding, you know, the grief and loss she's going through and being realistic about open and closed options? What's best for your family, being realistic about that? What does it look like? Then we want to talk to you about very specific things. Transracial adoption is a huge area of need for adoption education, as well as creating a narrative that incorporates the adoption story into your child's life from beginning to end. And so those are our three areas. We offer a series of classes that are online. We have a series of books and podcasts and different things. But within that we're going to gear you towards where we feel some weaknesses may be so that we have some aspects that are required. And then some aspects that are choice-driven depending on your personality and whether you want to listen to Audible or you want to sit down and read a book. But the last part of that journey is we're going to talk to you about grants and fundraising options and different things like that. We probably have about 40% of our families that have pursued very large grants and received grants of over $10,000, which with our sliding fee scale, can pay the bulk of their adoption agency fee with one grant. But people just aren't aware of those choices and resources sometimes. 

Amanda: That is unique. I don't often hear of agencies that are willing to sit down and have that level of connection with the families that they're working with. That's commendable. Thank you for doing that. So earlier, you talked a little bit about how there are only a couple of things that would have kept a family from getting a home study approved. I know that that's something that can sometimes strike a little fear in the hearts of families. Can you share a little bit more about that, just so we can put those fears at ease?

Vicki: Absolutely. I think a lot of times when we go into a home somebody's like: Is it clean enough?  They're looking for the dust bunnies under the sofa. We would like for the home to be tidy. But really what we're looking for is a healthy environment from the social work standpoint. Every family is different. But when we talk about something that would keep you from adopting, those are state-given rules in the Indiana adoption code. They are called unwavering offenses. Typically they are felony-level offenses that include assault with a weapon, murder, and things involving the safety of a child. Those are very specific. If you don't want to go through an agency, you can even look them up on the Indiana State Code. Another issue that could cause us to not be able to work with you would be either undiagnosed or diagnosed mental illness issues that your psychiatrist would not write off and we would feel that this would inhibit your ability to parent.

Amanda: So if you do have mental health diagnoses if your psychiatrist was willing to provide a letter that said that they don't believe that that will prevent you from being a capable parent, then you would still be eligible?

Vicki: Absolutely. So we're looking at the length of the diagnosis. Was it, that I went through severe depression when I was in college too early? That's different than I'm chronically depressed. So we're gonna work with you. What we explain to people is to be very upfront very vulnerable and honest. We will try to work with you while keeping the best interest of the child at heart. We will never be deceptive about that practice. You sign a release of information so that we can speak with your providers if we need to. But we would always tell you that we are doing that and having those conversations.

Amanda: Yeah, that makes sense. 

Vicki: And, I find that most places are willing to have that conversation up front before you even sign on to become a client. I always tell people like find, you know, find a social worker in your area that's licensed to do studies in your state. Ask the question. If they're not willing to have that conversation with you on the phone, I'd back up. Because you need to know in such a large investment. We have a stop after that application process if we see something where we're not able to engage with you as a family. And we say this is not a good match for us. We want to stop at that very small investment before we proceed. And that's really how it should be done. 

Amanda: Yeah, that makes sense. Well, this has been informative. Do you have any other tips for folks who are considering going through the adoption process, or maybe even stories of other families that you've worked with?

Vicki: I would say that the thing that we see over and over again is making sure that you understand that there are two people in the adoption equation or two entities with the birth family and the adoptive family. Make sure that as you navigate the process, you understand that it's not your child until signing those relinquishment papers. That's a very tenuous line to walk because you're creating a nursery, you've created a relationship, you're hopeful, and you make it to the hospital and that adoption may not proceed. We want our families to operate in honor and dignity. At the same time identifying the grave loss. Where we've seen it go wrong is when a family is not in a good emotional space. They haven't navigated that IVF trauma and everything is on I want to take a baby home. What happens in the hospital is they're angry. They want to blame the mom. They want to blame us. They're just volatile. And I don't want to see any family go through that. So I think that understanding of there's so much emotional investment, but understanding the emotional loss and investment of that expectant parent as well and being realistic about that loss. It’s not easy. It takes a very big, emotionally healthy person to navigate that process. So I'll give you a positive. We had a really beautiful situation where the mother had been an active addict and was still really struggling and was very much on board with her adoption plan. We got to the hospital, everything was fine. She gave birth, held the baby just for a few minutes, and wanted the baby to go to the adoptive parent's room. She was there for two and a half days. It had been a C-section. We were all there ready for Mom to sign relinquishment papers, and she just put the pin down. And she said I can't do this. And we're like, it came out of nowhere. I mean, there had been no conversation about that happening. So we put a pause on things. And it was a several-hour process. But that family, obviously was grieving. But they went in and they said we bless you. We don't understand. But we bless you. What can we do to help? And that just spoke to my heart. Now, months later, the mom is mothering beautifully. She has a job. She's pursuing education. She is out of addiction. And she has an ongoing relationship with this family. And you know, she'll touch base with them every couple of weeks and say, hey, you know, here I am, you know, it's now week 42. And I'm doing great. And thank you so much. It's not a close intimate relationship, but it's a positive relationship. They've gone on to adopt, you know, they have another child in their home now. But to me, that's a success story, when we're able to even amid intense grief and loss, just be aboveboard and how we honor people.

Amanda: Yeah, that is great. That is such a beautiful tip. Thank you so much for sharing that. Before we go. I always want to allow any final words, and also where the audience can find and get in touch with you. Do you have anything else you'd like to share with the audience? 

Vicki: Sure. I would just say, meet with your agency ahead of time, and ask questions. Don't be afraid to meet with multiple agencies and see how they're different. Ask the hard questions. That's what we're there for. Everything should be on the table and should be transparent. The little slogan that we use at Tapestry is that adoption is a journey of hope. It should be a hopeful process for you and that expectant parent and dig through and find the agency that is best for you, that gives you the answers, that will partner with you. And that you line up with ethically.

Amanda: That is awesome. That's beautiful. So we will link to your website below. But if someone's looking for an adoption agency in the state of Indiana, or if they live in a different area, can they reach out to you directly? 

Vicki: Absolutely. They can reach out to us directly. We have our website, which is http://www.tapestry-adoption.com/. Our phone is 317-529-7322. We also offer at least one introductory meeting a month, which is an hour-long meeting. That is an overview of all aspects of adoption and what might be best for your family. We welcome anyone to join us on those webinars. 

Amanda: Awesome. That is phenomenal. We'll make sure and link to you in the show notes. So if you're watching this on YouTube, you can just scroll down. And if you're listening to us on the podcast, just click on the picture, and underneath that you'll be able to find all of the information there as well. But thank you so much, Vicki, for joining us today. We appreciate your time and all you're doing for our community.

Vicki: Thank you so much. We're so happy to partner with you and just get to know more of our families that are pursuing adoption in Indiana.

Amanda: Wasn't that a great conversation with Vicki, learning more about the adoption process in the state of Indiana, as well as how you can complete your home study for less than $2,000? Then also how they have an income-based approach to their fees that makes Tapestry Adoptions pretty unique. If you're looking for a bright spot in your adoption journey, then check out my conversation with McKenzie, a client who recently matched in a very short amount of time.