Private Adoption Story: Adoption in Alaska
Private Adoption Story: Adoption in Alaska
If you're waiting to adopt a baby or just starting your adoption journey, learning from someone else who's gone before you can be incredibly helpful and powerful, it can help you avoid common roadblocks that happen in the adoption journey. In this blog, we are talking with Amanda. She and her husband recently brought their daughter home to Alaska, where they live, through private adoption.
Amanda (My Adoption Coach): Amanda and I met a few years ago when I first started my adoption blog. She was asking me questions as it related to self-matching her adoption. We formed a great friendship around the commonality of our names, and we just checked in with each other every so often. I encouraged her throughout her adoption journey. I was so elated when she shared with me a couple of months ago that they had finally brought home their daughter through private adoption. So, I cannot wait to share her story with you today. Thank you so much for being willing to share your story with us, Amanda. So, Amanda, if you wouldn't mind just starting at the beginning, what type of matching did you use, and then ultimately, just share a little bit more about your journey with us, please?
The Beginning of Amanda’s Adoption Journey
Amanda S.: After our last son was born, I could no longer carry. We had always talked about adoption and/or fostering. About five years ago, we started researching, as I knew nothing about adoption. I didn't know where to start. So, I went on Google and typed in agencies. I didn't know anything about self-matching. I didn't know what independent adoption was or what an adoption consultant was. So, I just went out there, and the adoption agency we found stood out most to us at the time. It wasn't just about the money for us. We just wanted to understand and be basically told the truth. You know, what we liked about them is their marketing technique; they use God at the forefront. We want to bless people, we believe that God brings this and that and, you know, as Christians, that stuck out to us, and we're like, this must be a legitimate, reputable business that wants to help families grow. And another thing that stuck out to us was the majority of the agencies I did read about and research after a year or two of being with them having a contract, you have to give them more money to add more time onto your contracts. And I was like, well, that's kind of what if we don't use that time, then we have to give more money. So, we went with this one company, and everything from the beginning was very Christian based and it was just very odd; the breakdown. And I know not everybody is gender specific, but we were. We have three boys together. My husband has an older daughter. I just wanted a little girl. I didn't care what nationality or race because we are a blended mixed family. I just wanted a little girl to raise, and it just was weird in the paperwork. How we're being told, if you want a caucasian female, it's going to be 10,000 more. Or, if you want a female, it's going to be this amount more, and I was like, that's just weird. But we basically already signed all this paperwork and sent them a large amount of money. So, we were in the pool, right?
I joined all these Facebook adoption pages because I wanted to educate myself. But that's where you and I met, were the Facebook pages. And I've actually made quite a few friends on there. I learned about independent self-matching and things like that. And I was like, wow, okay, I wish I had known this before. The first time we didn't get matched for a year, it was very frustrating because they would give us our once-a-month phone call and say, you've had this many views on your profile this month. And we've sent your profile this many birthmothers. At that time, I didn't know the questions I should be asking. I was so excited and ready for this journey to start that I basically just took what they said as gospel, you know, and a lovely lady that I would talk to every month, kind of like a, like a grandma figure lady, very sweet. But after a while, I'm thinking cheese, you know, she tells us every month how awesome we are and how great our profile is, but no bites. And when you sign up, they say you'll be matched within six to 18 months. You know, I was like, those are good odds. So, is it because we live in Alaska? Because a lot of people think we live in igloos, and we don't. Are there polar bears in our yard? There's not, you know, we live in a city. Is it because we already have children? You know, I just didn't know, and I started feeling like what is wrong with me? What is wrong with us? And I beat myself up a lot.
We got matched that next September with a birth mother, and it was her sixth child, and she didn't have custody of any of the others. She was due around Christmas time that year, and I got a phone call on December 12th, where she decided she was going to keep the baby about a week before her giving birth. We had all these plans, and it broke me, and they don't prepare you for these situations. Like, I had no clue what disruption was. The birth mother’s expenses were pretty high for her. And they basically tell you, when this happens, well, you know, you don't get any of this money back. It's kind of like a gamble. And I understand I get it. So, that really set the family and me into a downward sadness and depression that next year, and then we got matched that next summer again. About a week before giving birth, she changed her mind. And I'm just like, what is happening here? You know, like, I don't understand. And then I started putting our profile out there on Facebook, and I did the steps you sent me. I got a lot of scammers, you know, because they're out there, and some people were maybe serious, I don't know. I was on other websites, like Adopt Match, and I put our profile out there, and I was just sharing it everywhere. We had a fundraiser and everything, and we were ready for our baby. We had everything we needed for her, and we were ready to go. My middle son said one day, "Mommy, I just think God forgot about our family". And that just really hit me in the heart, and it was very sad. After that, my husband and I decided we weren't going to tell the boys if we did get matched again because it just really rip their hearts out the last two times. So, and then another thing people would always ask about, oh, so have you matched again, and would talk about God's timing, and I'm like, you know, we're believers, we love the Lord, and we know it's in God's timing. But it doesn't make it any easier on us, right? Not talking dollar numbers, we're already like, invested with this company, you know, to the point where it would be foolish to cancel whatever contract we have with them and go somewhere else.
