Advice from Birth Mother To Hopeful Adoptive Parents
Advice from Birth Mother To Hopeful Adoptive Parents
In this blog post, we’re going to talk about one of the most overlooked areas that happen to be really important to your self-matching journey. We’re focusing on how to support our expectant parents through the journey. I’m also going to share an amazing resource that will help you in your journey too.
We will be talking with Kim from Birth Moms Today to give us a perspective that hopeful adoptive families don’t think about as often as they could. Our conversation is going to be focused on two areas, one is how you can support someone considering adoption and the other area is how to support your expectant mother even after placement. This is an area I think we as hopeful adoptive families are always wanting to know more about. They want to honor and respect our children’s first families.
Kim has a unique perspective on these topics and does an amazing job supporting and serving our communities to help the first families process their grief about adoption. She really helps them see the beauty and kindes that can come from adoption.
Hi Kim! Welcome to our show. Please share a bit of your background that led you to where you are today.
Amanda, thanks so much for having me today. My journey started many years ago when I was 15 and pregnant. I placed the child up for adoption. Back then adoptions were closed and the process was a lot different than they are today. I may have gotten two pieces of typed paper to choose the adoptive family. There weren’t any photos or videos to choose from, just a piece of typed paper.
I chose a family with another adopted child because I thought it would be nice for my son to grow up with an adopted sister. When he was first born, I gave him a letter that the adoptive couple said they would give him when he was older.
A lot of years went by, and my other children knew they had a sibling because it was something I felt was important not to keep from them. We were all kind of hopeful that one day we would see my son again. When his 18th birthday came went without hearing from him, and then when his 21st birthday came and went too, we started to wonder what would happen. I was still really hoping we would still hear from him.
Then one day, when he was 23 years old, I got this phone call. Someone asked for me by my maiden name. I thought that’s odd; maybe it’s a bill collector. I ignored the call. They called back, and this time I answered, and I said, you have the wrong number. The lady on the other end said, are you Kim Knoweth? Did you place a son for adoption that had blue eyes, and you put him in a beautiful blue outfit before you placed him with the adoptive family?
I dropped the phone. I couldn’t believe it. I was just sobbing. This was probably the first time in 20 something years that I had come back in touch with the situation. Of course, I was excited. You always want to believe that you’re a match. We went through some of the preliminaries of reaching out to each other, and right when we thought; we were pretty sure we were a match, I said my son would know me because I sent a letter to him.
My son responded with the first line to my letter, and then I responded with the next line. It still brings me to tears because it was such a beautiful moment where we just connected and knew for sure we were a match.
That's kind of what started our journey together. We got to know each other & I flew out to California to meet him and his partner at the time, who's now his husband. We just had such a great time talking and getting to know each other. It was like this person I knew but hadn't seen for a long time.
Our relationship continues to grow today. Back then, when we first met, I went online because I wanted to see what resources are out there for women that have placed. To my surprise, a whole lot hadn't changed in all these years.
One of the first things I did was start an online support group. At the first meeting, we had four members. Today there are over 2,000 members and counting. It's a great & safe place for women exclusively that has placed a child to come and share their hearts privately and get the support they need.
I did try doing some local support groups, but I found out that this is a personal issue. Healing takes place more times in private settings.
In addition to the workshop, they also have an online community that they use as a classroom to learn about some issues that women who have placed a child are dealing with today. So I took all that learning and created a workshop called the Post Adoption Journey. It’s a workshop where I help birth mothers after they place to walk through the adoption journey. We go over a lot of the issues that they might deal with.
That's been a really incredible resource that I'm proud of and that is really helping a lot of women out there today.
Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us and so authentically in such great detail. I know that is really touching as a hopeful adoptive parent or as an adoptive parent. I just love to hear that and hear the love and the connection of you rekindling after all of those years. Thank you for serving our community in this way.
