How To Adopt A Baby With A Private Agency
When you adopt with a private agency, they are guiding you through the entire process and are working on your behalf to find an expectant mother that would be a good match for your family.
They have a list of expectant mothers that have come to them through referrals, advertising, or because they've worked with them in the past.
The main difference between adopting with an agency versus adopting with an attorney would be the reach of the number of expectant mothers that they're actively matching with. Most agencies advertise and attorneys do not which makes agencies have more opportunities to match.
Stats about adopting with a private agency (according to AdoptiveFamilies.com):
Average Cost: $41,000
60% of families will be matched within a year (typically)
20% of those families will be placed within two years
This does vary dramatically based upon the number of expectant parents that an adoption agency has to match you with.
This is going to be something that's highly specific to your individual situation. These days, most private agency adoptions are requiring what's called a semi-open adoption.
A semi-open adoption means you're going to communicate through the agency, if not through some other type of anonymous media.
The typical forms of communication are through email or a Google Voice phone number.
Some agencies (or expectant mothers) also may also want a fully open adoption.
When it’s a fully open adoption, you can expect to have visits and/or friend them on social media (Facebook or Instagram). This will also be a way for you to be able to share photos and communicate updates.
10 Steps to Adopting with a Private Agency
1. Agency Interview
This first step in adopting with a private agency is the agency interview. During this step, you would have a conference call or an in-person meeting with an agency to get a better understanding of the overall process and requirements.
The objective of this meeting should be to determine if the agency is a good fit for your particular needs and desires from the adoption process.
During this meeting, I would ask them about
their success rates
how quickly they match
the average wait time
the cost
what their general process is
how they communicate with you during each phase of the matching process
the setup process
Understanding how they communicate is really important (even more important than the cost to me).
I wanted to know what was going on at each step of the process and the thought of going months without hearing from them just panicked me.
I wanted to have a very good clear understanding of things like
Are you going to email me whenever my profile has been sent?
Are you going to ask me if there are profiles that are maybe a little bit outside of either my budget or my specifications of what I feel equipped to parent?
I wanted to be super close in contact with them. It was also super important to me to understand what happens if the adoption is disrupted. I know that the term disrupted adoption or failed adoption can be polarizing in the adoption community, but I do not mean any disrespect to anyone.
It depends upon your point of view in the adoption triad as to how you feel about that particular term. The intent of what I'm trying to talk about here is if the adoption does not finalize, what happens to your investment? Because obviously, you've got a lot of emotional & financial investment.
Taking the time on the agency interview process is really important. Don't rush to the step because you're anxious to get started and you see every day as another day further away from bringing home your baby.
Take the time to really think through this and make sure it feels like a good fit. If you have any questions on this stuff, feel free to reach out anytime. It is just so incredibly important.
2. Paperwork
Each agency will have what I call a mountain of paperwork for you to complete.
This typically involves
previous years tax returns
medical statements from doctors
reference letters for friends
family questionnaires on what type of adoption opportunities you're open to pre-adoption
contact preferences
post finalization contact preferences
The list will still depend upon each individual agency, but they should be able to give you a step-by-step checklist of what you need to complete.
3. Home Study
The next step is really important and it is the home study phase. During this phase, you'll be paired with a social worker in your state that will physically come to your home to inspect that it is safe enough for a baby.
While it may sound completely absurd, that you need to ensure that your home is even childproof at this stage, it is important from a home study perspective.
Typically you don't have to go as far as having a complete nursery set up. But you need to have plans on where you're going to place a nursery and be able to talk the social worker through your plans. The private agency will have a really detailed checklist you must adhere to and it's important that you complete that list perfectly in order to be improved.
Typically, the home study visit will include an interview. You can expect them to ask you questions about how you intend to parent the child, how you intend to care for a child on a daily basis, and your family history growing up.
They will ask several background-type questions they feel necessary to know. It is important that they create an overview of what life would be like in your home. If this is the stage you're at right now, feel free to reach out to me at any time via the free Facebook group. I'm happy to help answer any questions you have so that you can get prepared for this important step.
4. Profile Building
The fourth step is profile building. During this phase, you'll be asked to create a profile of your family that can be shown to potential birth families to help them get to know you better.
This phase is really critical, as it helps the birth families narrow down their options and ultimately pick a family to match with.
It is so important that saying that this is a really critical step I think is quite an understatement.
If you need extra help with this phase, you can fill out the form below to get more information about the Adoption Profile Masterclass. If it’s not open for enrollment at the time you click the link, you can sign up for the waitlist to be notified when it opens again.
5. Matching
After you complete your adoption profile, you’re ready to be matched which is step number five. Once your profile is ready to be shared with birth families, you're considered to be a live family.