I was looking at other consultants and my friend over here, they've only been active two weeks, and they have a baby. I'm like, maybe we should go with these people and my husband's like, no, it's gonna happen. But I wanted it to happen now. So, I continued to get the phone calls every month, these are your numbers, and I would get on my phone, and I'd go to the website and log in. And, wow, we had 250 views on our profile this month or 150 views. I'm like, I don't understand, you know, why is this not happening for us? You know, not like saying we're so awesome, but I love my children, and we're a good family. I just don't understand. I would just bawl my eyes out at church every Sunday because I would hold it in all week, the music would just pull it out of me. And my husband likes to fix things. You know, like any man does. And he finally was like, I can't fix this, like, I can't help my wife feel better. So, he called our adoption liaison, who would make my monthly phone calls. He called her, and he's like, what's the deal? Are we being scammed by you guys? What's going on? Yeah. You know, why is this not happening for us, and they fed him a song and dance and made him feel better. And after a while, I just didn't want the phone calls anymore. Yeah, I wanted to avoid hearing about these numbers. I didn't want to be asked how I was doing. I just didn't want to talk to them anymore. But you know, I took the calls. And it got to the point where I was not as polite on the phone as I probably should have been with them, and I was over it because it had been almost four years.
Then we got matched again this past April 2022. She was down in California and went into labor, so we flew out. We were checking into the hotel across the street from the hospital. I could see the hospital, and I get a phone call. She changed her mind. I kept it together until we got to the hotel room, and then I lost it. I was inconsolable and uncontrollably crying. I'm just like, I cannot do this anymore. We didn't tell the boys where we were going. We just said we had to go on a business trip. I just couldn't let them have that heartbreak again. We couldn't get a flight back home for a couple of days, so we visited LA. Our agency was in the Anaheim area, and my husband said, we're going to the office tomorrow to see them. I want to ensure this is a legit company, and they need to see our faces to know we're serious. He's like, don't call, and don't let them know. We're just going to show up. So, I looked at the address, and we showed up, and walked in, and we're like, "hey, were the S family". And they were like, what are you doing here? My husband says, our adoption just got disrupted again, for the third time. We're in the area, and we wanted to pop in and put a face to the name and introduce ourselves. They just acted as if nobody had ever done that before. My husband wanted to make sure there was a legitimate office and a legitimate business. We started thinking that we had never met these birth mothers that we were matched with, only through phone conversations. How do we know? It's not just somebody working there? Like how do we know these things? We don't just put our faith in what we're being told. I always tell people if I had known five years ago, what I know now, we would have gone a different route. After that, I don't know if they were like, these people, they're crazy, and they just show up. Or are they just they're serious, you know.
We got the phone call in mid-June, and we got matched. We went down to Pittsburgh on August 23rd, the baby's due date and our daughter was born on September 1. We were gone a couple of weeks, and we have her home with us now. I know everybody on these Facebook pages and forums is like, it's worth the wait. Well, all these years have gone by, and I would read them and these happy stories, and I would just, whatever, you know, really, you have your baby. But it is worth the wait, and I feel it now. Because I look at her, I’m like, this is the baby God wanted for our family. We needed her as much as she needed us, and it was a bad situation that she was born into. She was born addicted to drugs, so we were in the hospital for a few weeks before bringing her home. Our boys are totally in love with her. I mean, she is like the church, baby. Everybody prayed for her, and everybody just loved her. I'm not going to talk dollar amount or anything, but it just seemed like, you know, week after week, we're getting contacted by the agency, oh, they need this. They need that. And I'm all about birth mother expenses, I get it, you just did me a huge blessing. I've had children, and I've recovered from having a child, it takes time before you're up on your feet. But they wanted us to pay for 2-3 months postpartum. And I was like, I don't think that's right, and I didn't sign on for that. I didn't sign that kind of contract. When we were in the hospital with the baby, they came to visit to say goodbye, and the birth father said it's been so nice laying around the hotel, eating and watching TV all these months. I'm like, "Oh, that's so nice because my husband works about 100 hours a week". That's super awesome that you just said that to me, you know? And then they're asking for more and more, and I'm like, I don't think so. That’s just not going to happen.