You too Amanda. I think there's such a need especially for single moms that have to walk this journey alone. The adoption agencies are busy with a lot of the legalities and the issues that they have to deal with. It's nice that you can come alongside these couples and give them that personal support they need. I think support is so necessary when you're entering into such a complex relationship as the adoption experience.
I think your services are really a great resource for hopeful adoptive families to demonstrate the love and respect they have for their expectant families or their children's first families. Can you share a little bit more about that resource?
Sure, I think it's such a great way that an adopting couple can give back into the life of their child's birth mom in a life-changing way as she has done for them. How she heals is going to affect them (as well as the child) growing up. She doesn't have an outlet where she can release some of her feelings and talk them through.
Lots of times she ends up sharing some of that with a couple and that's really hard to deal with when you're first getting used to taking care of a newborn. And you get busy and sometimes she can be overlooked. One of the things I love about the work that I do is I personalize in each birth mom helping her individually so that she's not alone because this can be a very lonely process and not a whole lot of people really understand the complexities involved.
Yeah, you're right, it really can be a very lonely process. I'd love it if you would take just a minute to give maybe a few tips for those that are just starting their adoption journey from a birth mother's perspective.
Sure. First of all, I'll talk about what are some things are that you can do to support an expectant mom before the adoption even takes place. The biggest one would probably be to educate yourself, read different resources, learn things from all the sides of the triad, read stories from the adoptees & from other birth parents & adoptive couples.
Today we have a lot more voices and many more voices are sharing their stories. We didn't have that in the past because there really wasn't a platform for people to share what's worked for them. Couples can avoid some of those very same struggles that other people had to learn along the way.
Yeah, I completely agree. That's, honestly, the entire reason why I started this. I made several horrible mistakes at the start of my journey. That's what led me here was just to share that with others so that they didn't have to repeat the same mistakes. Do you have any additional tips?
Yes, another tip would be to let the expectant family initiate contact. I think it's not only really important you make yourself available but that you also give her the time that she needs to process all this. She might come to you with some questions and that's something too if you're self-matching.
You're going to be the liaison between you and the communication with the expectant family. Even if you're working with an agency, it's important to find out how do they handle that process and can you give them a contact point, so that once they do make a connection with an expected mom that seems interested, she has a way to reach out to you and get some of the answers to things that might be a little bit deeper than you just have highlighted in your information in your profile book or another resource.
Many self-matching couples talk about how having that one-to-one connection is so important to them. I know that that's not necessarily comfortable for everyone, but some expectant moms want a buffer. I do think that having just an open and honest heart about the conversation is essential.
I think you should also not worry if you don't hear back from her. Don't get all upset and stressed out and think she's just not interested in you. She might just be processing stuff, and life is happening to her, and she has an overwhelming decision to navigate. There's a whole lot of other things going on at the same time. Try not to get too stressed out if you don't hear back and just leave a way that she knows she can reach you so that when she does have some follow-up questions or wants to reach out to you, she knows exactly where she can do that.
I know it's the waiting period is hard. As a hopeful adoptive family, you get so excited because you're having a conversation, but you don't realize that she's dealing with a lot of emotions and life on the other side of the table. That is a difficult balance. If you come at it from a place of letting her lead the conversation, it's naturally going to flow a little bit more easily and organically.
That's the way it is in most relationships, especially new ones, you know, you get to know some preliminaries, and then you spend the time digging deeper and finding out more truths about each other. Another really important tip is communication.
We may have an idea of what something looks like, which may be very different from the expectant family's idea. I think (especially in the adoption relationship) it's so important to communicate early on your plans and desires and even further ask what that looks like in every day now and even further down the line?
Sometimes asking her what's essential for her to that you uphold in the life of the child. She may need time to think about that. That's a pretty loaded question, but it's an important one. That's one where you might want to spend some time thinking through what this relationship looks like to you every day and down the line.