A live family means you can take placement of a child at any time.
Typically, the agency will call you and go over each opportunity with you. You'll get a review of their medical situation, the communication preferences of the birth family, and the financial requirements that need to be met for each opportunity. Once you agree to these requirements, you will typically be put into contact with the birth family.
It is so critically important that at this stage that you take a breath and ask all the questions in your mind and heart.
It’s also equally important that you and your partner consult and make sure you both feel equipped to move forward. The instinct is going to be just to go for it right? You're so excited, they've picked you, you're ready, you're tired of waiting.
This is the moment that is so critically important.
You want to make sure that your goals and the expectant family's goals are in alignment. If they're not, this is one area that can quickly lead to disruption. If you don't sort through the misalignments upfront, placing a child is incredibly stressful for an unexpected family.
Having a match disrupt because the adoptive families change their minds after they matched is really, really hard. So take the moment, do your due diligence and ensure that you feel equipped to parent before you say yes to an opportunity.
6. Pre-Birth Communication
The next step is pre-birth communication. Depending on the timeline of your adoption, this phase may or may not happen because you may get chosen after the baby's already born or it may be something that the expected family doesn't want to do.
It all comes down to the communication preferences of the birth family that you agreed to in the previous phases. However, if you do get the opportunity to get to know the birth family, this is a truly special time and I really encourage you to cherish it.
Take detailed notes of your conversation. You can use these details to be able to fill in for your child as they grow and ask questions.
While you don't want it to seem like you're interviewing them, it is important to ask things that you would like to be able to share with your child to paint a picture of what their birth family was like. You want to know what it was like when they were growing up.
Of course, you want to know all the hopes and dreams that they have for this child, and (a little bit messier of a topic) you want to understand why they are making this decision.
You want to be able to fill in the little details.
What do they love?
What are some of the personality traits that make them the amazing person they are today?
You have to be careful not to dig too much, but this might be the only opportunity you have for communication. Be sure to ask all the questions that you think your child might want to know as they grow.
7. Hospital Time
The seventh step is the hospital time phase. As with most things in the adoption process, this step will vary dramatically based upon each opportunity. However, if you get the opportunity to be there for the birth, it is simply amazing. Having been there twice out of my three adoption opportunities. It is a moment that I simply remember to this day.
Let me also prepare you that you're most likely not going to get the opportunity to be in the room for the birth. I know that this may be hard for some of us that had been on an infertility journey.
You really want to respect the privacy of the expectant family through this difficult time. This is something that you really want to make sure you get super clear on during the either matching phase or the pre-birth communication phase.
You'll get a little bit more insight when the agency presents the family to you, but they likely won't have all the details worked out. It may be something that you have to determine as you go through the pre-birth communication base.
What's important to remember about the hospital phase is that emotions are running on high for both sides (as well as the hospital staff). The hospital will always err on the side of the birth family because legally that is who is in charge of this child until finalization occurs.
Ensuring that you adhere to any agreements that were in place before the hospital phase is critical to ensure that the placement continues to run smoothly. Be in communication regularly with your agency about what's going on and any questions you have while you're physically in the hospital is really important.
They will help be the go-between with you and the expected family so that you can give them space and grace and respect that's really needed at this stage. While this is a very joyous moment for your family, it can be rather sad for the expectant family.
Communicating with honesty, respect, and love is incredibly important during this phase. One other important tip for you is before you go to the hospital (if you know what hospital you're going to be delivering at) I would really recommend that you call the hospital social worker before you just show up.
The agency will likely be calling them as well, but I always think it's important to have a good personal relationship with the hospital social worker. They'll help pave the way with the nursing staff so that they know what's happening whenever you do show up for hospital time.
The hospital social worker will
assist you in getting a room to wait for the baby to be born
have open communication with the nurses and told them that you’re coming
tell everyone it’s an adoption
share your communication preferences
share the communication preferences of your expectant family
make the process run more smoothly
The other tip I would share as well is that you're an extra burden to these nurses. Most nurses will have the mindset of they're thankful that a family is adopting this child and this child is not going into foster care.
They'll want to go out of their way to help you, but the reality is, you're an extra set of people to be responsible for. You want to be thankful and appreciative.
You want to share small gifts and joyous moments with these nurses because you're an extra burden. So just take a minute to be kind to them a little extra kind to really show your gratitude for how they're supporting your adoption journey in the last mile.
8. ICPC
ICPC stands for Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children. This only applies to you If you’re adopting a child that was born in a different state than the state you live in, this will apply to you. It can be a nerve-wracking step.
Each state has a different set of rules to be followed during this time. You cannot leave the state that your child was born in to return to your home state until after you clear ICPC.
When you're adopting with an agency, they will handle all of the paperwork for this, but it’s important that you understand what it means.