So yeah, it's been a long road. Anybody asking me about adoption, I deter them from the people we used because I feel like they exploit families. I did ask our liaison one day, because I would go to the website, and I would look at the profiles of these parents waiting, and some faces stuck out, and I'm like, wow, they've been waiting longer than us. One day I was curious about how many profiles this webpage has, and I counted them. There are about 175-200 people. That's some good profit, this company is turning. I asked my liaison one day, how many birth mothers are you actively working with right now? And she said about 200-210. And I said, well, how come everybody's not matched? I did. And because I see you have this many profiles. She was surprised that I counted like I'm some kind of idiot that's not going to check things. I said, I just don't understand how come not everybody is matched. I guess I get it that other people have different criteria and what they want and their adoption and things like that, and I get it, and that it just made no sense to me the numbers. That was very sketchy to me after I started really looking into it. I would log in, and we've been matched since mid-June. I don't understand how our profile that's not active anymore has 20-25 views., Who's looking at it, if it's not there? You know, they fudge the numbers. There’s a thing that makes the numbers go up every couple of days.
Amanda (My Adoption Coach): Maybe there’s a bot situation on that particular agency's website because you shared the login information with me, so I can see it with my own eyes. And yes, I tried to go to your profile link, and when I got there, it's a DISC profile that no longer exists. But then I went back to your dashboard, and the views had increased by one, but yet the profile was no longer there, so that is really concerning.
Amanda S.: Yeah, and I look back, and I'm like, okay, 250 views, and in March, somebody was viewing, right? Or a lot of people were doing 250 times worth. So, I think they just fluff it and tell you things to make you feel good about yourself. Or, then they want to update your profile with new photos, a new letter, and things like that, which costs more money. And I'm like we were all in, so we might as well update our profile. After everything's said and done, we're home with the baby, and it's just crickets.
Amanda (My Adoption Coach): Thank you for sharing your journey. I know it's hard when you're in it, and you've never done it before. Hearing stories from others is helpful and impactful. A couple of key things that I think within your story that I'd want the audience to really focus on and think about is, like you said, at the very beginning, had I known, I would have chosen differently, I would have either chosen a different agency, or I would have chosen a different path. And it is hard to know really what the correct answer is and the right solution. My biggest piece of advice is always to do your due diligence. Take the time, and take a breath because sometimes, even when you've done your due diligence, you can still end up in a situation like this. So, go in eyes wide open, and as hard as it may feel, it ultimately is a business for these agencies. They do have people who they have to pay their salaries, and they have to pay the overhead that comes with keeping the building going, and you know, retirement, medical, and all of these things for these people. So, they have to ultimately cover that and they have to get you an expectant parent into the system. So, they have to advertise in order to get people to be aware, or they have to network somehow. We all want to be trusting and loving people that just assume good intent, but we don't know. And that is the hard part about this is that we just don't know. And so it's incredibly important to find the right partner in your adoption journey. Even when you feel like you've done all the due diligence, sometimes you can still end up with not having the right partner.
Amanda S.: No, I totally agree. My husband, during the whole thing, was a rock but I could tell how angry he was with the whole situation, because he's so protective. And typically, I didn't realize what a crier I was till we went down this road. We could hear a song or see a movie, and I would just burst out crying. Oh my gosh, don't even get me started. You know, it was a lot. These agencies and businesses don't prepare you for these situations. How was I supposed to know what disruption was? I had no clue. And you know, they don't prepare you or tell you that it could happen. And I mean, I know there's nothing you can do, and it is the birth parent’s choice, and it is their right to choose. I totally get that, and I respect that. It's just more emotional than I ever thought it would be.
Amanda (My Adoption Coach): Yeah, it is much more difficult. One of the things that we like to do is to share practical tips with other hopeful adoptive families while they're waiting. I know you had to travel back home with the baby after you were released from the hospital. Can you talk to us about what that process was like and any tips you have for someone that might be preparing for that journey?
Amanda S.: So, we had the baby packed for, I think, with newborn preemie and other stuff, you know, just things that I know we would need for her. We did not buy a car seat stroller until she was born. Because we had done that once before, with a disruption. We got to Pittsburgh and were there for about eight days before she was born. We took the time just to see the city and spend time together, and then the hospital was great. They gave us our own nesting room, and it was great. Peyton was in the hospital for two weeks. I told my husband there was really no reason for us to both stay. The boys are getting kind of sad, why don't you fly home? I've flown with all the kids when they were babies. So, it's not really anything new. So, being in Pennsylvania was nice, until we were released with ICPC, which took about six days after we were released from the hospital. So, we were released on September 13th and home the following Friday. Traveling with a three-week-old baby in the airport is just patience, total patience, preparation, and plenty of diapers and bottles and just getting the shortest flights you possibly can get because you just want to get home.