I think how you represent yourself matters. If you say you're all about ethics, you must align yourself with resources and agencies that feel the same way as you do. Otherwise, there's going to be an actual conflict of interest when it comes down to actually living out some of the things that desire to be part of that relationship.
I think supporting and having support services lined up for the expectant mom is the fundamentals of a proper adoption. You need to each have your legal representation & have your support systems. Those things are the unspoken way to communicate respect and love and support throughout the journey.
That's so true. And my last tip or my last point is that before the adoption, support really matters. Sometimes we get so involved in the necessary things that we have to do, like the home study, and the paperwork, and all of that process, that we forget how much we would benefit just from someone walking alongside us and encouraging us and checking in on our emotional well being.
That's a really important component and that's why I love that you do that on the side of the hopeful parents. You give that outlet for them to be able to discuss some of the stuff that doesn't always have the time to be discussed when you're going through the important details of the actual adoption.
Even for the expectant mom, she needs a place that she can feel comfortable to share, especially if she's considering parenting. That's something that she might not be as apt to share with the agency.
Having walked through that in a couple of different ways in my own journey is what led me to want to help others to self match. I think when you have that one-to-one relationship, you can pick up on those clues as long as you're open to it, versus having the intermediary of the agency.
In my case, when we disrupted at seven days, she was obviously considering parenting. I just wish that that had been something that the agency had really picked up on and shared with me openly and honestly from a hopeful adoptive parents’ side. I completely agree with you that her choosing to parent is her right and the best thing in the interest of the child. But that doesn't mean that there aren't other opportunities where her choosing the parent doesn't mean that it's not a great thing, right? If she wants to place obviously that’s amazing as well.
It's just such a difficult and tricky situation that you do have to really be open and honest and make peace with the right opportunity that will come along, I often talk about this concept of the ideal expectant mother, and people are gonna kind of look at me a little funny. They're like, what do you mean. I'm like, it's not an ideal situation if you're not a good fit and you can't provide what she's looking for. If she really doesn't want to place and you're not the right fit for her, then don't push it..
That makes me think how you tell your story matters. Right now there are so many couples adopting and there are not as many women placing. In order for her to find you, you need to tell your story in a way that she can pick up on those clues. Many times an expectant mom will place with a family who has certain qualities that are close to what she or the birth father have represented in their life.
Your story and how you tell your story really is a critical step in your overall journey. I know that was the key for us and matching so quickly each time and that's the reason why I feel so called into this work and helping others I mean, I've worked in marketing for well over 20 years, but storytelling in an authentic way is what's really going to make that connection because to your point she needs to be able to see the life that she wants for this child in the life that you live each and every day.
Being able to tell that is essential. Doing it through different profile vehicles like Instagram, Facebook your profile book, and your support really matters prior to the adoption, website really begins to make that complete package where she can get to know you on an easier level without a little bit more of that emotion involved until she's ready to have that initial conversation with you.
That's so true. Sometimes couples feel like they're too feel icky about marketing. It's not marketing; it’s really giving clues. Without the clues, she can't find you. I think it's all in how we approach it and tell our story in one of the most effective ways possible.
Do you have any tips for people that have already placed on how and adopted and how they can support their children's first families?
Absolutely. One of the best tips is to educate yourself. Now that you have adopted learn more about open adoptions. Find out what things have been working for people in these relationships. Stay current. There are lots of new resources being created as people learn and have more awareness. It's okay to make mistakes or to feel silly.
Sometimes it's hard to reach out to people especially, being educated around the customs and traditions of your child you adopted is important. It's not enough just to learn and know about them. You need to expose yourself and the child to people representing that culture.
One of the most important ways to learn is by being around those who share our same heritage. If you can't be part of the child's family, you can still reach out to other people who share the same culture and the same heritage, and the child will benefit significantly from that exposure.
That's great. And I think that's a great way to honor the child's first family. That's amazing.