ICPC is an agreement between the states to take responsibility for you adhering to the birth state’s guidelines for adopting the child. You can't leave the state that they were born in until your home state or your adopting state takes responsibility for finalizing the adoption.
The benefit of working with an agency is they're going to handle the paperwork side of this because, at this point, you're caring for an infant. It is important that you prepare ahead. If you have to adhere to ICPC, you should have a game plan as it relates to where you're going to wait out your ICPC time and make sure you are very clear about how you can care for an infant in that environment.
If you're there for two days or longer, having a plan of where you're going to make bottles, wash bottles, wash clothes, where they're going to sleep, and where you're going to change diapers is really important.
If you're first-time parents, don't overpack. I would plan to have a couple of outfits, bottles, diapers, and wipes to get you started. Once you're there, you can always purchase anything else you need.
In our particular case, we had the opportunity to drive to the hospital, which was really a lifesaver. We chose to wait it out in an Airbnb that had a full kitchen, a laundry room, and multiple bedrooms. That way one parent could be sleeping while the other parent was caring for the child during shifts.
I would encourage you to reach out wherever you're planning to stay and tell them what you're there for. In our case, they gave us 75% off their weekly rate, because it was the offseason (for that particular vacation town), and they were really supportive of adoption. They had a friend that had adopted and understood how expensive it was.
We chose to go to the closest major city that was near the state line, to get us back home. That was the area that I researched quite literally in the vehicle driving to the hospital to pick her up, found a few options, and explained what the situation was.
I've also heard of other families doing things ahead of time, like using credit cards that have hotel points for everyday purchases, paying it off at the end of the month to get the hotel points. Other families chose to stay at an extended stay hotel that has a mini kitchen and laundry access.
My advice to you would be to think ahead about how & where you're going to care for the child while you’re waiting out the ICPC period and what you need for them. Because ICPC can take a hot minute to complete and you just don't really know how long it's going to take.
You want to be prepared that way you are comfortable as a family as you're bonding in those first few days after birth.
9. Finalization
After ICPC is complete, you can take your baby home and start the finalization stage. This step typically happens with about one to two more visits or phone conversations from your social worker to ensure that everyone is adjusting well to their new environment and routine.
These visits will also conclude the final home inspections. It is important to note that you don't have to have a nursery fully set up, but oftentimes a social worker will require to see where the child is sleeping and that they have a bed of their own.
Some social workers do not believe in co-sleeping, so if you are practicing co-sleeping, err on the side of being safe and just simply talk about their bed and where they sleep and leave it at that.
This is not to get controversial at all but to not encouraging you to lie by any means, but encouraging you to know your social worker and their requirements.
Most of the time, as long as they have a bassinet and a room that they'll be living in full time, this will allow you to pass this stage. It is really important that you verify with your social worker ahead of their visit. If there's anything in particular you need to be watching out for or making sure it’s accomplished.
That way you don't have any hiccups and that final report. Once the final reports are submitted by your social worker, you can proceed to the legal finalization or court day, which is step number 10.
10. Court Day
This is the day where everything becomes legal. Everything is completely finished after this day. Depending on the situation, this could be done in person or over the phone. Most of the time you are finalizing in the birth state.
Which state you’re finalizing is an important question to ask in the matching phase. This will determine the court day.
You don't want to be surprised about any requirements that pop up along the way or that change, because you thought you were finalizing in your home state and they thought you were finalized in the first state.
Don't be surprised if this step seems to fly by in the moment because you're one of many court cases that this judge is processing that day. Both times we adopted, it took less than 30 minutes.
It was important to me to celebrate the moment. I took photos with a professional photographer and we had a little celebration planned as a family to make everyone officially a member of our family.
This is something that you will look back on for years to come. When I was struggling and in the adoption process, this is a day that I would manifest for myself.
I would think about it in great detail, I would think about the emotions, I think about what I'm wearing, where we are, and what we're doing.
Then I would think about how we would celebrate this with a child in the future and come up with a list of all of those other things that I might want to do on the official court day.
I know it may seem a little woo-woo to manifest, but I promise if you do this during your adoption process, it will give you the strength to make it through the darkest hours.
We've talked about all the steps to adopt a baby with a private agency. I know there was a lot of content there, and it maybe was a little overwhelming.
Don’t forget to get your free step-by-step guide to adopting with a private agency by clicking the button below.
Adoption can be so overwhelming and scary, but it just doesn't have to be that way. Jump into the My Adoption Coach Group on Facebook, so that we can support you in your journey. Remember, anything is possible with a plan and support. You can do this and I've totally got your back.
Hi, I Am Amanda
I help women build their families through adoption by giving them the step by step guide to adopt a child and support them on their journey