Amanda (My Adoption Coach): Yeah, I remember. Mine weren't that tiny when we were traveling, but maybe a trip with Katherine when she was slightly older. And I remember, one of the tips that someone had given me was to feed them on the way up and then feed them on the way down.
Amanda S.: That's going to clear their ears or even a pacifier can help with that. Payton, because of the drug withdrawals, just loved to be swaddled. My arms and shoulders were burning and killing me, and they kind of locked up after I got home. But, you know, it's totally worth holding her that long. She just wanted to be held and have her pacifier, and she's a good eater. She just does not like the car seat. But she did great on the flight, and the flight attendants were amazing when I had to go to the bathroom since I was by myself. They were super awesome. You know, I'd get up and I'm like, I've really got to go to the restroom. Could you hold her? So, I would minimize my water intake just for that reason. But, I'd wait till we got to our next stop, because I think we had to take three flights to get back home. Traveling to and from Alaska is a lot. My husband picked us up, and it was a late night, and I let the kids stay home the next day from school, so they could meet their sister and be with her. I was exhausted, but I was so glad to be home with her.
Amanda (My Adoption Coach): Well, that's awesome. Thank you again for sharing your story. I'd like just to ask you, if there's any kind of final, you know, thoughts, parting tips, whatever you might have, if you're speaking directly to someone who's in that waiting period, what would you want them to hear? And to feel?
Amanda S.: During the entire time, I would see people ask the same question on these Facebook pages, like so what do we do during our waiting period? Like, do we not take vacations, do we not travel? Do we just stay home? My husband had the same mentality, like, let's not go anywhere until we have a baby. Or we're matched, and we have exact dates, but I was like, you know, we can't put our life on hold. We've got to live, and you know, we like to travel and get out of here, especially during the winter, and I like to go back home to Florida. You know, we can't make the kids stay home all these years and not take them on vacation or go camping or risk missing a phone call. We cannot stop living and if I tell anybody, stay as busy as possible. Yeah, don't sit around and wait for the phone to ring. Just stay busy. Do things. Take a baby moon, you know, take that amazing trip you want to take. We took a cruise, my husband and I, and we had never gone anywhere alone. And we call it our baby moon, and that was like five years ago. We took the kids to Disney World the next year, and you can't put your life on hold, you really cannot.
Amanda (My Adoption Coach): That is sound advice. Personally, for me, I found that if I had kind of things I could look forward to, that helped me, and that could be something as silly as like, we're gonna go to the movie this weekend, or we're going to Netflix and chill all day, you know, those types of things. Having something to look forward to just helped me distract from the fact that the phone had not rung in the last two hours. It's like, alright, I didn't get a phone call. So, that was super helpful. Again, thank you so much for being willing to share your story and your heart with us. And I know this is going to be incredibly valuable for someone else out there that's in the journey waiting or this just starting the journey, and it's going to make them, you know, slow down and pause and make sure that they're really getting the help and the support that they need throughout the journey. I know that our work together was very informal and kind of on the fly, and you know, all those types of things very early on, but it was really a pleasure, to be able to see this end of your journey together.
Amanda S.: You know, I do have one more thing. The first couple of years, I really beat myself up thinking that it was me or it was us, and it's totally not. It may sound cliche, but God does have that right baby or that right child, for you or that family, and it is not in our timing. No matter how hard we push, how hard we try, and how many agencies we sign up with. It is totally in his hands.
Amanda (My Adoption Coach): I completely agree. It's hard to walk that, it really is. I am with you, I would always get really frustrated when people would say that to me in probably my own personal thing. But it was like, Well, why did all of this happen? Like I didn't understand. And that's how I felt I was like, well, we're good people. We don't do bad things. Why? Why is this bad stuff happening to my family and me? Like, why are we in this sadness? I felt like we were being punished for something, and we totally weren't. And I know that but just going through it. I didn't want to hear it. Yeah. It's so hard. It's so hard. Well, and I think that's why it's important to find community, right, you know, jump into safe spaces where you can vent and cheer and ask questions and, and be in those spaces that are away from other expectant families so that you don't feel the eyes of judgment. You know, when you need that moment of man, This really sucks. But yeah, sometimes it really does suck, and it really does.
Well, there you have it, my friend, Amanda's story of adopting in Alaska. Now, I know that no two adoption journeys are the same, but I do hope that you found value in today's conversation and took away some learnings that you can apply to your own adoption journey. Remember, we are all stronger when we walk together as a community. I cannot wait to see these beautiful family photos waiting at the other end of your adoption journey. I'll see you soon, friend.
Hi, I Am Amanda
I am an adoption profile expert on a mission to teach you how to adopt and help you create and share your family's story more affordably!