Absolutely. The second tip would be to set up boundaries early. One of the most comforting things that you can do for your child's birth mom is to help her know what she can expect ahead of time so that she's not anxious and stressed out, wondering if she's ever going to hear from you again.
It's hard sometimes to think down the line but spend some time getting to know what works for you & think about how you react in specific scenarios and how you can share things over schedule-wise.
If you know that it's going to be hard for you to remember to do certain things, set up a plan so that you know that you know, it's on the second Saturday of every month you're going to send out an update or talk ahead of time like you should be doing before you even match. Think about what the relationship is going to look like so that if there are things you want to include like visiting, you have some sort of a structure planned ahead of time, and she's not just anxious & worrying if she's ever going to hear from you again. It's important to know what to expect before you know you even start incorporating a schedule.
That's a great tip, but it's something that's becoming more and more prevalent, especially in self-matching.
I think it's essential to have a contact point that she can always reach out to you. Life happens & sometimes expectant families are going through their trials sometimes they move a lot, and it's nice for them to know that you know if they are moving and they miss an update that they can always reach out to you and know-how that they can get in touch with you and the child.
Yes. In our particular case, we have a specific phone number only that they have. So that way, I know that if I ever get a phone call through that Google Voice number, I know that it's only them. Each of my son and daughter's birth mothers also have an email address, and only those two women in the entire world have that email address. That way, I know no matter where they are in the world, or where we are in the world, we have a way that we can quickly get in contact with each other super fast.
I think that's so important. You do ease her anxiety and remind her of the beauty of why she chose you. When you do send photos and updates, you've allowed her to see that baby that growing up and that it is being loved and cared for every day. That's a healing tool for a birth mother.
I particularly find comfort in that whenever I met our birth mothers, I asked them why they picked us and wrote down the answer.
That way, I can make an intentional point to reflect that back in the communication I share with her so that she still feels continually grounded in the choice that she made being authentic to life.
Another way you can support an expectant mom is, to tell the truth in love to the child about the expected or the birth family after the adoption takes place. The truth isn't always pretty. If you're in a great location in their life include them. If they're struggling, be patient, and recognize that they're going to grow over time as well. Sometimes, you don't know a whole lot about the birth family, and that's okay, too.
Just be willing, as your child asks questions and as they share things, to let them know that this isn't a topic that you're uncomfortable talking about.
I think that is tremendous. From an adoptive parent’s side. When they do get older and start having more questions, it's always been something honest and open that we've shared in our family. As they've had more questions, I just always want to err on the side of love and respect whenever I don't have the answer to those questions. If the honest answer is, I'm not sure we'll have to ask her, then just that period, full stop with no judgment attached, to me, is the best way you can honor the child's first family.
It's not easy and can be overwhelming. Another important tip is to stay committed.
It's going to be hard and that's why support is needed. Like we mentioned before, you might be the only one holding the line at times, but your child needs you to remember that it's important to remember that this is a lifelong thing, and you're going to be learning things as you go.
You can dream with your child and give them a narrative so that they don't have to fantasize about a narrative. If they ask you if my birth father was athletic or musical, you can simply say, I wonder that too, or say, I bet so because you're pretty talented. Little answers like that mean so much because they show that you're willing to put your ego aside.
Can you provide outlets for everyone involved? You know, just a simple thing like a journal gives a child a safe place to record their thoughts and feelings. Also, recognize that you need support & you're going to need a place to go to balance some of the new things that come up in the relationship. It can be overwhelming because just being a parent is tiring. So having support and coaching along the way for yourself is very important throughout the whole process.
You also need to have an outlet for the child, like play therapy, to help your child.
As adoptive families, we often focus on the end of the road being finalization, but I would argue that it's just the beginning of the road,
Exactly. It's because if you're not working at it, and you're not doing the things that are necessary for an excellent relationship to grow. If you're working hard at it, then it's going to turn into a beautiful place where everybody knows that they're supported & that it's a safe place to be. Nobody knows exactly how this is supposed to go until you get in there and you start doing the necessary work.
Every journey is so different, and that's why you must surround yourself with resources from the beginning to the end of the journey. I'd love for you to share a little bit more with our community about how they can find you and work with you and learn more about your services.
One of the ways that I work specifically with birth moms is through coaching. We have calls where we talk a bit of their adoption story; you’re able to share some of the struggles you’re going through. Then the post-adoption journey is an online course that I created that deals with many issues that a birth mother is going to face post-adoption, like having to balance watching another couple raise their child and the natural jealousy that will arise there. Many times birth mother can be very focused on some of the pain that she experienced during the pregnancy and childbirth that she forgets other parts of the story. And we kind of look back and remember the whole beautiful story so that she has, the story to share with the child as they grow it so that they can know they weren't just adopted, but they were born and they were loved as well.
Grief is a very important part of the adoption journey. A natural response to loss is grief, even in a good adoption. So in the post-adoption journey, there's a course on grief and how to see the hidden messages there. We talked a bit about relationship, there's going to be relationships on the journey that a birth mother encounters and she needs to know how to best represent herself in the story.
Communication is so hard today, especially as we have so much technology to take the place of real one on one conversations. A lot of my workshops help her to be able to communicate with the adoptive family to be able to share how she's feeling, & to be able to show up in an emotionally healthy way for the child because this whole journey is really about what's best for the child.
That requires that us adults rise up, put our ego aside and do what is best for the child and that's not always easy. Sometimes that's really hard and we need training and support. So the post-adoption journey is where she can come and get that support. Some adoption agencies are including this program as a regular part of their adoption care, which I love and other adoptive couples are reaching out and they're paying for the memberships so that their birth mothers can go through the course.
Wow, that is so amazing. I think you touched on two things that I want to make sure the audience here is really clear. Sometimes the support is included with agency services, and sometimes it's not. When you're self-managing, this type of support is definitely on the overlook this part of it.
Sometimes adoption agencies do have support, but it's not always easy for the birth mom to go back to the place where she experienced some of the trauma around the adoption. Sometimes they feel the services that they have are good support (and they are), but I think we need more than that. A birth mother is not always ready to heal on the first Thursday of the month, just because the meeting is being held. This journey is done daily. You don't know when the triggers are going to occur and bring you back there. That's why it's important that there is an ongoing type of support that is personalized just for her.
Yeah, I love that. Where can our audience go to learn more about you?
They can reach out to Birth Moms Today, my website and I'm also on Facebook. I also meet with couples when they need help communicating with the expectant mom or the birth mother to help them navigate and know some of the ways that they can best support her.
That's amazing. And I think you told me you have a little special gift for those that want to come and learn more about your services. Can you tell us more about that?
Sure, I created a resource to help you know couples that are considering adoption parents that are thinking about adopting to be able to know how they can support their child's expectant mom or birth mom, both before and after the adoption. I'll have a resource that they can pick up and get a little bit more of an in-depth detail of some of the things we're talking about here today. LINK LINK LINK
Thank you, Kim. That is phenomenal. And as always, thank you.
Thanks so much. I think that what you're doing is extremely valuable too because sometimes the adoptive couple even can be overlooked because everybody is focused on the child and the birth parents. I think to be a good parent, you need support.
Friend, I hope you found a tremendous amount of value in the conversation with Kim today. I really do hope that you'll take her offer of the free ebook up and go check out the link LINK LINK LINK so that you can learn more about her services and about really how you can support and respect your children's first families. If you're wanting to learn more about self-matching your adoption, make sure to check out the other resources we have for you on the My Adoption Coach Website. Remember, anything's possible but the right plan and support and I've always got your back every step of the way. You can do it friend and I'll see you soon
Hi, I Am Amanda
I help women build their families through adoption by giving them the step by step guide to adopt a child and support them on their journey
